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Two steps ahead, one step back

Discussion about the way back.
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MARK.IN.STATES
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Two steps ahead, one step back

Post by MARK.IN.STATES » Thu May 10, 2018 11:55 pm

Hi - wondering if others in recovery have had the experience of taking two steps forward, getting a real rhythm of good motion going, only to find yourself tippy and off balance, needing to take a step backward to stabilize, then moving forward again. Like learning to walk.

I find myself increasingly distant emotionally from LO - feeling more free, and liking it. Perhaps the analogy of being outside and walking along, then starting to run quickly forward. The first experience, for perhaps 10 seconds, is exhilaration, freedom, "wow look at me" boost in self esteem. Then continuing on as my lungs start to labor, breathing faster and faster doesn't seem to be working - from the inside it feels like there is less and less air. A feeling of worry, apprehension, then disappointment as I drop back to a walk.. then stop altogether. Look back to see I've travelled a short distance quickly, but would have travelled farther with less "let down" if I'd maintained a steady pace.

As I keep weaning off my own fantasies of LO, I seem to run out of "air", and a very real blackness becomes more real... finding myself going to thoughts of LO, the comforting which might have been been there, the laughing and perhaps crying, and the overall glow which I imagine is somehow still "out there". The land of happy dreams. fluffy clouds, milk and honey.

I don't like LO... she is a vicious person who knows where and how to stab me emotionally to inflict the most pain. Not sure what I'm doing on an ongoing basis, I'm maintaining NC. I believe she has paranoid and antisocial traits, which have led to her some success in the business we are in. "When in doubt, gut them out"... if something "could be" a threat... launch the nukes just to be sure. Sort of like Saddam Hussein killed off half of his actually loyal followers to make sure he got all his enemies.

But yet here I am imagining the American female version of Saddam... smiling gently as I bring this cute cuddly kitten up to my neck where it can purr and rub it's head on me. Maybe I have a death wish - or perhaps can't (or won't) let go of my fantasy... "after all, it could be true after all". In the face of more and more evidence to the contrary - clear and convincing evidence too..

Well here's to Two steps ahead and one step back, but also taking it easy on myself. even for permitting a brief relief of false fantasy, knowing it's a very slippery slope. I guess like quitting cigarettes - the withdrawal symptoms are so debilitating that early on, resorting to having half a cigarette keeps me from losing all hope, but also reminds me how addicted I am and how powerful the chains.

I'd like to propose a new acronym... feeling LOW. I'm feeling LOW lately... LO Withdrawal...

Mark

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Chuck
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Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 11:04 pm
Canada

Re: Two steps ahead, one step back

Post by Chuck » Fri May 11, 2018 12:51 am

Definitely. It's just par for the course.

Being "kind of over" LO is a good start, followed by "partially over", then "mostly over", leading to "essentially over", . . .

It's all progress and it moves slowly. I am at that last stage, but I suspect that she will inhabit a spot in the back of my mind forever. Thinking about her not being important anymore is still thinking about her.
There may not be a "completely over", but I can live with that.
"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."
Buddhist saying

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Enzi
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Re: Two steps ahead, one step back

Post by Enzi » Fri May 11, 2018 5:26 am

Yes I've been there.

JupiterTaco
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Re: Two steps ahead, one step back

Post by JupiterTaco » Sat May 12, 2018 2:32 am

Yes it's definitely a work in progress. I went months without thinking about former LO and then having dreams about him out of the blue and him being on my mind again. Crazy I tell you!
"How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me, you're the part of me that I don't want to see"-Forget It-Breaking Benjamin

Maddie
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Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
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Re: Two steps ahead, one step back

Post by Maddie » Sat May 12, 2018 5:36 am

Keep up the good work. Using the running analogy, I hope I'm not too far behind ya!
That's the thing about this forum, we all struggle, but I find hope here.
Thx for posting. I can very much relate.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

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