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NC needed before my LO gets married

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Sara
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NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by Sara » Tue Jul 16, 2019 7:11 pm

So this is my dilemma
4years of limerence with an ex co worker
He is getting married next week
I havent spoken to him for 5days he rarely speaks to me except to propose a lunch once a week as we work close-by
I need to go nc i have episode of extreme sadness as j havent heard from him
I need to refuse a lunch next time he speaks to me
I need to find the strenght
I need to be able to tell him why if he asks
I am worried it will be break the connection but thats the only way out
Weve been seeing each other for an hour lunch every week for the past year regularly texting
Even on holidays
Usually me that texts he ocasionally has done as well sendjng pics articles etc but less than me
we worked together for 7months then he left and changed job i constantly thought
About him but... i fell pregnant and announced it too him just before he left
Then we lost touch for 2.5 years and he recontacted me
I thought i was. Over it.. i wasnt ... and here you go the mess
I am married and love my husband although the past months have been difficult the limerence for someone else hasnt helped for sure
I dont want to leave my husband for my kids mostly and also the comfortable social life we have
Also... Lo is getting married to his long term girlfriend they dont have kids
We are of different religion and for me its a deal breaker
So basically there is no future possible with LO whichever way i look at it
I need to continue NC how do i find the strengths?? Any tips? I have started to suffer a lot more over the past week
Not so much jealousy but realisation that its the end hes going to build his own life he doesnt need me we cant be friends etc
Also i like him and like his company his opinions our discussions and hes extremely attractive
Sorry for the long post
I believe its mutual limerence .. butwe never disclosed so will not know for sure and im not interested in disclosing
Thank you in advance for your advice
limerence with Dom Juan since sept 2015

Pattihopeful
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Re: NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by Pattihopeful » Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:23 pm

I am in deep myself so I am not the best one to give you advice. I do want to say I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is so painful. Read in the subforums about going no contact. There is a lot of good information there. Also, post here often. Get out the feelings. We are in it together.

Maybe write him letters to get all those feelings out. I wrote on yesterday! My therapist and others have said this is grief.

I wish you the best as you navigate this. Take care.

John
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Re: NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by John » Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:38 pm

Sara, you seem to know what is needed already, break it off, NC. This affair is damaging your marriage and can potentially break up your family. Know that your LO is really not as interested in you as you have built him up to be. It will take a few weeks before feeling better but you can do it. You really have no other option.

Helpmeplease
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Re: NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by Helpmeplease » Wed Jul 17, 2019 6:33 pm

Hey Sara

Sorry to read your story and feel the pain. Very similar to others including me so you are not alone in this mess.

You did well having such a long NC so you know it's possible

What brings me strength
- my desire to be out of addiction and in control. Personally I think if you dont want out then you won't make it happen. I feel this way as it describes a lot of 2018. How did I move to wanting out? Not being able to cope with the pain. I just couldn't cope with it anymore
- an understanding of my LE. A trauma event which I hid and recently unearthed. Here strength for me has come from some understanding of what I was running from
- talking to SO about life issues, family issues.
- getting time out for me to reflect recover. Reiki, bike ride , something
- quality time with kids
- accepting that life isn't always easy
- being grateful for having an amazing family
- Holidays
- saying no to lunch just once and seeing what happens

Yes the realization you cannot be as big a part in LOs life is so painful. I think about this and lot actually and it makes.me feel very sad. But ultimately you csnt be a big part I. Your family and also a big part in LOs family. It just isn't possible. Acceptance is a way to manage this, work out what helps you accept.

Choice
There is aways some kind do choice in our actions. If you want to have a strong marriage and happy family then removing LE is key.

See other friends regularly, get new interests

Be kind to yourself and be hard on boundaries and be realisic. This will take time and be hard.

Show your SO any text. This worked well for me as I then had to think carefully on what to text, when to start text etc. This boundary is a powerful one

It will be more painful at the moment because of the contact. I have recently experienced this. It's that simple. Sorry to say(for both you and me)

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Sara
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Re: NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by Sara » Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:59 pm

Interestingn about disclosing to SO... gosh he is a very jealous man i think he might leave me just for having lunch with a man...
so my LO asked for a lunch today and i said yes.. i have no strenght to say no
We spoke for an hour i dont know why he wants to see me every week hes gettingn married next week?!!
I said no a few times before... he would ask next day and next etc until i say yes
Or he would be upset and say im so sad that we cant meet today.. things like this
I think he is limerent as well and needs a fix regularly or he gets upset and frustrated
Why else
When hes back from holidays he literally asks for lunch first day back at work
The point im trying to make is obviously to convince myself that he wants me same as i want him ... silly me
limerence with Dom Juan since sept 2015

