New member

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
marko
Posts: 1112
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm

Re: New member

Post by marko » Tue Jan 09, 2018 7:34 pm

I'm sorry for your problems. My wife and I are pretty disastrous in our unraveling. I found out through this how my anxiety makes a relationship very impossible. I too don't want to talk about anything, anxiety makes you feel inadequate, turns you into yourself as your only source of safety--no wonder an attractive strong person, who validated me, caught all my attention. I wanted her, and I wanted to be her. Outgoing, bold, kick ass personality. Made for a mid life crisis, made me wonder why don't I care for most people and especially my wife. Her passive aggressive quietness is my worst enemy. Plays well into my self loathing and inability to be a person capable of this marriage. The eternal introspective self doctor Being able to dissect myself into what I am and do leaves me in an equally good and bad spot. This has been lifetime and pervasive personality disorder. If you can't judge me or admire me--I'm yours. Just posting this as some of the things that ail us can be tough to work on, especially if it's all we know.

Dreamer
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 8:56 am

Re: New member

Post by Dreamer » Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:52 am

I think you are right Marko, a big part of your LO is that they have the personal qualities you want for yourself. For me it's intelligence, a self-possesion and career success (none of which I have).
And it's hard in a marriage to keep that initial buzz afloat, you end up taking one another for granted and getting irritated with their bad qualities, which have always been there but you didn't notice at first. I think romance can't survive taking the weeks grocery shopping out of the car boot and hearing them clip their toe nails...
Imagine... If you did get together with your LO ultimately you would start getting irritated their bad qualities too! Which they are bound to have because everyone does.

Dejected
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri May 19, 2017 2:42 am

Re: New member

Post by Dejected » Sat Jan 13, 2018 6:58 pm

Hey Butter, welcome to the Forum. I can relate to your story - I have a similar issue with a work colleague as well. I have also not had these kinds of feelings since I was a teenager. I don't know if my story will help or not, but I've been dealing with this for a while.

I had a two-year minor (innocent) crush on my LO that morphed into a full-blown episode of limerence about 18 months ago. It started after the friendly vibes turned to sexual vibes (inappropriate physical compliments/staring at my ass/obvious stirs below the belt, LOL). Honestly, I was really flattered because I like him so much (he probably surmised this). I'll admit that I flirted with him too and liked the attention. After a few months of this, there was a mutual disclosure, of sorts. Nothing sexual ever happened between us (even though I really wanted it); honestly, if he had ever made a move, I probably wouldn't have had the willpower to say no (and probably still don't). Ever since the disclosure, I feel like we are playing mind games with each other, and dancing clumsily around the elephant in the room, which is getting old. We probably both feel rejected, or sad, maybe - because nothing can ever come out of this. We are both married with kids. I still continue to suffer with ridiculous anxiety, over-analyzing everything, re-hashing conversations in my head, looking for signs that he hates me now/loves someone else, inappropriate jealousy, etc. It's so fucking exhausting - and completely pointless.

So, anyway, this past Fall, I decided it was finally time to kill this thing. I kept telling myself that he was probably not a good person, a pathological liar, an opportunist, a womanizer (he loves to stare/comment on women in my presence - maybe to make me jealous???), and likely a malignant narcissist (that's probably wrong, of course, but I think this is my brain's attempt at protecting me from further destruction). But like any addict, you continue to seek out your fix, even though you know it isn't good for you.

I've found that my feelings peak and valley. When this thing first started 18 months ago, I felt like I was high 24 hours a day - literally floating on air. People around me noticed that I was glowing. Men started coming on to me in droves - at the grocery store, the airport, work, bars, restaurants, my kids' school; but that was no matter, I only had eyes (and still only have eyes) for LO. Anyway, the dopamine has definitely subsided drastically and I miss the feeling, though I still long for LO. Now I worry that I am falling into a depression due to my despair. Not sure how long your episode had lasted, but one thing to try is no or low contact. Another thing to try is to vilify them in your mind (which is difficult). I have a long-term plan (that he doesn't know about) to eventually phase out my interactions with him. I feel like this is the only way. I've tried everything else. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I need to protect myself.

I also know what you mean about the limerence amplifying disgust with the SO. My husband is very attractive (to most people) and successful. He's had his past indiscretions, but he loves me. He still desires me. We have regular sex (that he initiates). I love him too, but it's more like companionship - there is no lust. Having sex with him is more like masturbating (I know this sounds weird). Truth is, I'm just not attracted to him anymore. I don't think I ever was. Maybe my brain is rewriting history, but I don't think so. I don't ever remember looking at my husband and thinking, "Oh, whoa.....I want to jump him right now." Maybe I made a bad decision marrying someone that I wasn't really sexually attracted to, and now I have to live with it. Maybe that's true for a lot of us here. Maybe that's what makes us susceptible to this curse.

