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TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
MrSpock
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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by MrSpock » Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:28 pm

Hi CT. Welcome!
cantevenchoose wrote:
Wed Jun 06, 2018 5:07 pm
I had kids. My marriage is pretty unhappy. I'm often depressed and my husband HATES me when I'm depressed, which makes both of us.

...

Finances don't even allow for a separation.
When my wife was about 22 o 23 years old, they finally had enough with the father and decided to kick him out for good.

She has a younger sister, 16 at the time, and another even younger sister, only 9 yro, with Down Syndrome.

My mother in law never worked in her life, so the 4 of them depended entirely on his financial support. But, the cons finally outweighed the pros.

You can imagine how extremely difficult it was for such a family composition. They could barely eat, get some clothes mostly from friends, and live by the day. For the first year the 16 yro sister cried all day because she figured they'd just die out of hunger without his money. My wife and mother in low were more determined and were able to endure and stick to it.

25 years later, they ALL agree that there hasn't been a single day where day wished they traded their peace of mind for his money. It was though, but living with him was tougher.

So, while I have no idea about your marriage, and I'm not at all suggesting you should separate, I do suggest that if you don't, is not because you erroneously imagine that you can't be on your own and take care of the kids without his financial support.

Money ITSELF is not essential, what is essential is to eat, to have a roof, to have something to wear, etc... and yes, you get those with money, but, to smile, to love, to get a good sleep, to enjoy a simple moment, etc... that is also essential, and you can't sacrifice the later for the former.

"where there's a will there's a way", and you don't need his money.

Idiotic
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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by Idiotic » Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:55 pm

MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:28 pm
Hi CT. Welcome!
cantevenchoose wrote:
Wed Jun 06, 2018 5:07 pm
I had kids. My marriage is pretty unhappy. I'm often depressed and my husband HATES me when I'm depressed, which makes both of us.

...

Finances don't even allow for a separation.
When my wife was about 22 o 23 years old, they finally had enough with the father and decided to kick him out for good.

She has a younger sister, 16 at the time, and another even younger sister, only 9 yro, with Down Syndrome.

My mother in law never worked in her life, so the 4 of them depended entirely on his financial support. But, the cons finally outweighed the pros.

You can imagine how extremely difficult it was for such a family composition. They could barely eat, get some clothes mostly from friends, and live by the day. For the first year the 16 yro sister cried all day because she figured they'd just die out of hunger without his money. My wife and mother in low were more determined and were able to endure and stick to it.

25 years later, they ALL agree that there hasn't been a single day where day wished they traded their peace of mind for his money. It was though, but living with him was tougher.

So, while I have no idea about your marriage, and I'm not at all suggesting you should separate, I do suggest that if you don't, is not because you erroneously imagine that you can't be on your own and take care of the kids without his financial support.

Money ITSELF is not essential, what is essential is to eat, to have a roof, to have something to wear, etc... and yes, you get those with money, but, to smile, to love, to get a good sleep, to enjoy a simple moment, etc... that is also essential, and you can't sacrifice the later for the former.

"where there's a will there's a way", and you don't need his money.
Wow. Thanks for that advise Mr Spock, i mean im not talking on behalf of CT, but i love the spirit of your answers.





Oh , and Welcome CT, i hope you find what helps you.
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

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Spinnaker
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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by Spinnaker » Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:10 pm

Wow! What a story. Thank you for sharing. Your wife and MIL sound like strong women. Onky if you want to share, wondering where is MIL and your wife's younger sister today? Very inspiring and so true.
"We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality."
Iris Murdoch

JupiterTaco
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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by JupiterTaco » Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:41 pm

Welcome Cantevenchoose!

Some therapists don't know what limerence is, and many more people in the outside world don't either (though it's something most people I've ever known would do good to research) but definitely worth looking into for help. My past LOs combined took about 7 years of my life altogether, so I can totally relate. There's a lot of helpful information around here.
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

Havb
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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by Havb » Wed Jun 06, 2018 11:12 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Wed Jun 06, 2018 6:03 pm
It doesn't have to be a lonely road. That's the benefit of this forum. Practically anytime day or night you can reach out for a lifeline. :ymhug: You are never alone in this and you can find folks who have walked in very similar shoes. We can relate and empathize.

Welcome
So well-put, Spinnaker. Lovely @};- thanks for the reminder
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

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David
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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by David » Thu Jun 07, 2018 6:49 am

LE = the mother of all distractions

Welcome CE.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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L-F
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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by L-F » Thu Jun 07, 2018 8:45 am

MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:28 pm
"where there's a will there's a way", and you don't need his money.
Or... stash his money away and then leave?
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

MrSpock
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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jun 07, 2018 7:24 pm

Idiotic wrote:
Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:55 pm
for that advise Mr Spock, i mean im not talking on behalf of CT, but i love the spirit of your answers.
:D

MrSpock
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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jun 07, 2018 8:08 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:10 pm
Wow! What a story. Thank you for sharing. Your wife and MIL sound like strong women. Onky if you want to share, wondering where is MIL and your wife's younger sister today? Very inspiring and so true.
My MIL eventually started to sell Avon products. While the Avon pyramidal system itself potentially allows you to make quite a decent living, she never ascended in the hierarchy, but made enough to provide for the 3 daughters. They couldn't spare a piece of bread but they lived quite decently in a modest 1-room flat which, fortunately, he could not take away due to the youngest sister having Down Syndrome (here in Argentina the Law prevents certain things from happening when there is a family member with a disability, like selling the house she lives in even if both parents and house owners would want to). In fact, MIL was even able to pay for my DW higher education tuition as a kindergarten teacher (though she never worked as such)

By the time I married my DW, MIL was still providing for her family with the modest Avon job. My wife naturally moved out as we got married, but the other two sisters remained home.

MIL then started a long an painful divorce trial which she eventually won, so now DW's father has to pay every month some money. Is not enough, but it helps. Eventually, the middle sister moved out too and got a job, so, for about a decade now, my wife and her middle sister both cover all decent living expenses for her mother and youngest sister, who for a few years now lives in a specialized center (we had to change centers a number of times but finally found one which really takes care of her all day, and her mother can and does visit all the time) [My DW is a housewife, so her part of the money comes from my job]

MIL is starting to be old now (she is 80), but she still takes care of her younger daughter even if she lives in that center. MIL lives alone in a rented flat (whose rent is covered by the two sisters). She would never come live with us, or the middle sister which so far remains single, because she prefers to be alone... my kids specially drive her completely crazy and she likes to visit occasionally but only for a couple of hours. She's the very definition of hard-working (even if while married her job was her family), but she is not really good with people.

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Re: TEN GODDAMN YEARS

Post by Rocinante » Sun Jun 10, 2018 8:15 am

Just want to say: I relate. So. Hard. To. This. Particularly the time travel parts where you're susceptible to a lot of "if only I had..." ruminating. Particularly in the things your rational brain has been trying to tell you, but (amazingly) they don't work.

I think at this point I'd take out a bank loan of $100000 for a magical off switch: flip it and this other person will be a 'regular schmoe' to you forever. I wanted it yeeeaarrs ago.

Thanks for writing it.
Rocinante • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocinante_(disambiguation)
RECLUDET PRATERITIS! <-- Current mantra / magic spell ("Quarantine the past!")

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