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Help and advice needed

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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Helpmeplease
Posts: 68
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Tue Oct 09, 2018 5:44 pm

Glad you are pretty good, hope you stay that way and glad what I said helped. It's a realisation I am slowly making too.
Timing was just when I needed it, before I had a melt down, before I disclosed. Thank goodness. Fate? Dunno. But I needed it then. Right then. I am pleased with my reaction,. And relieved. The other reaction i can't think abkutm. I need to keep on top of rational thoughts, doing small stuff for me, get some sleep. I have a long way to go but think I could manage it.i have not thought that all year.

MetsFan
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Re: Help and advice needed

Post by MetsFan » Tue Oct 09, 2018 7:12 pm

Wow - she told you just in the nick of time. I suspect you’ll look back on that with some relief and see it as the great escape.

I’ve been / probably still at where you were in terms of disclosure. I tip-toed around it a few weeks ago, using the excuse of other people talking about us and how we needed to figure out why they thought that way. It didn’t work because the uncertainty wasn’t removed. She shut down the topic of us being together saying she couldn’t break up a family and described me a father figure to explain the emotional nature of our relationship. No denial of feelings and so no certainty. I think back to our drunken shouting match and she said at point - “come on, say it, if you don’t now you never will”. Looking back I think she was goading me to disclose but I didn’t. So much unresolved between us but probably for the best as I can’t act on it.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 68
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:22 pm

Yes, at times I would have given up (ruined) everything I had for my LO. Had she ever said let's just go to Norway I would have gone. I feel like she gave my a life line just at the point of no return, and I have to use it. Plug in my rational brain and listen somewhat. Disclosure would have been bad I am sure - she must know but we couldn't act on it (I don't even think she wanted to or have these feelings) - the disclosure I so badly wanted was basically saying I want you. Dress it up but that's what it was as the core.

I feel for you in where you are. I am not sure whether you are where I was pre or post her pregnancy disclosure. If it's pre then that is insanely hard. Is there a something she can say or you can do to reomve at least one major trigger for your LE? I count myself lucky she gave it to me. I was heading for disaster. NC was a way out but I couldn't do it, not sleeping meant I needed her more.

It reads like there could be some similarities between us - sounds like you are very good friends, have an intense connection, work have spotted it, (maybe family too?), she knows how you feel, you haven't talked about it but she continues to like interzction. Probably takea all your waking thoughts (I had weeks where I didn't absolutely nothing other than to check her calendar yo see when she might message me, and then wait at my desk in case she did. So crazy)

Nothing was resolved for me when there was no uncertainty removed - all the comments I made to her (pretty clear) she didn't respond back with at the same level but have just enough for there to be doubt on what relationship we have. Enough flirting, comments from her, touching on the shoulder. Fsther figure is something I often thought about, and especially as she has a very poor relationship with her father
That's why I needed disclosure - for certainty. But it's dangerous. I set out my thoughts on how that could go in an earlier post (I like/obsess over the possibilities and likelihood )- it was basically all bad. But still I wanted to do it. And I was goi ng to do it on the Friday I arranged a drink with her (against wife's instructions never to have one on one drink). And her disclosure saved me. But from my recent post its clear I still want some kind of disclosure.

I set out the triggers which meant I needed her. Maybe it's worth thinking of those for you.. and get some time for you and stuff you like to do. It's so hard. And I feel sad for you that you are in this torture. It's an internal conflict seemingly with no out. Try things to see if they are an out - exercise, hobby, sleep, anything, see if it helps.

MetsFan
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Re: Help and advice needed

Post by MetsFan » Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:37 pm

Helpmeplease wrote:
Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:22 pm

I feel for you in where you are. I am not sure whether you are where I was pre or post her pregnancy disclosure. If it's pre then that is insanely hard. Is there a something she can say or you can do to reomve at least one major trigger for your LE? I count myself lucky she gave it to me. I was heading for disaster. NC was a way out but I couldn't do it, not sleeping meant I needed her more.
I think when she gets a boyfriend or even worse starts dating someone from the office it will pop a bubble or two for me. I’ll feel utterly sick for a while but it will slap some sense into me I expect.
Helpmeplease wrote:
Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:22 pm
It reads like there could be some similarities between us - sounds like you are very good friends, have an intense connection, work have spotted it, (maybe family too?), she knows how you feel, you haven't talked about it but she continues to like interzction. Probably takea all your waking thoughts (I had weeks where I didn't absolutely nothing other than to check her calendar yo see when she might message me, and then wait at my desk in case she did. So crazy)
Yeah it definitely sounds similar to me! The difference with my LO is that she’s young enough to be my daughter and she reports to me. If I disclose and have got this wrong then we’re into harassment territory and I’m enormously scared of that as I have everything to lose and she doesn’t. But, I genuinely think she has some mixed up feelings for me, there’s so many signs and other people see it. Somehow that’s not enough for me until I hear it from her. But she’s so young and lacking in confidence. She hides her emotions too. My wife is suspicious too although I’ve explained it’s a paternalistic relationship (which is true to a degree). At the moment I don’t know how this ends without one of us leaving the firm.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 68
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Wed Oct 10, 2018 9:11 pm

Hope you are ok metsfan. I have posted most of my thoughts/ issues and it has been insanely hard (I even told my boss we needed a new role in our team and she was the person to fill it, which nearly happened. That goodness it didn't).

