Monthly Progress

Discussion about the way back.
AMA210
Posts: 1555
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Monthly Progress

Post by AMA210 » Sat Sep 09, 2017 4:52 pm

Goals for September:

Continue to update DH on my progress and ask for help, if needed.

Continue to detach from LO by changing my reaction to him.

Accept what I cannot change -- his proximity to me, his feelings towards me, my attraction to him

Moving the focus from LO to myself.

Continue to become aware of MY behavior and question MY reaction to him and others.
Continue to work on myself -- my codependency and narc tendencies -- with group and individual therapy

Don't stop by the curb and/or turn in to where he is. Doing this would give him the power back and I am not giving it up. For me to maintain that power/control, passing by and LO seeing me and him knowing that I can pass and not be affected by him is the best example of that (versus just avoiding him).

Apply what I learn about myself and in my interactions with my family to set boundaries and say "I feel" and "I think" instead of "You said"
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

AMA210
Posts: 1555
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Monthly Progress

Post by AMA210 » Wed Sep 13, 2017 7:01 pm

Moving the focus from LO to myself:

Doing errands today, driving around, looks like LO finally got a haircut :ymsmug:

Seeing him several times in my viewing range, very clearly. My reaction was happy and then sad. I felt that void inside and I wanted him to fill it up completely. The longing to go to him and say what and do what? I went to the grocery store as planned, walking the aisles, talking to myself in my head, and this is what I said: "Aqua, here is a normal guy doing his job, earning a living, providing for his family. Leave him be. Don't bother him and stress him out by showing up because you have to see his eyes. You are being selfish and disrespectful to him. He will get upset and reject you again. It will be ok. You know he is there and it's enough. He can't make you whole. You think he can do that but it's not his job. It's yours to do.

I didn't go to him. I shopped and came home. Took a break and went driving to clear my head and an insight came again. When I see him, the insights and understanding come easily to me. When I said to him, I love you, as you are, I wasn't saying that to LO as a person because I don't know him that well, but instead to the male half of me, which is in LO. Basically, I am telling my male soul that I love you, as you are.

Another example would be when LO lied to me. That is a negative part of his male soul, so me calling him a liar, is me really calling myself one also, and I am, and I do.

LO brought out my Animus qualities -- assertive, took charge, became self-reliant, mindful of my emotions, courageous, analytical thinking, strength and vitality. When the positive animus is activated, it begins a process of self growth, which is increasing my awareness and acceptance of myself.

Some excerpts from my journal in the past year:

"That feeling of having the world slip away, knowing where I was, but all of the background noise and people disappeared. I have never felt that with anyone else. It's almost like being in a different dimension, a different platform of time and space, with no time passing, completely absorbed in the present moment."

I feel drawn to him like a magnet. An invisible force pulls us together.

I am happy with him. His eyes look into my heart. I feel dynamic.

When we were together, I felt calm, peaceful and the first time we hugged, very connected to him, like I have not felt that one-ness in my life. Coming together was very natural, it wasn't awkward, it just happened, wasn't planning on it. It was almost surreal and I think I stopped breathing during it.

I feel like he ripped out my heart and soul and threw it down and then said "you have to fix it"

The crying, yelling, coming from the depth of my being, from my core, his face staring back at me in my mind's eye.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

Spinnaker
Posts: 634
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
Contact:

Re: Monthly Progress

Post by Spinnaker » Wed Sep 13, 2017 7:37 pm

Woah! More great introspection; Aqua!!

This part:

"For me to maintain that power/control, passing by and LO seeing me and him knowing that I can pass and not be affected by him is the best example of that (versus just avoiding him)."

...concerns me. My mind said, "Noooooo Aqua!" yesterday and again today when reading the justifications to pass by the school to take a peek/power back. However, who the hell am I to know what is best for your healing path??? I can even agree that contact with my LO after 8 months helped me come full circle in my LE. For myself, 8 months was the soonest I should have attempted this. IMO the timing IS crucial. Yes, some of us need to take back the power it had over you. I get that. Just stay aware of the fact that it could be too soon. I'll leave it at that.

More awesome reflection:

"Apply what I learn about myself and in my interactions with my family to set boundaries and say "I feel" and "I think" instead of "You said"

YES! Additionally, telling your DH what you need from him and asking what he needs from you are key to bringing forward improved communication for your future. As a couple, if you put yourselves in the proper setting and emotional state *for instance on a dinner date make that statement and ask the question, then follow through.... you can better gauge the state of your marriage. I'm trying this now. :ympray: I am finally ready to handle the truth...whether the marriage is truly unsalvageable.

