FD to DH (again)

Discussion about the way back.
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Aquamarine21
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FD to DH (again)

Post by Aquamarine21 » Tue Feb 14, 2017 3:10 am

The past several days were filled with tears and longing for LO...intense longing.....rip your heart out longing. Today I saw LO from the car line, just enough to get my fix. My pathetic fix, just seeing him now. It was weak at best, lasting 3 hours before the longing began again. Such utter madness this is.
I actually went through all of the candy hearts this morning to find the legible ones that said I luv u, put them into a bag for LO, so that if I see him, he can take one, and then he will forever know that I love him. And then entertained the notion of sitting in the church parking lot until he passed by and risked getting kicked out again or worse. I had to fight this impulse with all I had.

What will it take for me to let go of LO and stop this? After the low and the sobbing the followed, I decided to tell DH about the highs I was still getting from LO. All of January and last week, and today. "It's like a shot of heroin and I don't know how to stop it." I'm addicted to him and I can't let go. Two hours later, my DH said to me "it sounds like you want to leave me so you can start a new life with him. Kick his wife out and see how you feel about him in 3 months. When you come back to me, I won't be here. You made your choice."

That woke me the hell up. LO is fantasy. My life with DH is real. Am I really willing to throw it all away for a mirage?
DH suggested several ways to avoid running into LO. He said you must "get that hook out" because you are still hooked and LO keeps you on the line and reels you back in whenever he wants. Hasn't he caused you enough mental and emotional pain? He changed you, me and us."

I needed to hear this because I can't talk myself into it. When will this end? When will I fight with that damn hook until it is completely out?

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David
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Re: FD to DH (again)

Post by David » Tue Feb 14, 2017 6:53 am

A21 - I think we need our SO's on our side to fight this beast. L is a monster that is eating away at us and will stop at nothing. I do hope having one more close ally will help shake you out of the fog.

:ymhug: :ymhug:
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

movingon
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Re: FD to DH (again)

Post by movingon » Tue Feb 14, 2017 7:23 am

I am really sorry to hear about the emotional pain you are going through and can, of course, totally relate to it.
I think we all agree here that LE is like a drug addiction. There is no doubt about it.
What would you suggest to someone who is addicted to drugs?

You have to get him out of your system. First, there is the physical withdrawal. Avoid seeing him as much as possible. I can speak from my experience that every time I had contact with LO I had to start from scratch again. I got weak and started longing for him again.

Then you have to gain mental strength to withstand IF you do run into him again someday. This will take a long time. I sometimes think that it's not real LE and "just a crush" if someone can say "Oh well I suffered for two months and then I was done with it." I think LE takes a lot longer to get over than a couple of months. Try a couple of years or longer. I am not saying this to discourage you, I am just saying it to let you know what you are experiencing is normal for someone with LE. It takes a long time. You will have set backs. Many of them.
How do you get over it? Distract yourself. That doesn't always work I know, but be assured that time will do the rest. I really wish there was a wonder drug that would cut all emotional ties to LO.

It sounds like you don't want to risk your marriage so you need to be understanding with your DH. It sounds like most here are in a committed relationship and love their SO. My case is a bit different because I actually want to leave my husband, but I understood a long time ago that it cannot be because of LO. That would never work and I think we all know that.

Be strong. Don't get your fix anymore. You have to go cold turkey. There will be a time when all of us will be able to let go.

:ymhug:

Heart_Open
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Re: FD to DH (again)

Post by Heart_Open » Tue Feb 14, 2017 9:17 am

Aquamarine21 wrote:
Tue Feb 14, 2017 3:10 am
The past several days were filled with tears and longing for LO...intense longing.....rip your heart out longing. Sorry you are hurting so much. It will get better, it will, it just takes time. Today I saw LO from the car line, just enough to get my fix. My pathetic fix, just seeing him now. It was weak at best, lasting 3 hours before the longing began again. Such utter madness this is.
I actually went through all of the candy hearts this morning to find the legible ones that said I luv u, put them into a bag for LO, so that if I see him, he can take one, and then he will forever know that I love him. And then entertained the notion of sitting in the church parking lot until he passed by and risked getting kicked out again or worse. Think about the effect of this on your daughter. Imagine if you were asked to move her to another school... I had to fight this impulse with all I had.

What will it take for me to let go of LO and stop this? TIME. But there will be heartache and sorrow mixed with all kinds of other things. TIME.You are strong enough, trust yourself After the low and the sobbing the followed, I decided to tell DH about the highs I was still getting from LO. All of January and last week, and today. "It's like a shot of heroin and I don't know how to stop it." I'm addicted to him and I can't let go. Two hours later, my DH said to me "it sounds like you want to leave me so you can start a new life with him. Kick his wife out and see how you feel about him in 3 months. When you come back to me, I won't be here. You made your choice."

