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In love with my best friend

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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M.cesar
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 1:50 am
Canada

In love with my best friend

Post by M.cesar » Fri May 18, 2018 1:54 am

This my story.
I’m 43 and have been married to my wife for almost 17 years. We have one daughter age 16.
Our marriage for the most part had been peaceful; we get along great and hardly ever fight if at all. We both have been good at keeping the peace and compromise in many things affecting our family and home. Our marriage however became stale. After our daughter was born my wife practically closed up shop and intimacy was virtually nonexistent. Years went by and the same continued. The last two years we’ve only been intimate no more than four times. Over the last year my wife ended up working 2 jobs, not necessarily because she needed to but because the part time job was what she was most passionate about. This meant that she was hardly ever home. She worked 7days per week and did so for quite some time.
Throughout our marriage I felt unappreciated and taken for granted. At least that was my perception anyway, to the point that I really just wanted our marriage to end. While my wife and I are trying to work things out I can’t shake the feeling that I really just want out of my marriage but I stay for the sake of our family unit.
Around September of 2017 me and my LO, a coworker, struck a friendship. This is how it unfolded:
- [ ] We first met in August when she first started working in our branch. There was nothing remarkable about that first meeting. I introduced myself and thought nothing of her. Matter of fact she wasn’t my type and I was not remotely attracted to her. Furthermore she was quite young; about a 16 year age gap. At the time I was shamefully involved in an extramarital affair with another woman outside of work. She was also much younger than me; 30. At the time I thought that I was getting attached to this woman but she was unavailable same way I was unavailable.
- [ ] At some point over the course of the rest of the summer LO and I were having lunch at the same time in the office cafeteria and she challenged me to a game of air hockey. It was at that point that I remember our friendship started. Sometime around my birthday my young coworker messaged me on Facebook to say happy birthday which I thought was nice of her but again I thought nothing of it. At this point she was just a coworker to me and as I said I wasn’t even remotely attracted to her. Partly because I was hung up on the woman I was having an affair with. In any case my friendship with LO began to flourish. We started to get to know each other and since she was new to the country she would ask me many questions about living in Canada and the weather and so on and so forth. I offered my help wherever I could and she was always very grateful. Our friendship flourished and We both started to get this feeling as if we had known each other forever even though at that point we had just met a mere 3 months earlier. We became good friends. At the beginning I had a difficult time understanding her Irish accent which really taught me to listen carefully and pay attention to not only what she was saying but also how. I recall there was a lot of eye contact which for me was always difficult to maintain with anyone but with her it was so easy and I found myself getting lost in her eyes. She felt like home to me. I remember thinking that she had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. At the same time I was still carrying on my affair with this other woman so even though I was starting to feel an attraction to my LO I was still hung up on the other girl. Time went by and before I knew it I realized that I was thinking about LO more frequently. I always had a strict policy of never getting romantically involved with anyone from work so this was out of the ordinary for me to be even thinking about a coworker so I chalked it up to an innocent crush.
- [ ] All the while however our time together at work began to increase; lunchtime together most days, she instituted that we go out for lunch every Thursday so that became our thing and before I knew it I was looking forward to Thursdays. Our friendship continued to develop and we would talk a lot about spiritual things; she’s very spiritual and little by little I began to open my heart to many of the concepts she was talking about which were also new to her so we both embarked on this journey together. We often said that perhaps we knew each other in a past life. And she also believes that her late grandfather had somehow put me in her life to look after her. She referred to me as her guardian angel. We always did nice things for each other. I would bring her coffee sometimes. Sometimes she would. And sometimes we both would at the same time which we thought was hilarious. Throughout the day she would bring me coffee without me asking, she was very thoughtful. Often we would say what the other was thinking and we were convinced we were vibrating at the same frequency and had this telepathy.
I think it was at that point that I really started developing feelings for her. We started texting more frequently, whenever she would pass by my office she would always catch my eye and smile. People started to notice our friendship. one coworker in particular asked me what was going on between the both of us to which I said were just good friends.
Christmas time came around. She had been going on about this guy she was seeing and how he was not making time for her so they decided to just be friends because she didn’t want to catch feelings for someone who wasn’t gonna put in the time. They had made plans to go to this new restaurant in town but it never materialized. So I said I’ll go with you to this new restaurant. She blushed a little and smiled and agreed. That was the first of many dinners together. I should mention that this whole time I never hid my relationship status.