I was not coping at all (which I think is evident in my posts at end of last week) and I had concluded I needed to leave. I was interviewing and also agreed with my wife I would quit early next year irrespective of if I had a new job if I was not 'feeling better' (clearly didn't say it was to escape her). Until she dolloped a huge wake up call on me that's where I was headed. Basically if she would have been interested in me I would have ruined my family, if she wasn't I was hurting family and going to ruin my career.

I hope you are ok and not at the same level I was at. Look for triggers. Things to pop the bubble. Yes you need to watch the work sexual harassment - that could ruin family and work together, and you end up with nothing. Thays a lot of power you would give her. And for what? Can she be moved to a new team? Can you?

Mixed feelings - yes. I personally cannot see how I got so far into this without some feelings her side. Mixed. Father figure. Dunno. Something. But it's not feelings she wants to be with me. (I am now accepting that and will never ask, way to dangerous for me). She wants me in her life. We are close friends That is different to a life together.

No life together is perfect. But I do believe a strong family nucleus is key to having a happy life. There can be a lot of sadness around and family is needed. There is so much potential for happiness in family too. That's one major internal struggle I had - i want my family, ilove them, I need them, they need me... But why then would I have destoryed that for LO. Her telling me she was pregnant helped - popped a bubble - which basically highlighted to me I wasn't coping with family and I need to change. This is work in progress. Other bits too need sorting out. Put yourself first some times. I had never done that. Prioritise sleep when needed (I basically didn't sleep for 2 weeks).

Her disclosure also told me that reality of life is far different to fantasy. Going to pub with her and talking for hours on deep stuff (I will never forget that pub one on one) cannot happen all the time. Life is not intense and exciting and crazy at that level all the time. Whoever you are with and what ever you are doing, some times it will be boring, hard, mundane. That is impossible to escape. It's making sure there are times of fun, excitement etc that is key.

MetsFan
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Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by MetsFan » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:44 pm

I’m ok, I don’t beat myself up about my feelings, I think I understand what they are (Limerence) and why they have come about (white knight rescue from childhood). I can see the positive effects this LE has had too such as an improvement in my physical fitness and appearance as well as me learning more about myself.

BUT, the obsessive nature of my thoughts and the pangs of jealousy I get when she’s talking with other guys etc. I wish I could switch off. Thinking of her while I’m in bed with my wife is clearly wrong. I never think about leaving my wife and family and if she asked me to I would say no. In my fantasies we’re in hotel rooms together but they never progress to us having a life together (she’s too immature anyway, we’d annoy each other).

I just want her to want me really, and the uncertainty as to whether she does drives me crazy, as does the fact there’s little I can do to change it. I’m the boss so I can’t move jobs, I guess she could if I move her, but I can’t bring myself to do that as it would be for a worse job. And i like her too much to do that.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 68
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Sat Oct 13, 2018 3:12 pm

I understand all that MetsFan. It's rough. In feeling in a bettrt place, and understand a lot more about me, what I need and what I need to avoid. Still early days. Hope you are ok. Hope you can find something to break the spell.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 68
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Sun Oct 14, 2018 9:19 pm

I have enjoyed the weekend with my kids. That is probably the first weekend this year I haven't wanted to be with LO rather than playing with kids.

My LO threw me a lifeline. I think this is the exact right phrase. I have grabbed it with both hands but am still on the lifeline. I musr not get used to her being pregnant and then go backwards. We are really close. I miss her when I don't see her for a while. I am pretty sure she misses me if we don't see each other for a while Friday I helped her and she sent me a message saying 'thanks for being there for me today' and then four smiley faces. Not only are we close we do help each other a lot. She has also got very difficult relationships with close male family and is in therapy for it. I help her. And I like helping her. She is one of my favorite people I have ever met. And I keep thinking I want to tell her that (obvious anyway). Hard to remove her from my life. I don't want to. It feels possible to be friends given her news and how I reacted but I still feel that I a using the lifeline and not sure whether it is safe to come off it. I am very happy she will have a family, she does deserve happiness and it would have been totally selfish (maybe unforgivable) to have disclosed to her (especially given the really difficult relationships she has had with male family, then to realise our friendship was not all open/honest, although I was very open and honest up to the point of crossing the danger line)

Whether I can be friends with her is still open question but i think it might be ok. I want it to, she is one onf my best friends. when she goes on maternity leave there will be enforced NC so even if it goes wrong (in my head) there is a Max time limit. I do feel I will.miss her a lot when she is on maternity leave.my wife was relieved she is pregnant - actually said she feels safer in our relationship.

I think that 'caring big brother' (excluding the obvious other feelings I had for her) would be best way to describe us, at least in my mind. She doesn't have an older male role model. Given how we clicked and care about other, and how much time we spent together, am sure that this blurred the lines in what our friendship.is. I clearly took a different view (I feel that nearly destroyed me) and I will never know her view unless I ask.

I am still in danger of saying things like 'i feel unusually connected and close to you, I am here for you'.

Whole chapter of my life my wife will never know, being on the forum, how close I came to melt down. I am still using that lifeline and will hold it firmly as long as I can and certainly after it feels safe to get off it. It has really helped being on this forum and to share thoughts and get replies. Limerence is nasty life ruiner.

One thing I also realised that she managed to bust some of the fantasy bubble with her news rather than me busting bubble. Had she not done that I was heading for meltdown. What i must not do is find a replacement or to spent too much 'quality' time with LO. Clearly work on me, coping with kids, sleep, time for SO.. Perhaps I also need to basically said no to being friends with people I am attracted to. She is the only one to have tested this since family/marriage and so there isnt imminent danger.

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