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Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
tifr
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Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by tifr » Tue May 29, 2018 1:35 am

I just discovered the term 'limerence' today, while searching for information on 'unrequited love'. I am so grateful there is a vocabulary for this.

I am so very glad the definitions I've found describe it as the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

That 'involuntarily' part really speaks to me. I could never understand why this started. He was just a guy. But from what little I have read today, there were a number of factors that easily played into this turning into a problem for me. In particular, he was a professor and that meant he had the power of validating my worth, by giving me a grade. Given various childhood baggage, that power set me up for a fall. I have been looking for recognition and validation my whole life.

I also appreciate the part about it not being 'not primarily for a sexual relationship'. That has also led to confusion on my end, because I can't figure out just what the hell it is I do feel for him, since sex is not the end goal. (I have certainly thought about it, but this isn't raging lust.)

This has been occurring, on and off, for twenty years. (Do I win an award? Can I get a t-shirt or a coffee mug?) I think limerence only partly describes it, as it has gone through other phases, too. (BTW, I was married for several years and also had another LTR in that twenty years, so I have had other relationships. It's just that this one has stuck in my mind.)

Today I received an email from him and it just hit me that everything about this guy makes me nuts and I could never figure out why. It's funny, too, as I have known him so long to know that there are things about him that would drive me nuts if we tried to have a relationship. I am not blindly thinking he is the embodiment of perfection, yet I can't stop thinking about him. Worse yet, I feel shame for not being able to control the intrusive thoughts. I realize now that this is part of a larger issue.

Clearly I have a long way to go here, but identifying the problem is the first step. I am so very relieved to know I am not the only one, as this was really making me feel crazy today.

So, hey, this wasn't a club I thought I would be joining, but here I am.

Ivanhoe
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Re: Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by Ivanhoe » Tue May 29, 2018 1:59 am

Tiger,
You will find a world of help here. This no laughing matter what you are experiencing. We’ve all been here. Good luck!
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Ivanhoe
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Re: Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by Ivanhoe » Tue May 29, 2018 2:07 am

Tifr
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Acrobatica
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Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by Acrobatica » Tue May 29, 2018 2:54 am

Welcome. Read around. I have learned more here in two months than in over a year of therapy. Keep posting and asking questions.

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David
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Re: Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by David » Tue May 29, 2018 6:05 am

tifr wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 1:35 am
Worse yet, I feel shame for not being able to control the intrusive thoughts. I realize now that this is part of a larger issue.
Welcome tift

Shame is a big of this condition. We had a thread recently on this and a book recommendation of John Bradshaw about the shame that binds us. I grew up with much shame especially around my religion, my body, my sexuality and a ton of other stuff. Talking about these aspects of me to others I trust and that dont judge and shame me more has released my shackles.

And 20 years sadly is no record for LE. 50 years is the longest i've come across.

Hope you get some more insights here.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

Idiotic
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Re: Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by Idiotic » Tue May 29, 2018 7:28 am

tifr wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 1:35 am
I have been looking for recognition and validation my whole life.

Hello and welcome tifr, also, those lines couldve been said by me. In fact i sometimes think of wearing a badge saying i need validation, cos i need it from everyone around me and i suspect ill need it all my life.
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

JohnDeux
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Re: Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by JohnDeux » Tue May 29, 2018 1:46 pm

Idiotic wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 7:28 am
In fact i sometimes think of wearing a badge saying i need validation, cos i need it from everyone around me and i suspect ill need it all my life.
Maybe all your life, but I actually think being on this new path can help immensely with the *degree* of that need.

But just an LOL for the moment, when you mentioned that "badge", immediately what sprung to mind is a new T-shirt with one side saying "Stroke me, I need Validation" and the other side saying "Kick me, I need Humiliation".... B-) Seems to be the twin poles that many limerent go between until pendulum begins to lose its momentum.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Nerissa
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Re: Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by Nerissa » Tue May 29, 2018 2:13 pm

But just an LOL for the moment, when you mentioned that "badge", immediately what sprung to mind is a new T-shirt with one side saying "Stroke me, I need Validation" and the other side saying "Kick me, I need Humiliation".... B-) Seems to be the twin poles that many limerent go between until pendulum begins to lose its momentum.
[/quote]


Do you suppose the juxtaposition of limerance and humiliation has to do with shame, or a shame bound personality, unconsciously wanting punishment? And when the person becomes more aware and integrated, that aspect lessens?

MrSpock
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Re: Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by MrSpock » Tue May 29, 2018 3:31 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 1:46 pm
immediately what sprung to mind is a new T-shirt with one side saying "Stroke me, I need Validation" and the other side saying "Kick me, I need Humiliation".... B-) Seems to be the twin poles that many limerent go between until pendulum begins to lose its momentum.
LOL

From the many times I thought about what would I do if given just one more week to live, I was never able to find something really interesting, that would really make sense in that case. But now I'm getting a few excellent ideas: like wearing that T-shirt all week long. And organizing a "limerence.net" actual meetup. In Las Vegas, of course. :D

And NO... kidnapping LO is not on the list (but sure I thought about it) :ymblushing:

Idiotic
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Re: Grateful to have a vocabulary for this!

Post by Idiotic » Tue May 29, 2018 3:32 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 1:46 pm
Idiotic wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 7:28 am
In fact i sometimes think of wearing a badge saying i need validation, cos i need it from everyone around me and i suspect ill need it all my life.
Maybe all your life, but I actually think being on this new path can help immensely with the *degree* of that need.

But just an LOL for the moment, when you mentioned that "badge", immediately what sprung to mind is a new T-shirt with one side saying "Stroke me, I need Validation" and the other side saying "Kick me, I need Humiliation".... B-) Seems to be the twin poles that many limerent go between until pendulum begins to lose its momentum.
Woah. That is what ill wear everyday man! =)) Itll save so much awkward conversation :))
I need to get that T shirt :)]
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

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