She was going to go back home for Christmas but would be back in time for New Years. Seeing as she had no plans or anyone to spend new year with I invited her to come spend it with me and my family. By that point my affair with the other woman began to wane. When I was with her I found myself thinking about my LO more and more.
Before LO left for Christmas we went out for dinner and exchanged gifts. Little did I know that I gave her what would be an influential gift that would have an impact in her life. It was a book, the alchemist and also a journal the journal was leather bound with the face of a horse embossed on the front. I won’t go into details but this was quite meaningful based on the conversations and personal things she shared with me. She was floored. Told me was the most thoughtful gift anyone had ever given her.
Fast forward to January. I had been struggling with a decision to transfer to another branch and part of the struggle was that I didn’t want to be away from her. In the end I made the decision to transfer out and in January I left. We made a pact that we would at least see each other at least once per month. After I left I missed her like crazy. At this point I was already madly in love with her however I could never tell her. What would be the point?? She missed me too. She told me she felt lost without me. Middle of January she got some bad news as she was diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer. She was devastated. I stood by her through the ordeal. She went through several surgeries and had to take time off work. I did all I could to help her out and she appreciated it all. My feelings for her continued to grow. I was thinking about her constantly. I would look forward to her txt or snaps. I’m the morning and at night and when they didn’t come I would feel disappointed and sometimes would spiral into a depression. All I wanted was to be with her. Our pact of seeing each other once per month was fulfilled... even more so as we saw each other several times a month. Dinners, outings etc.
We would talk or text every day. But whenever she didn’t or I perceived her responses as cold I would get depressed.
It felt that whenever I didn’t talk to her or she didn’t behave the way I expected her to I would have this angst and longing for her. And when she did and things were back to normal I would be at peace. It was like a drug.
We spoke about us being some type of soulmate. Not necessarily romantic but soul something nonetheless. It really does feel like we are. What we talk about, the countless hours we spend just talking. The texts. We encourage each other to be better people. We challenge each other. We want to see each other win.
I lover though. I feel it in my heart. It’s deeper than romantic love. In fact I don’t even have sexual thoughts about her. It’s like she’s the other half of my heart.
Back on July first 2017 before she even arrived in Canada, (I remember clearly because it’s a holiday here in Canada) I remember praying to god because I was feeling lost spiritually... I prayed that god would show me the way and that if there really was a god to show me because at that point I had lost my faith.
My LO arrived in Canada on July 2. The day after I made that prayer. Even though I didn’t meet her until a month later I look back at it now and realized my prayers were in fact answered. I can honestly say I’m a better person because of her. We have made plans to take certain courses together and we share with each other our victories and failures.
It’s unlike any other friend I’ve ever had and so the thought of going NC scares the living daylights out of me.
Here’s the thing though. I know that she only sees me as a friend. However o can’t help but thinking that all the while we’ve been carrying on she is either very naive or simply has no clue. I’m thinking that a young pretty girl spending so much time alone with a married man is inappropriate. However she doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. But she loves spending time with me as I do with her. My wife obviously is not crazy about my friendship with her but is not interfering be cause she doesn’t want me to resent her if gave me the ultimatum to choose my friend or our marriage. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m unavailable and she did once say to me that she didn’t want to get caught up in the drama that’s going on in my marriage. She doesn’t want to be seen as a home wrecker.
She said that to me once and I misunderstood her meaning and thought she didn’t want to be friends anymore. I was devastated and we talked about it over txt for a couple of hours. We both cried.
She tells me I’m one of the kindest people she’s ever known. We cleared the air and things went back to normal. I’m trying to accept all we’ll ever be is friends. I’m ok with that. As long as she’s in my life.
For her birthday I spent the whole day with her and made a few gifts for her which I gave her throughout the day. At the end of the night I gave her the main gift and wrote in her card how grateful I am for having her in my life. And how much she means to me because she has changed my life for the better.
She told me she felt the same. Though I’ve never told her my true feelings for fear or losing her friendship.
Fast forward to just a few days ago. She met a guy with whom she hit it off quite well and have gone out on couple of dates. I can tell she really likes him. They have a connection (where have I heard this before!!) anyways, it’s at this point that I’m writing this. It makes me feel like a fool for thinking that she might have the same romantic feelings that I have for her. I feel like a fool. I’m starting to pull away. It hurts so much thinking she won’t be around. I don’t want to tell her I want to end our friendship. I k ow it will hurt her. Because at the end of the day it’s not her fault. I don’t want to hurt her.
If I did I know she’d move on. She’s strong and has a good sense of self and is very confident.
In a way I’m happy that she has found someone who she can potentially be happy with. I want her to be happy. It makes me happy when I know she’s happy.
I do love her deeply. And to some extent I know she loves me too, but not romantically. She really is my best friend. I’ve had many friends in my life; almost all of them women; my best friend 20 years ago, another coworker was also a woman. We’ve lost touch as our lives have taken us in different paths but when we do see each other we usually pick up where we left off so I’ve had my share of close female friends. This is the first time I’ve actually fell in love with my best friend though. Sorry for the long winded story but it felt good getting this off my chest.
So Am I limirent?
Thanks for reading.

