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Meeting new guys but afraid that my history of limerence might sabotage everything

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dreams
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Joined: Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:57 am
United States of America

Meeting new guys but afraid that my history of limerence might sabotage everything

Post by dreams » Tue Dec 11, 2018 7:43 am

I've been struggling with limerence for almost the past decade. It's brought me quite a bit of misery. This past year, I did a lot of soul searching to figure out what was wrong with me and finally learned about limerence. I feel like its been helpful and I've been able to move on quite a bit from current LO without transferring it to another. But it's also been three years, which I hear is the max that limerence usually lasts.

I'm not sure if the limerence has passed yet. I don't fantasize being with LO anymore and I purposely avoid his company. I see that he is a selfish jerk that puts on a nice guy mask in front of people. But...When we are in the same room, I kinda feel like crap and I am alway keeping tabs on him, like seeing who he is talking to and all of that. Also just found out that he had a secret girlfriend for the past year which he hid from me and which explains why he was so cold to me (which really hurt me at that time).

Anyways, I'm trying to meet new guys and I honestly never want to experience limerence again. I just want to shrug it off. How do you know that limerence is gone for good?

I can't tell if it has passed for me. I despise LO now for treating me badly and so coldly. His inconsistent hot and cold behavior affected my self worth at a point when I felt very unhappy in life. I no longer have hope of us being together but I keep thinking how much I hate him at certain times. I know that indifference is the true opp. of love but I'm not there yet with LO.

I want to date new guys and I'm actually looking forward to being in a REAL relationship and not one that I've made up in my head. I want a healthy, reciprocal relationship. I'm sick of having to rely on fantasies made up in my head with where LO and I are in a relationship.

Any tips on how to get rid of limerence for good? I try to practice no contact but recent LO is in my social circle.

I'm afraid that I won't be able to fall in love outside of limerence. My limerence is fueled by attraction to emotionally unavailable guys with narcissistic tendencies. I'm afraid that I will only be attracted to guys that will hurt me in the end (like it always has been).

mamasita
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Re: Meeting new guys but afraid that my history of limerence might sabotage everything

Post by mamasita » Tue Dec 11, 2018 4:08 pm

I think that if you are prone to limerence, you may always be prone to limerence until you truly learn to look within and do the heavy lifting. Without blame, without fear, just being you with no apologies. Once you have learned to validate yourself instead of looking to others to validate, you may not need a LO so much. I am fighting through it also, and my LO is also in my social circle. It's painful. I have remind myself often that this "love" for this person just IS but it cannot go to the extreme of my fantasies. I am trying to push forward with my reality and find joy within.
It may help to examine why you want to be with men like those. Often it is trying to "right" a "wrong" from childhood. For me, a disappointing relationship with an emotionally absent father. Your limerence is always about you. Good luck!

Whiskeyjack
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Re: Meeting new guys but afraid that my history of limerence might sabotage everything

Post by Whiskeyjack » Tue Dec 11, 2018 10:34 pm

The limerence is done when you're not doing and thinking this:
dreams wrote:
Tue Dec 11, 2018 7:43 am
But...When we are in the same room, I kinda feel like crap and I am alway keeping tabs on him, like seeing who he is talking to and all of that.
I no longer have hope of us being together but I keep thinking how much I hate him at certain times.
It sounds like you've done a lot of digging to get to the root of your limerence issues and you have great insight. You mentioned in a previous post that you were trying to heal from your attachment trauma (as well as other stuff). How are you going about that? How's your progress? IMO this is the key to getting out of the limerence rut (which includes your attraction to narcs )that you keep getting into, and comprises the "heavy lifting" that mamasita mentioned.

dreams
Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:57 am
United States of America

Re: Meeting new guys but afraid that my history of limerence might sabotage everything

Post by dreams » Wed Dec 12, 2018 12:05 am

mamasita wrote:
Tue Dec 11, 2018 4:08 pm
It may help to examine why you want to be with men like those. Often it is trying to "right" a "wrong" from childhood. For me, a disappointing relationship with an emotionally absent father. Your limerence is always about you. Good luck!
I think this might be it for me also. I'm attracted to guys who ignore me or give me silent treatment. I've been trying to heal by learning more about limerence, escapism, attachment trauma, love addiction, and codependency.

One thing that has really helped is identifying the triggers. I used to have a tendency to daydream a lot. And it was through these daydreams that I would get so attached to LOs. I've also researched a lot about narcissists and realized that my LOs was being fake and manufactured his personality to lure people in and like him. So recognizing that some people are just charismatic and not necessarily "good" has helped too.

I'm still trying to figure out how to heal from attachment trauma and any guidance would be much appreciated. I did a few inner child healing meditations. I cried the first few times I did them. I learned that you are supposed to "practice self-love" in order to heal from attachment trauma and I think it means working on yourself and keeping high standards for yourself.

Also I learned that it's helpful to used different words when relating to LO. Saying I'm "addicted" to LO instead of "i'm in love" and he's my "woundmate" instead of "soulmate" helps me keep a balanced perspective and realize that limerence is about me and something that I need to heal from.

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