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Can you get closure?

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Spinnaker
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Spinnaker »

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Thu Nov 26, 2020 2:21 am, edited 2 times in total.
“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
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MetsFan
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan »

Bridget wrote: Sat Apr 20, 2019 2:32 am
And investing energy in trying to understand their behavior just distracts us from the heavy lifting we have to do internally to heal the hurt part within ourselves.
I’m not saying one replaces the other by any means. The heavy lifting has to happen, I agree and I’m doing it. My point was that I don’t see why the two have to be mutually exclusive. In life generally, trying to see something from someone else’s view is a healthy thing to do. If i can figure out an explanation for the part she played in this other than “she was in love with me” I think that will help me move on. I’ll then be able to accept that either I got this wrong all along or something changed. It doesn’t even have to be the real reason so long as I’m happy with it and can accept it.

To be clear this is like 5% of the work I’m doing to get over this LE. The advice here can be very absolutist at times and I think that can be very hard to achieve. Sometimes it is better to be more realistic about what the mind is going to do.
L-F
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by L-F »

Analyzing her behaviour is not going to tell you anything about your behavior. You are better off analyzing your reactions to her behaviour.
Last edited by L-F on Sun Apr 21, 2019 11:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by L-F »

MetsFan wrote: Sat Apr 20, 2019 9:18 am It doesn’t even have to be the real reason so long as I’m happy with it and can accept it.
??? So long as you can accept it? Maaaate... there is no answer in this world a limerent will accept. Not even rejection ends limerence. It helps, or harms, but doesn't end it.

The only thing that ends limerence is taking full responsibility for our part in the dance. Check out David's threads.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Helpmeplease
Posts: 670
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease »

MetsFan I think we had sone similar experiences wtih our LOs -
Very close friends, who care a lot about each other, and a dysfunctional element to the friendship which includes not understanding her motivations for beer behaviours. Perhaps she was just mirroring you, perhaps she was confused, perhaps she dreamed of a relationship with you and came to her senses (she is 20 and you are nearly 40 and married with a family right?)

I may tell my LO that during 2018 I had some dependencies on her or something similar but I won't delve into the dysfunctional bit with LO - it was either dysfunctional one way or two way. In the latter scenario do you really want to explore this with her? You are at the right place now - not focusing on her and fosusing on you and your family - that is great!
L-F
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by L-F »

**Deleted*** I'm wasting my breath.


Just going to leave this here...


Give yourself the same advice you'd give a man who was limerent for your daughter. A crush is innocent, an obsession isn't innocent nor healthy (for you, for her, for your family). What would you say to a man limerent for your daughter who had an unhealthy mind, an unhealthy obsession?

and
One of David's famous lines... "take the Red Pill FFS!"

Red: a life of harsh knowledge, desperate freedom and the brutal truths of reality.
Blue: a life of the blissful ignorance of illusion.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Bridget
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Bridget »

MetsFan wrote: Sat Apr 20, 2019 9:18 am
Bridget wrote: Sat Apr 20, 2019 2:32 am
And investing energy in trying to understand their behavior just distracts us from the heavy lifting we have to do internally to heal the hurt part within ourselves.
I’m not saying one replaces the other by any means. The heavy lifting has to happen, I agree and I’m doing it. My point was that I don’t see why the two have to be mutually exclusive. In life generally, trying to see something from someone else’s view is a healthy thing to do. If i can figure out an explanation for the part she played in this other than “she was in love with me” I think that will help me move on. I’ll then be able to accept that either I got this wrong all along or something changed. It doesn’t even have to be the real reason so long as I’m happy with it and can accept it.

To be clear this is like 5% of the work I’m doing to get over this LE. The advice here can be very absolutist at times and I think that can be very hard to achieve. Sometimes it is better to be more realistic about what the mind is going to do.
I hear you and respect your position, MF. If that 5% doesn't delay you from moving on and letting go, then it's something you can do that I couldn't. I am pretty good and understanding things from others' points of view, so trying to figure out my LO wasn't really a useful exercise for me nor was it helpful. I wish someone had warned me against it 8 years ago, and that's why I shared my experience. Best of luck to you. %%-
Nowords
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Nowords »

Bridget wrote: Sat Apr 20, 2019 2:32 am
MetsFan wrote: Fri Apr 19, 2019 8:37 pm Even if you ask you might not get the truth HMP. It depends how honest and vulnerable she wishes to be, what the consequences of her honesty would be etc. I’m not looking for proof beyond doubt, we’ll never get there, but if I can try to understand things from her point of view, at least to some degree, I think it would help me. Talking to other people about it, getting a range of views, particularly other women’s seems to help in that regard.
I respectfully disagree with you, MF. I agree that it's reasonable to want to understand our LO's motivations and that we get some degree of comfort from doing that. But in my experience trying to figure out my LOs feelings only served to keep the LE alive. The truth is, knowing our LO's thoughts and desires will never explain our obsession and dependence on them or how we read so much into their behaviors and deluded ourselves. That's, I think, why they say it's not about our LO. Yes, their behaviors and features can trigger an LE, but they are only triggering something that already exists within us. And investing energy in trying to understand their behavior just distracts us from the heavy lifting we have to do internally to heal the hurt part within ourselves.

Another reason I spent so much time trying to understand my LOs behavior was because I felt so shameful about the possibility that I'd completely imagined that he enjoyed my company and had feelings for me. That thought made me feel pitiful, desperate, and rejected! To counter it (and comfort myself), I tried to analyze all our interactions for proof that it wasn't all a fantasy and that I had some justification for my feelings. Unfortunately, dwelling on those scenes and the "proof" that he liked me in some way was a slippery slope toward full-blown LE again. Before I knew it, I was back to longing for LO and fantasizing about what might have been or what might one day be. UGH, It was an endless cycle!!!

Recently, nearly 10 years after the LE began (!!!), I finally came to an agreement with myself to assume that LO enjoyed my company and was probably attracted to me, but did not want to be close friends with me for reasons I'll never truly understand. Going NC gave me the power to put that riddle to bed because if I never interact with LO again, it really doesn't matter what his feelings were. There's no drawback to misinterpreting things, because my interpretation won't effect him at all as long as there is NC.

You may be the exception, MF, but I think you're courting danger by continuing to seek to understand your LO. I suggest you choose the least harmful, hurtful, LE-supporting explanation for her behavior, and then turn away from her. NC and avoiding analysis of LOs actions is the only path to FREEDOM! It took me 10 YEARs to realize that, but I am so much happier now. Better late than never.
You totally nailed it for me. Probably one of the best insights I’ve come across in a long while..
-----
“A thing can be true and not the truth,”
― Kristin Hannah, The Great Alone
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