Hang in there.

Butter
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 11:42 am

Re: New member

Post by Butter » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:23 pm

Thanks for sharing. I have booked a counselling session (next Monday) to try and sort out my anxieties. I don't think the LO is a major factor here, I've come to realise that the problems with my SO have been around way before LO turned up. I want to get everything sorted in my head first, and then broach the subject of marriage guidance counselling with my SO. I have no idea how she will react, but I'll have to wait and see

MrSpock
Posts: 119
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm

Re: New member

Post by MrSpock » Mon Jan 15, 2018 11:20 pm

Hi Butter,

At this point in your LE my best advice is to have in mind that you can't trust your senses. You'll feel like crossing a door to go to that wonderful paradise beach that you see on the other side, but if you do cross it, you might very well end up free falling into a cliff, and you won't tell until you hit bottom.

If you are unhappy on your marriage, then work that out regardless of LO. If you think you're better off without her, then consider that it means being alone, not with LO or any other person. I think this is a general rule of thumb: never walk out of someone just to walk in somebody else. Figure out if you would be happier ALONE. If so, go ahead and be alone. Then, only then, and only after you've proved that you are really happier that way, consider starting a new relationship with LO or whoever.

An LE is a perfect wake-up call, but it can deceiving. See your feelings towards LO for what they really are: a cry out that something really needs to be fixed. Then figure it out and fix it, but don't just run to LO because she's just the messenger, and you won't get anything fixed by being with her in spite of how it feels.

townshend
Posts: 637
Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 2:19 am

Re: New member

Post by townshend » Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:57 pm

marko wrote:
Tue Jan 09, 2018 7:34 pm
I too don't want to talk about anything, anxiety makes you feel inadequate, turns you into yourself as your only source of safety--no wonder an attractive strong person, who validated me, caught all my attention. I wanted her, and I wanted to be her.
I described to my T the relief I got when just seeing LO at work, knowing he’s there and she mentioned it sounded like/if I felt a “sense of safety or security”..that never felt it exactly and it didn’t click then..until reading your line here. A good way to describe general anxiety too. I was reading one of the articles posted here on L, it mentioned euphoric anxiety which seemed an oxymoron but was defined as:

“Rather than think of euphoria in terms of positive emotions, it may be better to consider it the natural result of an absence of negative emotions. There are those that experience this rush of energy when an anxiety attack is over, or when they have a break from their anxiety. In some cases - although not necessarily common - the absence of anxiety can trigger this feeling of complete relief and happiness, as though you are ready to take on the world.“

Seems my life is one long, continuous panic attack with pockets of LO-triggered relief. :-bd
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

marko
Posts: 1112
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm

Re: New member

Post by marko » Mon Jan 22, 2018 6:24 pm

I generally feel a good sense from anxiety. It fires my fight mechanism. When I described this, the psych said bipolar. I can control the amount of euphoria from this and now see this as a perfect diagnosis for me. LE triggered it off the scale and depression would follow. Perhaps I trigger the better feelings to wash away the depression feelings. On the surface it's bi polar, but now I say no way. I didn't cycle like BP. I'm depressed because my anxiety drives me nuts. Much of the LE experience was anxiety euphoria. This also explains why I was pretty calm in her company. I was excited and talked fast, but the profuse palm sweating and rapid heart beat was anxiety. Dopamine and adrenaline mix. Not sure which I'm more addicted. I've always created a pleasant anxiety filled fantasy world, thanks for sharing that as it fills in what I do. Sometimes I can think I'm making it up to excuse my thoughts and behavior, knowing things exsist, like LE, allow one to face and take it on better. Some people become ill, and even throw up from anxiety, I knew it was anxiety, now i understand why I like it. Could do without the endless thinking and all the other negative bits. Most don't even notice, but I do hate groups and phone calls, well most communication with most everyone ;)

townshend
Posts: 637
Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 2:19 am

Re: New member

Post by townshend » Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:17 pm

Yeah and the article was saying how this dopamine trigger happens and then we come to expect it from them so we release adrenaline in anticipation of the dopamine hit, que your sweaty palms and my red face/heart palpitations x_x

But the adrenaline/dopamine thing seems intertwined in this, one in the same really. A combination of the rush of these chemicals and a Pavlovian “oh here it comes/is” thing makes them both O:-) I wonder if we can’t have one with out the other? Whether in general or after being in this pattern for so long.. I don’t get that anxious around him anymore, at least definitely not like before, but/and I also don’t get hits, like before, anymore either. It’s generally mellowed out. I imagine I couldn’t get the dopamine hit without the preceding adrenaline anxiety :-?
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

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