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I chose this out of... boredom?

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
dogersfan_99
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I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by dogersfan_99 » Wed May 09, 2018 7:21 pm

I feel so stupid for creating the mental situation I'm in! And I did it on purpose!

My LO and I met on a work project. We are both married, me quite happily, him I don't know and I try not to speculate.

Most of my struggles with mental health have been mild anxiety, depression, and PMDD. I have been in pretty good control of myself for several years.

Anyway, this work project took me away from my SO for a couple of weeks. I was in a mental state where I felt quite happy despite mildly missing my SO. Things were going well, the work project was fun, I was enjoying the change of pace from my usual work, hell even the weather was nice.

I developed a couple of very mild "work crushes" which honestly didn't worry me. I was enjoying a type of instant camaraderie that can happen when meshing well in work situations. A couple of guys were cute and funny, but whatever. I felt that this was very normal. I enjoyed seeing them and looked forward to our interactions each day but I was not deeply infatuated. It was more like... friend crushes, if that makes sense.

The real trouble started after the project ended. I became sad. I have coping mechanisms and try to be aware of what is going on with me and why. Returning to my normal boring days as opposed to this bright and shiny project was hard. Hormonally I was scheduled to be a mess. I let myself grieve, journaled about my experiences, etc.

That was when my LO and I began reaching out to each other on social media. I could say that he started it but I posted something that I hoped would bait him. I had been thinking about him and remembering good times. Suddenly I was OVER THE MOON to be in contact with him.

I thought about this escalating crush and chose not to shut it down. It felt so good to have such strong positive feelings. I was sleeping less, getting a lot of work done, and not feeling sadness or boredom. I thought- this is great! It seems pretty harmless! I'll let this run its course. Little did I know that I was throwing kerosene onto a rapidly growing fire.

Within a week I was obsessed with him. Checking social media 9750000 times a day, looking at his pictures, thinking of excuses to say something to him, posting things with him in mind hoping he would comment.

To make matters worse, given his behavior, I am pretty sure he is going through a similar experience and I am also an LO to him. We met again (work related, but this project was his idea, fortunately it was very short and only lasted a couple of days). We had a long talk about life and work and he is in a VERY vulnerable place right now, stressed out, facing a difficult career decision, plus feeling inadequate. He really dumped a lot of feelings on me and I listened and gave him a safe space. Then he mentioned other things that indicated that he was paying a lot of attention to my social media posts, much more than it had seemed.

So now in addition to creating this situation for myself... WHAT HAVE I DONE TO HIM. I am a monster. A bit of very minor flirting to boost my ego and look where that gets me.

Now I am struggling with no contact because I think it's the only way out. I had two successful days, today will be day three. No liking his social media posts, deleted his texts and emails off my phone, trying not to look at Facebook at all really. I've been reading on here instead.

Thank you so much for this forum! I have been reading a lot about this, and so many of your stories have resonated with me.

MrSpock
Posts: 595
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by MrSpock » Wed May 09, 2018 8:02 pm

dogersfan_99 wrote:
Wed May 09, 2018 7:21 pm
So now in addition to creating this situation for myself... WHAT HAVE I DONE TO HIM. I am a monster. A bit of very minor flirting to boost my ego and look where that gets me.

Now I am struggling with no contact because I think it's the only way out. I had two successful days, today will be day three. No liking his social media posts, deleted his texts and emails off my phone, trying not to look at Facebook at all really. I've been reading on here instead.

Thank you so much for this forum! I have been reading a lot about this, and so many of your stories have resonated with me.
Hi Dogersfan,

For what is worth, your situation looks a lot like mine. What started as an innocent mutual flirting ended up with me going nuts. I really don't think she's limerent or anything like that but I do think she was really falling in love with me, so I had to go NC.

What works for me each and every time is to repeat to myself what I've written here when I realized what was I doing:

I'm determined to make what I want for her win over what I want from her.

Keep that as a north and brace yourself for the journey of your life!

Sara72
Posts: 85
Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2018 8:18 am
Gender:
Netherlands

Re: I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by Sara72 » Wed May 09, 2018 9:10 pm

I don't believe boredom is the issue. Boredom does not create an obsession.
F, 46
LO, M, 41
There is liberation in a single acceptance

dogersfan_99
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed May 09, 2018 5:41 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by dogersfan_99 » Wed May 09, 2018 10:54 pm

Sara72 wrote:
Wed May 09, 2018 9:10 pm
I don't believe boredom is the issue. Boredom does not create an obsession.
This is true. I think I wanted to distract myself from feeling sad or maybe even just "normal". I'm thinking through past limerances I've had, it seems to come up once every few years or so. I'm trying to figure out why. Partly it's probably a distraction from regular old anxiety, depression, and the mood swings of PMDD. I'm not sure if there's something else there or not.

dogersfan_99
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed May 09, 2018 5:41 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by dogersfan_99 » Wed May 09, 2018 11:05 pm

MrSpock wrote:
Wed May 09, 2018 8:02 pm
I'm determined to make what I want for her win over what I want from her.

Keep that as a north and brace yourself for the journey of your life!
Thank you for this! Besides, what am I getting from him... an ego boost! How gross! I shouldn't need or want that from him. Especially not if it hurts him to get involved as "friends with emotional benefits".

And the same to him with me. This has to stop. He might want or need an ego boost but no more from me, it is costing me my sanity!

ReeledIn
Posts: 579
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Re: I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by ReeledIn » Thu May 10, 2018 1:14 am

Oh dear...i could have written the original post except our firtations and talks were over text and F2F at lunch, not social media.

