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Close to 8 or 9 yrs but mayyyybe getting over it?

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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Rocinante
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Close to 8 or 9 yrs but mayyyybe getting over it?

Post by Rocinante » Sun Jun 10, 2018 8:08 am

Hey everyone,

I've just read a bunch of forum threads already and it's been very helpful— thanks all for your posts and stories. I think what is always a bedrock realization that makes me feel better about any bad situation is: "Well, the same thing happened to millions of people today." Seeing that that's actually true here, is even more helpful. And especially in the condition of limerence which presents itself as so singular, etc. Thousands or millions of people really do have this experience and that helps to break the power we give / project onto the LO, maybe even question the LOs significance to our lives, etc.

So, I don't want to go into a lot of details because I've already spent too many hours talking the ears off of friends over 9 years now, but I'm here because of the common situation of so many of you. I'm trying more and more to look at this like just an assemblage of variations of how limerence generally plays out: your "person" you meet by chance starts off as a friend, there are growing realizations, obstacles, ambivalence, mixed signals, then you slip over to a perception of a person's utter singularity or "magicalness" and a sense of their deep significance to your life. It's followed by some crisis point, where you confess or not (I chose not to), but either way it's too painful and you (or the other) starts attenuating the actual friendship / relationship.

Flash forward to years later, where you're still in contact, though superficially. Whenever they even give you a brief hello you feel a little twinge, but you're able to put it away. You might be social media friends, and find it not as hard as you used to when you see photos of them with their partner. You might be coupled up yourself and find it easier to cope. Sometimes they show up in dreams where you're trying to meet them, and that's hard, but you still shake it off.

But anyway, out of the blue last week, they post wedding and honeymoon photos of themselves, and you feel like dying. As usual you like the photos and act like everything's fine. You lose sleep and weight all over again, it's a heroic effort to focus at work, your significant life partner asks you what's wrong. For one reason or several, you don't feel like you can tell them.

So here I am.

One thing I've been writing in a journal about all week is, which I may share if I ever refine it, is the common experience of lack that seems to trigger these experiences. Maybe I'll share it if it's ever coherent. I have so many questions, though: how to handle yourself, confessing your feelings (to the LO or your SO), can the lack ever be filled, DO THESE STUPID DREAMS EVER GO AWAY etc....

Thanks so much to everyone, again, for writing these really helpful and A+ insightful posts. FWIW, know that somewhere in Canada, there is a guy sneaking off to a cafe at lunch time (where his colleagues don't go) for an hour of reading and thinking through your experiences. And is helped by them.

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FreeBird
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Re: Close to 8 or 9 yrs but mayyyybe getting over it?

Post by FreeBird » Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:36 pm

Welcome, Rocinante :)
Glad you're here and please know that sharing your story helps us as well.
LE has ended

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David
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Re: Close to 8 or 9 yrs but mayyyybe getting over it?

Post by David » Wed Jun 13, 2018 5:48 am

Glad you have found the sharing of other's experiences helpful RC.

I was laying in bed this morning thinking that 4 years of weekly contact didn't quell this condition, each sighting would keep adding just enough oxygen to keep the flame alive. Its only been 4 years of subsequent total oxygen starvation where the flame has been all but extinguished. No longer any euphoric recall, no longer any attached emotions, just a WTF, was that really me? :-o :-o
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Rocinante
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Re: Close to 8 or 9 yrs but mayyyybe getting over it?

Post by Rocinante » Thu Jun 14, 2018 4:36 am

Thanks both of you.

I might tell the story sometime, but I'm hoping this is a low-key recurrence, and I feel triggered by too much recall / replay, to be honest (as well as slightly embarrassed by the whole thing). My free time's really limited right now, and I'm trying to stay functional and not too-noticeably down (at work, with my SO, and family) by keeping this barrier between the present and the past. I mean it really is 8 or 9 years since I first met this person, and I don't have even regular contact, except occasional Instagram.

I've been reading and journalling a lot in the past few days to try to get to the bottom of it, but trying to take apart the feeling rather than dwelling on the person. I've been thinking about how this must all center in being dogged by lifelong self-esteem issues that originate in my FUFOO ("f'd up family of origin), that I thought I was over.

I think a common thread among my LO people (who I've had a few of over the years, starting in high school) is that they're not famous, but "self-esteem queens": not famous (like some people's LOs are), but brilliant, confident, self-assertive, funny and fun extroverts— at least on the outside. So I'm trying to treat the LO (and maybe previous LOs) as what they should be— the arrows that point me to what I need, not the need themselves. So I bought that David Burns book ("10 Days to Self Esteem") to get through over the next while & keep myself focussed. (I've never been able to afford regular access to a therapist to walk me through cognitive-behavioural therapy)

David, I get your oxygen metaphor quite well. I decided to set myself a timeout on Instagram (the only place I still "see" her)— posting only, no notifications, no scrolling / viewing for 30 days, no going to her account to "catch up" when I'm back on (which I don't do anyway, as that's just painful— I can only handle the drive-by like). I started thinking "what if I never went back to Instagram" and never even incidentally knew a single thing about what was happening in her life from this moment forward. It's sounding really appealing right now— it feels like just setting this goal clears the way to recognize what's not happy / working in my life, and is giving me the space / enthusiasm to change those things.

Thanks again for having & maintaining this forum. The thread about ADHD and limerence was fantastic, I kept returning to it today and re-reading it. (I'm recently diagnosed and have been reading about the condition a lot — man, I can see clearly how this way of being can really help set you up for limerent attractions).

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