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Sara
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Re: NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by Sara » Wed Jul 17, 2019 8:14 pm

Also because i went into long NC before and we r back in the mess i kind of think whats thepoint.. maybe we shouldnt fight destiny 😂 i realise its super silly because he chose his destiny
Haaa well cold truth is he doesnt like me he needs an ego boost or something
Dont think he wants a quick sex affair im not the type and he knows me well enough now
So then what? Why does he need me as a friend? Should ia ask him that question? Does it sound too weird
limerence with Dom Juan since sept 2015

Helpmeplease
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Re: NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by Helpmeplease » Wed Jul 17, 2019 8:51 pm

Back from hols and asks for lunch first day - my LO did that. Told me she missed me. It is so confusing and it goes around you head - what did they mean, did they miss me, do they want me etc etc

Key is to break that cycle of questionning - it only serves to make you very unhappy

Re ego boost. In your scenario where you seem to be close friends of opposite sex, probably flirt a little, it will clearly be an ego boost. Who wouldnt like that? I suspect it's a ego boost for you too - certainly was for me. I don't think this naturally leads to being a narcissist though.

You could ask him why he wants to see you so much esp close to his wedding. What do you think he would say, and how would you react? You could ask if his So is ok with you seeing each other. I kind of asked my LO that and she said it's a non issue.

Some of what you write is similar to my story, be very careful not to strengthen any emotional bonds or dependencies. It so hard to unwind.

L-F
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Re: NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 18, 2019 12:33 am

Helpmeplease wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 8:51 pm
I don't think this naturally leads to being a narcissist though.
I'm so glad you wrote that.
Not all LOs who go in for the ego-boost (now let's face it, LS do too, hence the dopamine hit), are narcissists.

Ego-boosts are not narcissistically based IMO. IMO it's a simple remedy to helping oneself feel good — the same as eating chocolate. A chocolate eater is not necessarily a narcissist. Unless they like watching themselves eat chocolate in the mirror, then perhaps it's a different subject.
"What we all want, really, is to be loved.
That craving drives our worst behavior." Jodi Picoult
@};-

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Sara
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Re: NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by Sara » Thu Jul 18, 2019 2:58 pm

Hi guys thanks for your comments its so helpful to talk about it!
Ive asked myself since yesterday this simple question: what do i want from him?
I have no clear answer!!

i want a relationship with him but cant face the fact that a/ he has a different religion and its a deal breaker and b/ im already in a good relationship ! My husband is not perfect but we still love each other .. i stopped comparing him to my LO who is extremely different and more hands on , he is the one that organises things for him and his girlfriend travels/ house related stuff/marriage etc so i sometimes dream that a husband would sort out these things for me and not always the other way round! This is the biggest fight topic with my husband and after 10yrs he hasnt changed!

So should i ask my LO what does he want to achieve while becoming close friend with me? I suspect he will respond just that, he enjoys my company and wants to be close friend. I dont personally understand the concept of male/female friendships i have no male friend since uni .. but hes more modern than me probably on that front!

One thing though i would imagine that your SO should know about all your friends male/female.
I never met his girlfriend he never met my husband. Should we arrange an outing together? My husband is not aware of my friendship with this guy.

The only time i mentioned him was last year when he recontacted me for a lunch my husband said no way why should u have lunch with aformer colleague? You are so naive he is probably interested in something else ... to which i said fine but i didn't follow his advice and still went ahead with this lunch.

Last point about ego boosting!! I truly dont think im ego boosted by our friendship.
Ive got so many friends im very social and outgoing... i dont need another friend.
He on the other hand hes rather introvert and shy.. So would see that on his side more than on mine.
But the fact is im pulled to him like a magnet i need to see him on a regular basis and hear from him. I just need it strongly. No ego boost here just love his company.
Like a very very good friend. except that socially its not accepted to have a very close male friend in my social circle . And my husband doesn't accept it.
Also not exactly a friendship given my physical attraction for him.
Is he attracted to me? I definitely feel an attraction whennwe are with other ppl he would look at me make sure he sits next/opposite me
limerence with Dom Juan since sept 2015

Hopeless Lomantic
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Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:48 pm
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Re: NC needed before my LO gets married

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Thu Jul 18, 2019 3:26 pm

It's puzzling indeed.. what do we want out of the LO ?

My secret wish no.1 is just to hope for a non limerent close friendship where everything is status quo just without that obsession and / or addiction.. if this is not possible, i wish ( i know I am crazy) for a mutual limerent rs.. at least it comforts me to know it's all balanced and both parties are 'suffering'.. we can be the closest pair of friends on earth and help each other thru the condition.. while this is an extremely selfish sch of thought, I feel that somehow the pain can be alleviated slightly if the LE is mutual..

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