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Hello from new member

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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Binkydc
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Hello from new member

Post by Binkydc » Mon Apr 30, 2018 5:30 am

Hello, Wow, today is one of the best days of my life as I came across this disorder while reading an article online... There is finally a diagnosis for my life long torment. I hope to gain help here and hope to help and support you as well. Here’s my story...

I’m 46 and have had LEs since I was probably 12. I grew up a ‘lost child’ and lived in fantasy much of the time as a child because of abuse and turmoil around me. This was a useful coping mechanism as a child, but has negatively impacted me in many ways as an adult. It’s hard for me to stay in the present. I’ve been to a lot of therapy and understand my past well and recovered in some areas but never figured out the obsessive thinking which has been quite debilitating at times as you know.

I’m currently in month 8 if an LE and want the time back that I’ve wasted thinking of my LO. With the reading I’ve done today so far on the disorder, I feel pretty positive about getting out of this current LE (soon I hope) and am more concerned about my future behaviors and relationships.

Some ques/concerns I have are:

1. Do people ever get cured from limerence or is it like any addiction where it’s always there and you need to keep it at bay through therapy and mindfulness?

2. Does being on this site actually give LOs some attention and power since they’re the focus of the discussion? Does this perpetuate thinking of LO?

3. I’m concerned I won’t be able to discern the euphoric feelings from an LE versus a true love experience. For me the LE feels like a love experience. Whenever I have someone kind, healthy and secure express interest in me, I usually am not interested and it feels foreign. I consistently fall for emotionally unavailable types which then turns into unsettled, insecure feelings bc they can’t show me love. It triggers the LE and the wrong person for me becomes an LO. I recognize I’m repeating patterns from childhood where I was rejected/emotionally neglected from my Dad, but don’t know how to break such a deep rooted action.

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David
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Re: Hello from new member

Post by David » Mon Apr 30, 2018 5:54 am

Welcome Binkydc and glad you found our community. I remember when i first came across the term limernece and found this site's precursor, it was a revelation.

To answer your questions:
1. Do people ever get cured from limerence or is it like any addiction where it’s always there and you need to keep it at bay through therapy and mindfulness?
No we are never cured. We are always going to want to sooth our attachment wounds be seeking external validation when we are stressed. Mindfulness and other practices that help us stay present do help. Knowing the type of LO's that trigger us and to know when we are getting triggered also helps. when this happens we can then implement being uber-boundaried. And if we are in a committed monogamous relationship, to have absolute honesty in that relationship so our SO's can support us when triggered and tempted.
2. Does being on this site actually give LOs some attention and power since they’re the focus of the discussion? Does this perpetuate thinking of LO?
Yes, there is a danger of this especially in the early phases. Its what addicts call euphoric recall. There are sections on this site for those that want to revell in this. Again, increasing self awareness helps to know when we are doing this and to be honest with ourselves that that is what we are doing. and to learn some self compassion for when we do, as we are only human and there is nothing wrong in this.
3. I’m concerned I won’t be able to discern the euphoric feelings from an LE versus a true love experience. For me the LE feels like a love experience. Whenever I have someone kind, healthy and secure express interest in me, I usually am not interested and it feels foreign. I consistently fall for emotionally unavailable types which then turns into unsettled, insecure feelings bc they can’t show me love. It triggers the LE and the wrong person for me becomes an LO. I recognize I’m repeating patterns from childhood where I was rejected/emotionally neglected from my Dad, but don’t know how to break such a deep rooted action.
Great question. My own expereince has been it takes many years of self development work to get to a place of being able to disentangle what is true fondness for another that can grow into mature love for another verus the limerence energy of infatuation that comes from a young ego. the latter is going to be mutual unconscious wounds that are at the heart of the infatuation. One of my tutors when i did my psychotherapy training summed it up beautifully with these words: It wasn't until my fourth marriage to a psychotherapist, something I vowed I would never do, and when i took back all my projections that marriage became a lot easier. Oh, and he was 70 by then :-o :-o

I think the points he makes are do our own heavy lifting, know ourselves well enough that we can own our projections and marry someone that is equally self aware, non defensive and able to own their own projections.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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marko
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Re: Hello from new member

Post by marko » Mon Apr 30, 2018 7:46 pm

My story reads like yours. I didn't have abuse, but escaped myself through fantasy. I have your concerns as well as my brain has worked this way for so long, it seems set. My latest LO episode didn't destroy my marriage, but I have nothing for it as it was built shallow as everything in LE is. I wonder too what knowing these things will do for my future. I think seeing what you do and getting to the bottom of how it interacts is a good first step. Welcome and learn to heal.

Binkydc
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Re: Hello from new member

Post by Binkydc » Tue May 01, 2018 2:48 am

Thank you David and Marko for your thoughtful replies. I was married for 10 yrs with someone who was never an LO. I never felt extremely passionate or attracted to him, but decided to marry him since it never worked out with others who I was crazy about (LOs) and I was sick of getting heartbroken, didn't trust my feelings and knew deep down I was screwed up. He was a really good person and loved me, so I thought it would be right and hoped the whole time I would grow more attracted to him. We have 3 kids, but the attraction never came, and I started getting depressed thinking about living my whole life in a loveless marriage. Then boom, an old LO came back when his marriage was in shambles and I had an affair which flipped my world and I was not able stay married after that experience of what I felt was 'true love' with my LO. I've been divorced now for 4 years. Trying to date in a healthy way, but I'm not confident about being able to properly find and maintain a healthy relationship.

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David
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Re: Hello from new member

Post by David » Tue May 01, 2018 11:18 am

Binkydc wrote:
Tue May 01, 2018 2:48 am
Trying to date in a healthy way, but I'm not confident about being able to properly find and maintain a healthy relationship.
My advice, stop dating until you have worked through some of your issues with a decent therapist. It will give you a better chance of dating someone that is emotionally more functional. We are attracted to the same level of dysfunction that we have, or as a client of mine once said, sick attracts sick :(
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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marko
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Re: Hello from new member

Post by marko » Tue May 01, 2018 2:27 pm

As you, I married after a LO broke up with me. My wife may not be an LO, but I did that desperate never ending obsessing thing I do and thought the buzz I got was love. After 25 years here I am, figured it out as to why it means nothing to me. Knowing doesn't cause me to like her. She admitted escaping her past in me as well. Escaping self developed nothing.

NVTS
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Re: Hello from new member

Post by NVTS » Tue May 01, 2018 3:09 pm

[quote=Binkydc post_id=43316 time=1525139287 user_id=1661 I was married for 10 yrs with someone who was never an LO. I never felt extremely passionate or attracted to him, but decided to marry him since it never worked out with others who I was crazy about (LOs) and I was sick of getting heartbroken, didn't trust my feelings and knew deep down I was screwed up. He was a really good person and loved me, so I thought it would be right and hoped the whole time I would grow more attracted to him.

Binky; Replace he/him with she/ her and it pretty much explains my feelings. I am married 20+ years and we have 2 teen daughters. I think it was Rothko who said in an old post that the current LTR is in a sort of gray zone. Not bad enough to leave and obviously not good enough that I don’t obsess over LO.

Anyway welcome and keep sharing, this BB has been a life saver for me.
M-46-married
LO- married 47,work colleagues

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