Why do we become limerent?

Discussion about the way back.
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Heart_Open
Posts: 640
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:52 pm

Why do we become limerent?

Post by Heart_Open » Fri Jul 14, 2017 12:20 pm

I am sure I read the info around the site when I first joined but it is always worth going back and having another read.
I found this: http://www.limerence.net/limerence-faq/ ... erent.html where it outlines and explores why we become limerent, looking at two questions: why we become attracted to certain people, and why do some of us get stuck in that (all too familiar) obsessive loop?

I highly recommend you read if you haven't already.

With regard to my own experience, I think I was attracted because in one way replaying relationships (previous LOs, crushes and rejections most likely but also a dismissive and emotionally unavailable narc mother), and just pure attraction - he has similar features and mannerisms to my DH, but is also is my 'type' looks-wise.
Why am I stuck in limerence? possibly obsessive behavioural tendencies, there was a transition in my life immediately prior and during to be fair, oh the push-pull dance of the avoidant personality and limerent subject and how that made me feel, possibly his narc tendencies - he likes attention, but I am not sure about that really. I wouldn't argue about the theory that our brains may well be structured in such a way as to predispose us to limerence. Always had crushes, but I know this LE was not a crush, definitely, something altogether different entirely.

(PS. Thanks David!)

L-F
Posts: 1291
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: Why do we become limerent?

Post by L-F » Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:11 pm

As for the first part- what drives attraction?

1. Its a biological drive to reproduce
2. We are replaying relationships from our early lives where we were wounded, hoping we get a better outcome this time around
3. We are seeking validation and love
4. A bunch of other stuff that drives attractive - facial features, voice, smell, pheromones, gait and all the unconscious stuff we are just not aware of


1. Does not apply to same-sex attraction
2. Quite possibly
3. Not me. I was doing the self-sabotage thing where I was chasing the unobtainable
4. For sure! Hence having 'a type' which is nothing like my husband. Note the word 'unconscious stuff'. And given various theories, I wouldn't rule out past lives having a hand in it.

I'm thinking it's more about 'why' we want to be validated and loved by someone we subconsciously know isn't going to provide it.
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

JohnDeux
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Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Why do we become limerent?

Post by JohnDeux » Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:36 pm

L-F wrote:
Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:11 pm
As for the first part- what drives attraction?

1. Its a biological drive to reproduce
2. We are replaying relationships from our early lives where we were wounded, hoping we get a better outcome this time around
3. We are seeking validation and love
4. A bunch of other stuff that drives attractive - facial features, voice, smell, pheromones, gait and all the unconscious stuff we are just not aware of


1. Does not apply to same-sex attraction
2. Quite possibly
3. Not me. I was doing the self-sabotage thing where I was chasing the unobtainable
4. For sure! Hence having 'a type' which is nothing like my husband. Note the word 'unconscious stuff'. And given various theories, I wouldn't rule out past lives having a hand in it.

I'm thinking it's more about 'why' we want to be validated and loved by someone we subconsciously know isn't going to provide it.
Re: Unconscious stuff. Will continue to be far more powerful in our lives than we give it credit for until the culture comes 'round to finally embracing this concept. Won't discount other unknowns like past lives as well.

1. Yes, it *may* apply to same-sex attraction since it's a *drive*: It may be a dead-end as far as reproduction is concerned, but it taps into the same drive quite likely as in opposite-sex attraction. My drive to dive into a mirage in the desert thinking I'm going to quench my thirst is fruitless...the drive makes me do it nonetheless. In a similar vein many will say "I've already had children so it can't be about reproduction...". But we have to remember that "successful" reproduction is about spreading your genes into as many different backgrounds as you can (....within limits, since the degree to which care can be provided factors in as well).

3. But can't self-sabotage be a signal of "Please take care of me!..." even when all other aspects of our life drip with self-containment,....outward self-esteem,....even inward "conscious" self-esteem? The plea to be helped after self-sabotage is indirectly a means by which we ascertain who is there to help us....and to what degree. Maybe?

4. Agree on this...one of the more vague aspects of LE is the extent to which quite 'invisible' natures of our LO's are dancing with the invisible within ourselves. The seeming power of the connection likely draws on the fact that we can't 'consciously' see these things in ourselves....and attribute some degree of magic to LO for having this ability.

As for " ...'why' we want to be validated and loved by someone we subconsciously know isn't going to provide it."....I think this too may derive it's power from the invisible. We may consciously recall being treated either poorly or not so bad during our development. Irrespective, a child has a subconscious need to feel loved and validated. An LO may, in a very unique way, be retriggering that "place"....where our defensive "solution" is meeting head on with the subconscious need for validation that we repressed. In this way, it's more about revisiting that point in our life where our defenses to the reality of being treated in an invalidating way were just being formed....and now that point is being re-opened by interaction with our LOs.

?????????

L-F
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Re: Why do we become limerent?