That woke me the hell up. LO is fantasy. My life with DH is real. Am I really willing to throw it all away for a mirage? Not really - think about it. Your LO will have his horrible habits that appear several months into a relationship - he might pick his toenails in bed, snore like a juggernaut, be an absolute asshole. And think about your bad habits - you really want to share those with him. Look at where you are at now - and who is there for you? Who has your back even though he is hurting?

DH suggested several ways to avoid running into LO. He said you must "get that hook out" because you are still hooked and LO keeps you on the line and reels you back in whenever he wants. Hasn't he caused you enough mental and emotional pain? He changed you, me and us." I highlighted this in colur because you really need to take the blame off this innocent guy - All he seems to be doing is going about his job. Just because he happens to be in a certain place when you are there (and you are actively looking out for him don't forget, no matter how you dress it up), this is not your LO but YOU and now your DH needs someone to blame (DH also needs to turn this on himself too but that should come soon enough).

I needed to hear this because I can't talk myself into it. When will this end? When will I fight with that damn hook until it is completely out?
First and foremost, I understand what you are going through. It has been the toughest journey I have been on in my life so far. Everybody in these forums shares at least part of your experience - certainly the feelings, emotions, headaches and heartaches. At least you know you are safe here and can share.
What I respond above is me being honest with you, but also stuff I have told myself time and time again. The Limerent Object has no blame here. Sure, they may like the attention - but we also tell ourselves as much to legitimize our own behaviour. The Power he has over you - you have given him that... but remember, he has no idea he has that power over you BECAUSE IT IS NOT HIS TO OWN, it is your perception of it.

Is there any way that alternative arrangements could be made for the school run? You need to do your utmost to avoid this - I know it is hard, trust me, I still have episodes now where there is longing although I can just about talk myself out of them. You are in the raw of this experience, your limerence like an open wound that you keep pouring salt into. I feel we get addicted also to this pain - I think I did anyway.

A suggestion - perhaps go and see a doctor to check hormones maybe? They might be able to help somehow.

Do you have any hobbies that would not remind you of LO? Could you take up exercise of some description? Maybe something the whole family could do together? It will help bond you all (and get your hubby off the sofa). Just suggestions but worth a thought.

Keep going though, we got your back :)

Aquamarine21
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Re: FD to DH (again)

Post by Aquamarine21 » Wed Feb 15, 2017 4:07 am

Thank you for the very honest posts.
I always think I can handle it and then it's a problem.
I thought after I was gone from everything, this was the end,
I saw LO a few times around school, not a huge deal.
And then it became the time he dumps the trash to he is always there when I drive by, etc until it became blown up again. Yesterday, the same shit, toned down a lot, but the same.
Anticipation, nervous, and then seeing him, and the instant jolt, 2 minutes, and then uplifted.
Maybe I was knocked back too many times. I did say after I saw him, now I have to start over, again.

I think I need to have goals for this. For me to say I will never see him or talk to him again is too hard. Is there a post on this somewhere? I don't know if there is a specific therapy for this or if I can do it myself.

Aquamarine21
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Re: FD to DH (again)

Post by Aquamarine21 » Tue Mar 07, 2017 12:42 pm

Talking to DH again last night.....I told him about the hug because I felt guilty finally. I told him I was high from that interaction last week and over the weekend my withdrawal and moodiness was me coming down from that high. He told me that shouldn't have happened and that I should have left once we started talking. I told him that LO is the greatest temptation I have ever had in my life. DH was angry, but he does not express it. He views expression of emotion as weakness. He said I would like to tell you to pack your crap and get out, but I don't want to throw away 30+ years on a hug. He is hurt and I don't know what to say to fix it. I told him I am still addicted to LO.

He asked "what will it take for you to get a high from me?"
I said I didnt know if that was possible, given that we have been together for so long.
I told him we need to reignite the flame. We need to fall in love with each other again.
Is that even possible?

Aquamarine21
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Re: FD to DH (again)

Post by Aquamarine21 » Fri Mar 17, 2017 9:31 am

DH knows mostly everything now and the only omissions were being in the car and the letter. He has the full picture of how this started and how it ended up so badly. He doesn't quite understand it, but he is willing to help me overcome this obsession. I don't know how he can do this, despite knowing that I feel this way about someone else. He is obviously a stronger person than I am and he does not hate me.

Depending on what the principal decides to do, he told me that if she wants our daughter to leave the school, that is not a viable option and then both of us will talk to her. She has been there for 8 years, is a straight A student and had never been in any trouble,

Onwards.....