I hate to break this to you...but NC also means blocking him on social media ASAP..especially in your case. It means no communication. Which includes cyber stalking.

Also the talking about intimate subjects is a very slippery slope. This is gow affairs start 99% of the time. I speak from experience.
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

dogersfan_99
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed May 09, 2018 5:41 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by dogersfan_99 » Thu May 10, 2018 3:45 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Thu May 10, 2018 1:14 am
Oh dear...i could have written the original post except our firtations and talks were over text and F2F at lunch, not social media.

I hate to break this to you...but NC also means blocking him on social media ASAP..especially in your case. It means no communication. Which includes cyber stalking.

Also the talking about intimate subjects is a very slippery slope. This is gow affairs start 99% of the time. I speak from experience.
Thank you. I am here because I want to get better, even if that means some tough love.

I think it probably would help me if I unfriend/block him on social media. But what do I do if he tries to re-friend me? What if I see him again and he mentions it?

JohnDeux
Posts: 1827
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by JohnDeux » Thu May 10, 2018 4:47 pm

dogersfan_99 wrote:
Thu May 10, 2018 3:45 pm
But what do I do if he tries to re-friend me? What if I see him again and he mentions it?
I think it may have been brought up before, but I think it's fair enough just to say that you are going through some changes in your life and need some time/space for introspection, some of which needs reduced contact with many in your circle. If you keep it somewhat generic, then your LO hopefully will be respectful of your decision.

If they aren't?,.....chalk it up as one more reason why they really should not be considered so special to you! B-)
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Moira
Posts: 76
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 9:27 pm
United States of America

Re: I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by Moira » Tue May 22, 2018 4:28 am

dogersfan_99 wrote:
Wed May 09, 2018 7:21 pm
I feel so stupid for creating the mental situation I'm in! And I did it on purpose!

My LO and I met on a work project. We are both married, me quite happily, him I don't know and I try not to speculate.

Most of my struggles with mental health have been mild anxiety, depression, and PMDD. I have been in pretty good control of myself for several years.

Anyway, this work project took me away from my SO for a couple of weeks. I was in a mental state where I felt quite happy despite mildly missing my SO. Things were going well, the work project was fun, I was enjoying the change of pace from my usual work, hell even the weather was nice.

I developed a couple of very mild "work crushes" which honestly didn't worry me. I was enjoying a type of instant camaraderie that can happen when meshing well in work situations. A couple of guys were cute and funny, but whatever. I felt that this was very normal. I enjoyed seeing them and looked forward to our interactions each day but I was not deeply infatuated. It was more like... friend crushes, if that makes sense.

The real trouble started after the project ended. I became sad. I have coping mechanisms and try to be aware of what is going on with me and why. Returning to my normal boring days as opposed to this bright and shiny project was hard. Hormonally I was scheduled to be a mess. I let myself grieve, journaled about my experiences, etc.

That was when my LO and I began reaching out to each other on social media. I could say that he started it but I posted something that I hoped would bait him. I had been thinking about him and remembering good times. Suddenly I was OVER THE MOON to be in contact with him.

I thought about this escalating crush and chose not to shut it down. It felt so good to have such strong positive feelings. I was sleeping less, getting a lot of work done, and not feeling sadness or boredom. I thought- this is great! It seems pretty harmless! I'll let this run its course. Little did I know that I was throwing kerosene onto a rapidly growing fire.

Within a week I was obsessed with him. Checking social media 9750000 times a day, looking at his pictures, thinking of excuses to say something to him, posting things with him in mind hoping he would comment.

To make matters worse, given his behavior, I am pretty sure he is going through a similar experience and I am also an LO to him. We met again (work related, but this project was his idea, fortunately it was very short and only lasted a couple of days). We had a long talk about life and work and he is in a VERY vulnerable place right now, stressed out, facing a difficult career decision, plus feeling inadequate. He really dumped a lot of feelings on me and I listened and gave him a safe space. Then he mentioned other things that indicated that he was paying a lot of attention to my social media posts, much more than it had seemed.

So now in addition to creating this situation for myself... WHAT HAVE I DONE TO HIM. I am a monster. A bit of very minor flirting to boost my ego and look where that gets me.

Now I am struggling with no contact because I think it's the only way out. I had two successful days, today will be day three. No liking his social media posts, deleted his texts and emails off my phone, trying not to look at Facebook at all really. I've been reading on here instead.

Thank you so much for this forum! I have been reading a lot about this, and so many of your stories have resonated with me.
Wow, your story really reminded me of mine in a lot of ways. I wanted to say, first of all, great job going NC! That’s such a wise decision, in my opinion. Stay strong.
If you find you can’t control yourself from looking at his social media, you could, as others have said, unfollow him. If you’re concerned that this will bring on awkward questions, you could get off Facebook altogether. You can always start a new account later if you want to, and not accepting a friend request isn’t as obvious as unfriending someone. Lots of people are busy and forget about friend requests.
That’s what I did, anyway. When my LO asked me about leaving social media I pretended it wasn’t a big deal. Temporarily getting off social media is a small price to pay for your sanity. I’ve been down that road. Good luck!
"Love liberates. It doesn't bind." -Maya Angelou

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3272
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: I chose this out of... boredom?

Post by JupiterTaco » Sat May 26, 2018 11:44 pm

Sara72 wrote:
Wed May 09, 2018 9:10 pm
I don't believe boredom is the issue. Boredom does not create an obsession.
I agree, it's something that's missing.
"You know what makes the night so beautiful? That the galaxy had a choice to sit in darkness but it decided to let stars shine bright." S D-B, 1962-2018

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