Limerence convinces you that DH is a horrible match. Maybe he is. But, we are delusional and unaware of the truth behind those thoughts. There is a lot to hate after this many years with anyone, yes? Now that you are out of the fog you can put more energy into telling DH what you need. Giving back (two ways) is needed in order to rekindle the flame.

Lastly, you mentioned not having shame even today on another thread. YES, not having shame was my biggest red flag for limerence. It went against everything I stood for and I had never considered an affair prior to limerence hitting me. So I can relate and also say that if you are like me, the guilt will come to you with time. I don't feel as guilty as I should or as badly as I would expect had I never experienced limerence, but it's there. Like mine, maybe yours is possibly in a box within your mind and soul...somewhere hidden. A defense mechanism? Not sure, but you may find that particular box if and when DH starts to listen and act on your list if "needs". Maybe the goal is forgiveness going both ways.

:ymhug:
"The biggest secret to limerence is that it has nothing to do with LO."

Limerentfriend :ymhug:
aka L-F

AMA210
Posts: 1555
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Monthly Progress

Post by AMA210 » Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:31 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Wed Sep 13, 2017 7:37 pm
Woah! More great introspection; Aqua!!

This part:

"For me to maintain that power/control, passing by and LO seeing me and him knowing that I can pass and not be affected by him is the best example of that (versus just avoiding him)."

...concerns me. My mind said, "Noooooo Aqua!" yesterday and again today when reading the justifications to pass by the school to take a peek/power back. However, who the hell am I to know what is best for your healing path??? I can even agree that contact with my LO after 8 months helped me come full circle in my LE. For myself, 8 months was the soonest I should have attempted this. IMO the timing IS crucial. Yes, some of us need to take back the power it had over you. I get that. Just stay aware of the fact that it could be too soon. I'll leave it at that.

I do not feel powerless or controlled when I see LO. There was so much back and forth over these months. I didn't see him for a month, ok, NC then. Two days later, there he was pulling weeds on the corner of the 4-way stop, and then start over. I was spinning my wheels, struggling with this. I tried everything. The more I avoided him on purpose, the more anxious I became. Finally, I said, look, it is what it is. I can't change it, so I have to accept it, and I worked towards that. I don't get high from him anymore, which helps a lot, and I have strangely found that seeing him makes the "aha" moments come more readily. I feel he is nudging me to move ahead.

More awesome reflection:

"Apply what I learn about myself and in my interactions with my family to set boundaries and say "I feel" and "I think" instead of "You said"

YES! Additionally, telling your DH what you need from him and asking what he needs from you are key to bringing forward improved communication for your future. As a couple, if you put yourselves in the proper setting and emotional state *for instance on a dinner date make that statement and ask the question, then follow through.... you can better gauge the state of your marriage. I'm trying this now. :ympray: I am finally ready to handle the truth...whether the marriage is truly unsalvageable.

Limerence convinces you that DH is a horrible match. Maybe he is. But, we are delusional and unaware of the truth behind those thoughts. There is a lot to hate after this many years with anyone, yes? Now that you are out of the fog you can put more energy into telling DH what you need. Giving back (two ways) is needed in order to rekindle the flame.

Lastly, you mentioned not having shame even today on another thread. YES, not having shame was my biggest red flag for limerence. It went against everything I stood for and I had never considered an affair prior to limerence hitting me. So I can relate and also say that if you are like me, the guilt will come to you with time. I don't feel as guilty as I should or as badly as I would expect had I never experienced limerence, but it's there. Like mine, maybe yours is possibly in a box within your mind and soul...somewhere hidden. A defense mechanism? Not sure, but you may find that particular box if and when DH starts to listen and act on your list if "needs". Maybe the goal is forgiveness going both ways.

Thanks for your thoughts here and on the shame issue. It's probably buried somewhere. I was never aware just how annoying DH can be. If I scold him or call him out, he becomes a little kid. See before now, I didn't scold him because I was too passive and dependent as all hell!