Hopelessly in love with my best friend.

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David
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Re: In love with my best friend

Post by David » Fri May 18, 2018 6:47 am

Welcome Cesar - Ive No idea if your limerent or not and the label is unhelpful in my judgement.

If you have a poke around here, you will see the consensus is limerence, infatuation ( I would also add all other forms of romantic love) are the way we are wired to pair bond and procreate. The brain soup whilst we are in love is full of neuropeptides that get us high, hence the addictive feelings we can never have enough of. When we have done our heavy lifting, we can see this mental hijacking for what it is and for us men, we can take back some self control of what our sexual drive has over us. There is no magical other that can fill that hole in our soul.

Id suggest you exploring what your affairs help you avoid confronting? Perhaps an existential crisis of purpose and meaning? A decent therapist can help and Id also suggest some MC where you can start being more honest with your SO about your feelings in the marriage, your need to act out, your frustrations with her withholding sex and to question why did she started controlling the sex ( an all too common dynamic when babies come along).

You've some pretty big hills to climb, actually id call them mountains. you are going to need some good support along the way if you are up for the climb. You will find some of that support here.

Others will likely chip in as the above is only my view, that said it is based on a fair bit of personal experience .
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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marko
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Re: In love with my best friend

Post by marko » Mon May 21, 2018 8:36 pm

There are many components to this, but one in the reading, besides the meeting this exciting new person I see is the non sexual thought bonding. You mention being under cared about and perhaps this personal wounding is coming out in caring for this other person. A deep bonding nurturing without a sexual feeling. I think the impact that causes us to write a novel about a coworker is cue #1 :D . We lament, project and wiggle our wills into this in strange ways. The escape to this person and the bad feelings and the never ending obsessing may make you a bit 8-} as you sort it out. Some will end up back to bad childhood stuff, be open and chase the painful stuff to where it leads. My wonderful LO just pulled out the stitches till I bled all kinds of unrelated pain all over my life, and pain it is. It's a great place, many twists and turns here.

LostAgain
Posts: 257
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:17 am
Great Britain

Re: In love with my best friend

Post by LostAgain » Mon May 21, 2018 10:07 pm

Sorry to rain on your parade,buddy.
The thing that strikes me about your post is the lack of consideration for your 'missus'.
I feel for you in your limerence,it is brutal.
However I think you need to look at your priorities first.It seems you have thought about your previous mistress and then about your LO.
What about the mother of your child?....Maybe you have to let her go first and then look at why you are two women down the line in terms of emotional priorities.
I reckon this will draw some criticism but some times you have to man up and do the right thing before dealing with your own processes,which could take a long time.

L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: In love with my best friend

Post by L-F » Mon May 21, 2018 11:10 pm

LostAgain wrote:
Mon May 21, 2018 10:07 pm
I reckon this will draw some criticism but some times you have to man up and do the right thing before dealing with your own processes,which could take a long time.
Criticism-smiticism... just be honest I say. That way people know where you stand.

I agree. Don't take your SO down that dirty lane with you. Cut her some slack and let her go before things really get messed up. Either that or focus on creating a healthier relationship.

Good luck.
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

M.cesar
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 1:50 am
Canada

Re: In love with my best friend

Post by M.cesar » Tue May 22, 2018 1:54 pm

There are obviously other issues I didn’t talk about in my story, specially relating to my wife. My story really was about my LE; how I became limirent and how my LO has impacted my life right now.
My wife and I are in fact trying to work things out. My LO was a catalyst for us to open our eyes about our marriage and take the steps to try to heal our marriage. Over the last 2 months we’ve actually become a little closer after we decided to take things one day at a time.
So far we’ve been good but at the core of all this is my desire to let go of these feelings I have for my LO.
I still think about LO consistently and we still communicate daily. We are after all best friends. As for the woman I had a physical affair she’s no longer in the picture thank goodness. The hardest part is letting go of LO.
As for consideration for my wife goes is it wrong of me to stay in our marriage for the sake of our family unit? I want to fall in love with her again.
I know people will say that the best thing to do is to go NC. obviously... but I guess that’s the point of all of us being here; that’s easier said than done. I’m seeking support from people going through the same experience. Hoping anyone has any suggestions.

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David
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Re: In love with my best friend

Post by David » Tue May 22, 2018 2:12 pm

M.cesar wrote:
Tue May 22, 2018 1:54 pm
Hoping anyone has any suggestions.
Follow the advice in the recovery section which starts with NC.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

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