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David
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Re: FD to DH (again)

Post by David » Fri Mar 17, 2017 10:01 am

Here's my advice for the betrayed ( i hate that word -any suggestions for a better term?) when a marriage is impacted by an emotional affair (of which i class limerence as one). You could direct your SO to the full article here- http://loverelations.co.uk/the-limerence-affair/


Advice for the Betrayed

The discovery of an affair is traumatic and will be accompanied by many overwhelming emotions – denial, rejection, betrayal, anger, rage, sadness, bargaining and many others. These are the classic symptoms we go through when confronted with a significant loss. It’s often described as the cycle of grief, a process first described by the physician Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Ironically, your partner will be going through their own grief as well.

There is a natural temptation to act out these feelings onto the person that is betraying you. To vent your anger and rage onto your partner. Unfortunately, this will have the effect of pushing your partner further away from you and just reinforces that you are the one that is controlling, needy, demanding or any other number of negative traits that your partner will latch onto.

The person in limerence is confused and not acting with any real rational thought. They are being controlled by their emotions and are acting from a young impulsive part of themselves. There are several strategies that may help you and with time, perhaps help your partner to see you are a better option to rebuild a relationship with.

This list may sound counter-intuitive. It’s based on solid research and has worked for the many people we have worked with in our affair recovery practice.

Become a non-judging, non-shaming place of unconditional love for your partner.

Anything that drives a wedge between you and your partner will push them further away. As difficult as it may be, the more you can be there for your other half in a non-judging non-shaming way, the less they can use you as the excuse for things not working out. We ask clients how would they react if they discovered their partner was addicted to cocaine or alcohol? Would they be more supportive, more compassionate?

We appreciate this is difficult because of the lying and breaking of trust that goes hand in hand with limerence and all other addictions. Limerence is so much tougher to endure though because the addiction is to another person. the sense of betrayal is huge and engulfing.

Addicts already feel significant shame and by you being judgemental to their behaviour makes them feel more shame. Shame is one of the most toxic and soul crushing of feelings and rarely helps a situation. That does not mean there are not to be consequences for their behaviour and that is where strong healthy boundaries come into play.

Develop healthy boundaries

We all need to protect ourselves from emotional harm. Psychological defences are created in childhood to serve that purpose unconsciously, but they also lead us into unhealthy and unproductive behaviour. Boundaries are conscious and healthy ways to protect ourselves from emotional harm.

Some of us have difficulty setting and enforcing boundaries, a difficulty that invariably stems from inadequate and often abusive parenting whilst a child. This abuse can range from subtle emotional manipulation to severe sexual and physical abuse.

We can’t enforce enough how important it is that boundaries with consequences that are enforced for violation are set up. If the consequences are not enacted, the boundary becomes an empty threat and loses its potency. Each person has to decide how much they are willing to tolerate from their partner’s behaviour and where the boundary lies.

Much has been written on boundary setting and the length of this article precludes going into further detail. If boundaries are hard for you to keep to, it may be worth getting some help to explore why you find this so difficult.

Work on yourself.

People either move towards pleasure or away from pain. Being attracted to another is a pleasurable experience. Attraction is based around 4 key areas. Physical, Intellectual, Emotional and Spiritual (PIES). If you work on yourself on all 4 of these areas to make yourself more attractive, you have a better chance of your partner being drawn back towards you. That said, we recommend you work on yourself for yourself, whatever happens to your relationship. If your partner sees you as becoming more desirable, than that’s great. Its not a guarantee things will work out though.

Likewise, if you become critical, negative, judging, clingy, aggressive, vengeful or display other less than desirable behaviours, your partner is more likely to move away from you and more towards their LO.

We would recommend you also look at yourself in a fierce and honest way to see what behaviours you may have shown in the relationship that were less than loving. Relationships always take two people and as we say, it takes two to tango. That doesn’t mean we condone anyone going off and embarking on an affair.

Be careful who you tell

Each person will have their own view and opinions based on their own history and experiences. Whilst advice may be given with good intention, its often misguided and unhealthy. Better you seek advice from a pro-marriage professional.

As we say what defines us as people is not what we feel, but how we act on our feelings. We are only humans and its not unnatural to develop strong feelings for other people whether we are in a committed relationship or not. – it’s what we do with these feelings that matters. The stronger you make your marriage, the more you affair-proof it, the less likely these feeling will trip either of you up.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

marko
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Re: FD to DH (again)

Post by marko » Sat Mar 18, 2017 7:47 pm

Sorry, has how read any of this stuff from others here as we all have just about the same story. I too feel a lost connection and have a hard time seeing a clear path out. The advice above is great, the hard part is keeping the thoughts from creeping in all the time.

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