:ymhug:
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

AMA210
Posts: 1555
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Monthly Progress

Post by AMA210 » Fri Sep 29, 2017 10:54 pm

AMA210 wrote:
Sat Sep 09, 2017 4:52 pm
Goals for September:

Continue to update DH on my progress and ask for help, if needed. (This is ongoing)

Continue to detach from LO by changing my reaction to him. ( I have no reaction to him, at least not as extreme as before, no anger is present. Sometimes I feel happy, content, or relieved to know he is there)

Accept what I cannot change -- his proximity to me, his feelings towards me, my attraction to him (Accepted)

Moving the focus from LO to myself. (making progress, shift is slow)

Continue to become aware of MY behavior and question MY reaction to him and others. (Sitting with the longing, no validation, emptiness instead of trying to make it go away with another addiction)

Continue to work on myself -- my codependency and narc tendencies -- with group and individual therapy (still going)

Don't stop by the curb and/or turn in to where he is. Doing this would give him the power back and I am not giving it up. For me to maintain that power/control, passing by and LO seeing me and him knowing that I can pass and not be affected by him is the best example of that (versus just avoiding him).
(Didn't stop by the curb all month. :ymparty: Beginning of month was very very hard, but it's easier now. The thought to stop does not even occur now)

Apply what I learn about myself and in my interactions with my family to set boundaries and say "I feel" and "I think" instead of "You said". (I say these now and I don't say I'm sorry so much....instead, thanks for waiting for me)
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

AMA210
Posts: 1555
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Monthly Progress

Post by AMA210 » Fri Sep 29, 2017 11:44 pm

Goals for October:

Continue to stay away from the curb and if any thought of going to LO occurs, use self talk to realize the consequences associated with that action.

Continue to choose to use the roads by school when necessary, but not on purpose, to specifically see LO.

Continue group and individual therapy and add MC

Continue to move the focus from LO to myself (healthy body, writing) and DH

When I begin thinking about LO, limit that time to 5 minutes and redirect. No talking to myself about LO or any past interaction.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

Spinnaker
Posts: 634
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
Contact:

Re: Monthly Progress

Post by Spinnaker » Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:40 am

Awesome goals, Aqua!

Sending strength and clarity your way! :ymhug: Your marriage has been tested in a big way, Aqua. It seems you are both torn but hanging on, and that should be applauded. From my vantage point, it's remarkable that you are where you are today! It shows a level of committment and strength of will to overcome I expect few couples can withstand. So, please give yourselves credit for not allowing this to break you.

Your story is a testimony of the raw, unabridged truth that has been your limerence experience. Thank you for sharing your story. You paint a true picture for others to see... You will inspire others suffering from limerence to open their eyes or share their story, knowing members are here to help...we "get" what they are going through.

Keep fighting the fight, girl! Rather than wonder, "Why him?" figure out why you needed him. What needs are not being met by DH and vice versa. Give it time and patience. If you can get DH through the doors of a marriage counselors office like I bet you will, THAT will be a significant step in the right direction-- focusing on the marital issues and how they relate or contributed to your limerence. Soon you will be repairing the damage and building anew.

Stay determined to get past this hump and onto better days...

You can do this. You are doing this!

Spinnaker :ymhug:
"The biggest secret to limerence is that it has nothing to do with LO."

Limerentfriend :ymhug:
aka L-F

AMA210
Posts: 1555
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Monthly Progress

Post by AMA210 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 6:36 pm

Updated Goal for Remainder of October:

In the past 6 weeks, driving by was 5 times/day, so 25 times a week.

Reduce driving by to absolutely necessary, no more than 3 times per week.
Driving by multiple times per day is discouraged.

I thought about completely cutting this out, but I think if it was total abstinence, I would be more likely to lose control of it and do an LO binge.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

AMA210
Posts: 1555
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Monthly Progress

Post by AMA210 » Fri Nov 03, 2017 5:56 pm

Goals for November:

I have decreased drive by amounts from 25 times/week to 10 times/week.
I experimented with not driving by for 3 days in a row and then found myself doing it excessively the day after that streak.
I am able to be at home, knowing that LO is visibly outside, and not feel compelled to go to him, sit at the curb, or initiate contact.

I am hoping that his lack of response towards any and all of the things I have told him will eventually push me into viewing him as really not caring about me at all. His silence will speak louder than any word or action.

At some point, I hope to not "need" to see him. I don't know exactly why I have this need. I hope to understand this.

Also, I have to stop talking about him to others and myself. It just keeps feeding the obsession.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

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