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- Joined: Tue Feb 13, 2018 1:54 am
First of all, thank you for reading my story. Honestly, I don't even know where to start (excuse me if my English is not perfect, I am not a native speaker).
I met L two years ago at a theatre workshop. In a few weeks, we became members of the same ensemble. I was fascinated by her personality since the very beginning, however, romantic thoughts never crossed my mind in those first months. She is not a type of person I would normally find attractive. Later on, during the summer rehearsals of 2016, we created a bond, which strengthened during the rehearsals of last spring and summer. We created a sort of 'strange intimacy', as L liked to describe it. We, somehow, became each other's fans. I started to love her so deeply, and (I thought, at least) so purely, that my feelings in the end manifested in romantic love and sexual attraction - for the second time in my 30 years of existence. It belongs to my story that I am a panromantic demisexual woman, who generally have difficulties with falling in love and feeling sexual attraction. But when it happens, the feeling is all consuming, and very hard to live with.
So, as time passed, in about one and a half years, I fell in love with L, wholely, entirely. I loved her with all my molecules, she was everything, my mentor, my teacher, my lover, my mother at the same time - there is a significant age difference between us. I completely followed the patterns of limerence, except for the awkwardness part. She nestled herself in my dreams, I became obsessed, I crazily idealized her, and couldn't detach myself from my reflection in her eyes, I started to define myself through how she sees me, which was fascinating, empowering, and ego-feeding. She was a whole new horizon, and showed me new horizons about myself as well. During last spring and summer, the milieu of the theatre gave perfect ground for the growth of my passion for her. It completely filled my mind and body, we spent most days together, after rehearsals spending the evenings in pubs. I thought I was truly myself in her presence, that I re-found the real me in those most intense weeks, but, in the long run, I had to realise that I wasn't right. Tension grew, she became colder with me, and I had to find myself either acting in a way that pleased her or provoking her.
At this moment, I truly can't judge whether she has a clue about what has happened inside of me. I did give several signs, my behaviour was not always amical: such as stroking her, kissing her hand, hugging her intensely, tipsy texting her many times that how much I love her - but generally I am a very (...overly...) warm person with people I love (a true gipsy!), including friends, so I might have not been really suspicious to her. On the other hand, L is a true Brit, how prefers to remain a bit remote, and polite most of the times. It is the first time I have fallen for a woman. Luckily, my friends were all extremely understanding and helpful, and listened to these stories endlessly, with real compassion.
I resisted the urge to disclose to her, at first because I didn't want to lose her friendship, and nowadays we work on a new play together, and I don't want to ruin the project and the ensemble. We will start the rehearsals next weekend. Ironically, L plays my mother in the play, for which she seemed very happy. I don't know how she feels about this now. We met yesterday and spent a few hours together in a bar in the city centre. She was kind, as always, still, distant. I feel that something has changed, and probably it was inevitable. I cannot say for sure it is about me personally, because she has been having a lot of tension within the ensemble recently, and not really happy with the whole project we are currently working on. I know that no contact is highly recommended for those suffering from limerence, and I indeed experienced progress in those 7-8 weeks around December and January when we didn't meet because of our other commitments and travels. But I cannot do this now.
I could depict this condition as a sinus curve, some days I am fine, some days are like I was trying to breath under water, and just want to vanish in the air eternally. I am in the progress where I can say I have stopped idealizing her, and admitted to myself she is not my 'true love' - if anything like this exists at all, and not even how I would normally imagine my 'true love'. I see her shallow and negligent side. And I am scared how we will work together on stage, it just cannot be like it was in the past years when we were fascinated by each other, and just freely enjoyed the journey. I am aware that what I am doing is not healthy, and probably the best decision would have been to quit the group. I am taking SSRI (for 4 years now), though, and it helps a lot.
I was happy to find this site as well as the forum, and to see I am not alone. Of course I am not happy seeing others suffer from the same madness. But I believe in the power of sharing our stories. Thanks again!
LO: 56, female INFP
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- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
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