Post by L-F » Fri Jul 14, 2017 10:25 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:36 pm
As for " ...'why' we want to be validated and loved by someone we subconsciously know isn't going to provide it."....I think this too may derive it's power from the invisible. We may consciously recall being treated either poorly or not so bad during our development. Irrespective, a child has a subconscious need to feel loved and validated. An LO may, in a very unique way, be retriggering that "place"....where our defensive "solution" is meeting head on with the subconscious need for validation that we repressed. In this way, it's more about revisiting that point in our life where our defenses to the reality of being treated in an invalidating way were just being formed....and now that point is being re-opened by interaction with our LOs.
So this is the part where I bring out the baseball bat??? =)) O:-)

1. Totally get the *drive* thing. Would love to jump in my car and drive right on over! And yes, would totally be a dead-end as far as reproduction is concerned.

JD "But we have to remember that "successful" reproduction is about spreading your genes" I read that as spreading your legs on first glance. Whoops Freudian slip. Do men even do that? Okay mind out of the gutter.

3. "Could self-sabotage be a signal of "Please take care of me!..." Sure! Anything is possible though I wonder how much truth there is to this if one was raised with praise for being strong.

You say "it's more about revisiting that point in our life where our defenses to the reality of being treated in an invalidating way were just being formed....and now that point is being re-opened by interaction with our LOs." Yep, I get that. So you're saying that we chase LO in order to understand ourselves better, in order to heal. Totally get that too. However take the latest (as in yesterday's) interaction with a potential LO (she had all the right ingredients)... I have no idea if there is a shot of us interacting on a personal level, and don't care to walk that limerent path. However I do know I could easily go that way should she strike up a semi-friendly discussion (how sad am I!)... the point is, and if we go with your approach, all it means is that I'm putting myself in this situation of *look but don't ask to touch* because it takes me back to when I developed a sense of being invalidated?
Hmm.. maybe it does. I'll have to reflect on that (and no, I'm not being sarcastic, I genuinely will have to reflect on that).
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

L-F
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Re: Why do we become limerent?

Post by L-F » Fri Jul 14, 2017 11:44 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:36 pm
3. But can't self-sabotage be a signal of "Please take care of me!..." even when all other aspects of our life drip with self-containment,....outward self-esteem,....even inward "conscious" self-esteem? The plea to be helped after self-sabotage is indirectly a means by which we ascertain who is there to help us....and to what degree. Maybe?
:-? Hmm something doesn't quite fit. You know JD, the whole one must love thyself, save thyself and be one's own best friend is what I know, and know well. Thus... there is no need or desire to be saved. Inwardly, outwardly, consciously or otherwise. It goes back to that positive reinforcement concept. One simply *had* to be strong to survive. Plus add to that the notion that being strong pleased the older folk... perhaps in their time and times before you literally had to be [strong] to survive. I'm talking about colonisation here, which for us was only 3-4 generations ago.

So if I played with the notion of *wanting to be saved* by whom? My parents who couldn't parent? I saw this at a young age. I was one of those unusual children who was more observant and reflective than most. Again, perhaps it goes back to the unknown, though there is no fear of addressing the unknown. And still. Nothing.

One might say "oh LF, you have a hard exterior because of your past, so embrace your soft side" Done that.
Then another who knows me in real life will say "oh LF you smile all the time, you are softly spoken, you need to harden up" :D

I'm as happy as I'm going to get. Thankful that I wake up each morning and love the simplest things in life. Can't imagine needing to be saved. Perhaps it's more about needing to embrace my weak side. Done that too.

Edited to add: as for using it to determine who is going to save me. Hmm... highly doubt I would project this on to LO. Or anyone for that matter.
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

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RedPencilMentality
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Re: Why do we become limerent?

Post by RedPencilMentality » Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:42 pm

I think different people will have different reasons for being limerent.

In my view, most likely causes are:
1) mental illness/LE infected and prone people have some form of personality disorder eg. narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy etc;
2) childhood issues/early life experiences/conditioning etc;
3) traumatic experiences;
4) biological need/need to reproduce (though I think this least likely because LE isn't love- but we think it's love, so there's a catch); and
5) loss of a loved one/bereavement (in some cases, this can be more intense than a simple traumatic experience especially if you fall under category 1) above because you immediately project the death onto yourself/relate it to your own mortality etc.

LE is a disease and I am both blessed and grateful that I no longer have it. I do empathise with those who do and pray for their recovery every day.

All my best,
RPM
L.O.V.E. always wins.

JupiterTaco
Posts: 1694
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm

Re: Why do we become limerent?

Post by JupiterTaco » Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:46 am

RedPencilMentality wrote:
Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:42 pm
I think different people will have different reasons for being limerent.

In my view, most likely causes are:
1) mental illness/LE infected and prone people have some form of personality disorder eg. narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy etc;
2) childhood issues/early life experiences/conditioning etc;
3) traumatic experiences;
4) biological need/need to reproduce (though I think this least likely because LE isn't love- but we think it's love, so there's a catch); and
5) loss of a loved one/bereavement (in some cases, this can be more intense than a simple traumatic experience especially if you fall under category 1) above because you immediately project the death onto yourself/relate it to your own mortality etc.

LE is a disease and I am both blessed and grateful that I no longer have it. I do empathise with those who do and pray for their recovery every day.

All my best,
RPM
For me it was several of the above. I believe it all really came to a head when I lost someone really important to me and was grieving. Before that, other instances in which I became limerent for someone else was major unwanted moves/life-changes, being ditched by a best friend, etc.
"Be careful with your heart and what you love, make sure that it was sent from above"-John Mellencamp/India.Arie Peaceful World

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