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Steps I am taking.

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PhoenixJB
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by PhoenixJB »

Thank you Acro & Cookie...

I'm trying to be strong but... he messaged me 6:15am yesterday morning "nice to see you unfollowed me. happy 4th! hope the best for ya!"

I waited several hours but I responded... just saying "I told you my priority of what I am working on and that means I need to disconnect from you so I can focus fully. maybe we can reconnect someday. be well."

sent at 2:30pm yesterday afternoon and he still has not read it! games. all games and lies. it's maddening.

everything he does shows me why I need to stay away and never respond again. I made a list of all the horrible things he has done and the childish ways he has acted. Reading that list helps. I won't think of any of the good stuff right now. I mean it enters my mind a lot, obviously.. but I try to shut that down immediately and think of a bad thing, mean thing, or disrespectful or childish thing he has done. I also am watching a lot of videos on narcissism. He is a bit different but definitely has narcissistic traits and is, at the very least, a toxic person. Toxic for me. That's for sure.
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Cookie »

PhoenixJB wrote: Mon Jul 06, 2020 12:49 pm He is a bit different but definitely has narcissistic traits and is, at the very least, a toxic person. Toxic for me. That's for sure.
That's all you need to know. We spend a lot of time analyzing and labeling (I sure do!) and that's helpful in evaluating the dynamic. But ultimately, all that matters is how they make us feel. And that is like total crap most of the time.

Please stay strong and don't engage with him or take his bait. He ONLY wants to see if you will respond; he doesn't care about you or your feelings. Taking this as a lesson for myself as well.
Person
PhoenixJB
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by PhoenixJB »

He still hadn't read the messages so I deleted them. I guess he *could have* put me on restricted to read them, in which case I wouldn't see the 'seen' indicating he read them. BUT. At least I'm not constantly checking to see if he read them, and that gives me more peace, so...

I'm still all the emotions of course, but keep remembering how he treated me, from the beginning... all the bad... fuck him. Games. I will not be your puppet.

Keep watching videos on narcissists and that is helping me stay strong. My goal is stay NC until/unless he contacts me. We'll see. But a day at a time... minute at a time if that is what it takes...

I will be talking to my therapist on Wed. morning regarding what he did to me. It is not something I've mentioned on here and do not wish to, but suffice it to say any normal person would have walked the hell away instead of giving another chance. I am not sure if I should chew him out for it or just remain NC as best I can.

One other thing... it is such a relief to be able to post what the hell I want on my Instagram account, without wondering what he might think, or how he might interpret it, or when he might see it... omg... he was always trying to change me!!! I love heavy metal, I do wilderness survival, I only wear black or dark nail polish and it's usually chipped... why find someone like that and tell them they need to be softer and more feminine and wear PINK???

Okay. I have some anger... lol!!
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Teana
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2020 2:07 pm
Gender:
Austria

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Teana »

Stay strong , you are doing great by deciding to have NC , to not contact him first. That is what I am also doing now. There is no reason for us to be contacting them. We already showed them our affection and they re unable to meet our needs.

And he is trying to ruin your self esteem by telling you what would look better on you and trying you to change. And if you change it will boosts up his ego.

You re on right track
:ymhug:
F 28
LO M 40
PhoenixJB
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by PhoenixJB »

Thank you all for the support.

Yesterday I went on a hiking date with a new guy I met. He is perfectly cute I guess, but the entire time I was thinking of LO and how I felt when I was with him. A deep peaceful feeling. Like we didn't even have to talk and it just felt right to be near each other.

So.... the minute the date was over, I got back in my car, before I even left the parking lot I messaged LO. :(( :((
"Please read this. I needed time to be disconnected from you. Are you mad?"

uhhhhhh how lame!!!! I'm so lame. He hasn't read it of course. Don't know if he ever will. So I am crushed this morning, I know all the bad things he did and games he played but I still hope he will message me and reconnect with me!! It's so messed up. I'm trying hard to stay strong.

I talk to my therapist in just less than an hour. Hopefully she can help me too.

This shiz is messed up, y'all. Don't do drugs. LO is the worst, most addictive drug. I hope I forget these feelings soon.
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Cookie »

PhoenixJB wrote: Wed Jul 08, 2020 1:30 pm This shiz is messed up, y'all. Don't do drugs. LO is the worst, most addictive drug. I hope I forget these feelings soon.
You won't forget the feelings soon, as you know. There is no quick fix here, unfortunately. But man -- NO CONTACT is about as close to one as you can get!

I've gotta say, Phoenix, your LO is one of the shittiest I've read about on here. He is downright cruel and abusive toward you...not a covert narc that keeps us guessing if we misinterpreted what they said or did.

I hope your therapist has been able to help you through this rough patch.

Another way to look at it: quit bothering this married man. You are just a side piece, and he is treating you accordingly. It occurred to me with my last LO, who used me as well, that I'd be better off being a hooker because at least I'd bet getting paid.

Sorry for the harsh dose here, but it's a better drug than the one you keep doing.
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Teana
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2020 2:07 pm
Gender:
Austria

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Teana »

PhoenixJB wrote: Wed Jul 08, 2020 1:30 pm Yesterday I went on a hiking date with a new guy I met. He is perfectly cute I guess, but the entire time I was thinking of LO and how I felt when I was with him. A deep peaceful feeling. Like we didn't even have to talk and it just felt right to be near
I know how it feels. Once I went on a date, ended up comparing everything to what LO would do on date, had him in my head non stop, because having dinner in a restaurant was reminding me so much what we re doing with LO. After it, I ended up crying in bed for an hour, I felt so hopeless. Really painful experience even through the date guy was completely nice.

The feelings we have with LOs, nobody else can compare to that. But it is not even real love and connection. Probably our LOs who are of course not limerent for us, feel with us like we feel on a date with person we re not limerent for. Thats why they are not that crazy about us.
F 28
LO M 40
PhoenixJB
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by PhoenixJB »

Cookie wrote: Wed Jul 08, 2020 4:13 pm Sorry for the harsh dose here, but it's a better drug than the one you keep doing.
It's harsh but I thank you for it... you are right. I should have said NO as soon as I learned he was married. Which wasn't immediately when we started talking online, but was soon enough. It doesn't even matter if they are estranged and living apart, he is still 'committed' and that should have triggered me to say NO. To tell him "Let's keep this friends... no matter how good our connection is."

Yes my therapist is helping. I am feeling stronger.. of course it comes and goes, right...

Every time I want to justify or excuse his actions, I try to remember the horrible things he has done to me and how he has made me feel. It's not easy, but... just 2.5 months with him was madness!! I was NOT my best self and that isn't completely his fault... although that is part of a narc's manipulation... still if I had been clear and in integrity with myself and my actions, I would have stopped this much sooner. Sigh. Well. That's what I gotta do now... move on and move forward.

Thank you everyone for the support. And if there is anyone else going through something similar or at a similar place in their limerence, I'd love to hear your experience, or vent here, or whatever... whatever it takes... solidarity y'all... @};-
Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by Acrobatica »

I like your timing on this one! 11:11.
PhoenixJB
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Steps I am taking.

Post by PhoenixJB »

oh nice!! @};-
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