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- Joined: Wed Mar 27, 2019 3:59 pm
I’m 35 as of January, I’ve been dealing (with immensely varying degrees of success) with a anxiety/panic disorder as well as more recently (last couple of years I guess) depression.
My partner is 38, we’ve been together for 10 years and still engaged, no children. She tends to struggle to express any other emotion other than anger (biased and deserved maybe.. but there is more truth to that than I’d like).
In some ways being with someone emotionally closed off (except for a short temper and a general moderate negative streak, oh there are plenty of good things as well I know I’m giving you the wrong idea), it makes me feel somewhat normal despite the daily challenge.
Obviously the flip side is that the person whom is supposed to be closest to me doesn’t really understand a thing about the darkness and fear.
We have some friends, not many, but that’s been fine the more reclusive I’ve felt over the years.
Now the depression was not severe, more of a persistent numbness, general melancholy, with bouts of crying and screaming at the world only after severe spikes in anxiety or prolonged periods of heightened anxiety.
We have had English language students for years now, many nice enough people most utterly forgettable (that’s an obvious reflection on me I understand), not once has there been any drama of any sort other than one particular student with a veracious appetite and a lot of missing food.
3 weeks ago a student, one year younger than me arrived, not much to the 1st week, but in the final 2 weeks building up the last few days she was with us; I found myself talking to her for hours on end, about all the things they tell English people not to talk about, religion, politics being the main two but also history, culture, art and especially psychology.
The more we talked the more the connection grew, whether it could or couldn’t have been helped is now something of the past (don’t worry I will dwell on that enough).
I’ve never cheated, and still haven’t.. not physically at least.
The eye contact during our conversation grew to take on more meaning, the body language; fairly obvious even for a fool like me.
The last night, we sat with my partner drinking wine and talking, my partner fell asleep (don’t worry this is not where i turn into a creep).
We were discussing psychology, and I began to open up about my childhood and dealing with a parent whom suffered from Schizophrenia which ultimately resulted in an untimely death.
She didn’t understand this particular word in English (although her English was near perfect) and so I translated on my phone.
There was a pause and she explained that one of her parents also suffered from Schizophrenia and this also resulted in an early death.
There was a moment between us, a look that seemed to last forever; we swapped horror stories, tragedies and comedies of our past, but all of a sudden my partner awoke and realised the time and announced that it’s time for bed as the students flight is early the next morning.
I felt like I’d been slapped.
Since the morning she left, I have been in a place as dark as I can remember since my mother died.
“I’m not used to connecting with people”
“I don’t get out enough”
“Don’t have enough friends”
This is what I told myself, I told myself I couldn’t know her that well in the amount of time together and I’ve latched onto the 1st person whom I’ve been able to connect with on a deep emotional level as well as intellectual.
“I created someone in my mind and fell in love with that”
The problem is; I cannot convince myself of any of that, I haven’t felt this stupid and in love and miserable all at the same time since I was a teenager..
I think the most perfect person I could ever meet has just disappeared from my life forever and the only way fate (not that I believe in that) allowed me to meet her was under the most impossible circumstances.
For the last 4 days, I’ve been about as depressed as I’ve ever been, struggling not to cry at pretty much any song, or scene in a movie/Tv, struggling not to cry for no fucking reason when I’m sat next to my partner on the couch or manage to force myself to go to the shop and buy milk, loss of appetite, absolutely zero enthusiasm to do literally anything except dwell on my misery.
That’s my hello to the group and I needed to write it somewhere, so am very sorry for those who managed to get through this twaddle, but there it is..
- Posts: 639
- Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
It's good to write all this down and to read around the site. There is a lot in your thread that seems to resonate with me - early death of a parent, friendship and support.
A lot of people gave me advice that limerence is about you rather than the other person. This can be hard to believe when you are facing this. You might have thoughts such as 'she is my soul mate' 'i wish I met her before' etc etc but you have to get off the surface and understand what is below.
Do you have people to talk to or a therapist to help you? Especially to help with bouts of depression? What do you think you are anxious about? Are you able to talk to your partner about this?
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Wed Mar 27, 2019 3:59 pm
I bought the book, the one by Dorothy Tannov, Love and Limerence..
I’ve read a bunch in this forum and looked around the web..
For the last week since she left, I’ve been deeply depressed, as above I’ve stated that I’m in a relationship.
When my OH asked about my change in behaviour, I told her I was depressed for the 1st time..
My previous “general” depresssion was successfully hid from the world for at least two years and my anxiety for 10..
Her response was; “well I’m not going to let it effect me!”...
Needless to say, I spent the night on the sofa..
Almost every waking moment, even when not thinking of my true love (not comfortable with LO), I sit without any energy to do the most basic tasks and think about trying to go back to bed and sleep the day and night away..
The 2nd biggest revelation from meeting this person I fell for was; for the 1st time in my adult life I believed 100% in true love, love at 1st sight (or near enough)..
I am not an idiot.. I know there are many, many things about her that I haven’t discovered, good and bad..
I know you can’t have the “type” of love you would have for someone you’ve been with for 10 years after knowing this person for 3 weeks.
But for me this doesn’t change the fact that I think you can learn “enough” about someone in a relatively short amount of time, enough for that “spark”..
That “spark” is used through the English speaking world and I’m sure there is a translation in every other language.
Everyone knows what it is, everyone wants it, whether you label it Limerence or love or not.
I found it, and I lost it..
My main concerns are:
1. Will I ever be with the person whom has my heart?
Repeat that one for the entire top ten.. but..
2. How can I know if she’s happy or sad, if she needs someone, but doesn’t have someone? Whether her partner treats her right, how can I (in any way) make her life better? (Obviously some would advise leaving her well enough alone would be a good place to start, and I’m doing that).
3. What if this love only comes once and I won the lottery of shit by actually meeting with her, but never getting to make a life together?
3.1. I want there to only be one love like this, I don’t want anything to devalue it..
4. My awakening, to how I’ve been living my life and what I NEED from a relationship and the fact I won’t find this with the person I’ve spent the last ten years with?
(I love my OH, but am not and never have been in-love, whatever I do I HAVE to avoid as much pain for her as possible, regardless of whether I’m spending the rest of my life living in that space my true love left for me).
There’s more, but I’ve gone on long enough and have no idea if anyone will read this..
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