Can you get closure?

[MetsFan]

Well I ended it abruptly, told her we were done and went NC. So it’s not like she’s chosen to see them instead of me as such. But of course I do wonder what happened, why she didn’t fight for the friendship.

[L-F]

- Her beauty, but specifically that she’s just my type. If I designed a women on a computer she’d look pretty much like LO. Again rare for me to get to know someone like that.

Until the next one comes along. And it will. Unless you tackle yourself (because that's who and what its about).

Always always always the LS thinks the current LO is 'the one'... but that's simply not true. Otherwise there would be no other (from an observational perspective you only have to read stories on here about how people think they're conquered limerence only to find themselves back in the rabbit hole).

Fight this by turning inwards. Otherwise you'll forever validate yourself based on what others look like.

[L-F]

But of course I do wonder what happened, why she didn’t fight for the friendship.

Take time to look into projections you might find your answer there.

[AnnieKaye9924]

Well I ended it abruptly, told her we were done and went NC. So it’s not like she’s chosen to see them instead of me as such. But of course I do wonder what happened, why she didn’t fight for the friendship.

Me personally, maybe it’s an ego thing, but I will not fight anyone who tries to end a relationship with me. Especially not an older, wiser, mentor/authority figure.

I kind of did the same thing, wanted my LO to fight me on ending it. Was offended, mad even, that he didn’t. I have since changed my thoughts about this. I have no right to get mad at someone for respecting my boundary/wishes.

[L-F]

I kind of did the same thing, wanted my LO to fight me on ending it. Was offended, mad even, that he didn’t. I have since changed my thoughts about this. I have no right to get mad at someone for respecting my boundary/wishes.

Its hard when they don't do as we want. More so when rejection feels like it could be a good thing (in a really weird kind of way). Its not something we want per se, quite the opposite, though its possibly something that will help end our limerence - or so we believe, well for me anyway.

Sadly, it doesn't always end our limerence. If it were only that simple.

Annie I quoted you because you have raised a good point. Often we think we have rights when it comes to LO who is essentially the victim of our projections regardless of their actions. Regardless of sucking us in. At the end of the day, there is underlying stuff that has yet to surface, hence the projections. In essence, it is not their fault! Nothing is their fault unless you want to remain in the drama triangle. They are merely the object we have projected our dreams, hopes, wishes, fears unresolved trauma, etc, onto.

Often you will hear that LOs have narcissistic traits, they aren't narcs per se according to the DSM-5 (or perhaps they are given it is the least identified PD). The point is, unless they are professionally diagnosed, it is a term used flippantly. Though many many people seek attention, it does not mean they have NPD, so best to use the term uNPD (undiagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder - which means that its based on our assumptions and observations about a person). However, assumptions are dangerous in itself. But that's another story.


Okay, went off tangent. The fact you wrote you 'I have no right' is a really really good thing! We often overlook our part in this. It is when we start to look at our part in the dance that we can truly heal.

Because the truth is, and it really is this simplistic when you break it down, we cannot change another person to be, do, or behave they way we want them to. We have no right.

[LadyChat]

..

[MetsFan]

But of course I do wonder what happened, why she didn’t fight for the friendship.

Take time to look into projections you might find your answer there.

That’s what I’ve been doing these last 4 months of NC. Whilst I get the “it’s about you” mantra, it’s not 100% about me. It’s not like she works in a store I walk past and I’ve got obsessed. That would be about me 100%. In my case up until December I’d spent more time with this girl than any other person over the prior two years. We were in constant contact 7 days a week, the majority instigated by her. I think it’s perfectly understandable to try to figure out her motivations as well, and then why her behavior triggered me.

[Helpmeplease]

Metsfan
I know what you mean- why did she do all that /allow you to get close / etc
I don't think you will ever know unless you ask.i might ask my LO some qns if I think I can be friends with her in the future, or just let go of it (easit said than done).

Are you finding it hard to fill all those times and gaps that you filled with LO?

[MetsFan]

Even if you ask you might not get the truth HMP. It depends how honest and vulnerable she wishes to be, what the consequences of her honesty would be etc. I’m not looking for proof beyond doubt, we’ll never get there, but if I can try to understand things from her point of view, at least to some degree, I think it would help me. Talking to other people about it, getting a range of views, particularly other women’s seems to help in that regard.

[Bridget]

Even if you ask you might not get the truth HMP. It depends how honest and vulnerable she wishes to be, what the consequences of her honesty would be etc. I’m not looking for proof beyond doubt, we’ll never get there, but if I can try to understand things from her point of view, at least to some degree, I think it would help me. Talking to other people about it, getting a range of views, particularly other women’s seems to help in that regard.

I respectfully disagree with you, MF. I agree that it's reasonable to want to understand our LO's motivations and that we get some degree of comfort from doing that. But in my experience trying to figure out my LOs feelings only served to keep the LE alive. The truth is, knowing our LO's thoughts and desires will never explain our obsession and dependence on them or how we read so much into their behaviors and deluded ourselves. That's, I think, why they say it's not about our LO. Yes, their behaviors and features can trigger an LE, but they are only triggering something that already exists within us. And investing energy in trying to understand their behavior just distracts us from the heavy lifting we have to do internally to heal the hurt part within ourselves.

Another reason I spent so much time trying to understand my LOs behavior was because I felt so shameful about the possibility that I'd completely imagined that he enjoyed my company and had feelings for me. That thought made me feel pitiful, desperate, and rejected! To counter it (and comfort myself), I tried to analyze all our interactions for proof that it wasn't all a fantasy and that I had some justification for my feelings. Unfortunately, dwelling on those scenes and the "proof" that he liked me in some way was a slippery slope toward full-blown LE again. Before I knew it, I was back to longing for LO and fantasizing about what might have been or what might one day be. UGH, It was an endless cycle!!!

Recently, nearly 10 years after the LE began (!!!), I finally came to an agreement with myself to assume that LO enjoyed my company and was probably attracted to me, but did not want to be close friends with me for reasons I'll never truly understand. Going NC gave me the power to put that riddle to bed because if I never interact with LO again, it really doesn't matter what his feelings were. There's no drawback to misinterpreting things, because my interpretation won't effect him at all as long as there is NC.

You may be the exception, MF, but I think you're courting danger by continuing to seek to understand your LO. I suggest you choose the least harmful, hurtful, LE-supporting explanation for her behavior, and then turn away from her. NC and avoiding analysis of LOs actions is the only path to FREEDOM! It took me 10 YEARs to realize that, but I am so much happier now. Better late than never.