Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

The Détente.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
L-F
Posts: 1258
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: The Détente.

Post by L-F » Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:32 am

Big hugs Lisa...
Just breathe...

User avatar
LisaTranscending
Posts: 799
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Re: The Détente.

Post by LisaTranscending » Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:33 am

I suppose that sounds really terrible and selfish.

JohnDeux
Posts: 1705
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: The Détente.

Post by JohnDeux » Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:53 pm

LisaTranscending wrote:
Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:33 am
I suppose that sounds really terrible and selfish.
But I think self analysis *takes* that kind of self-focus for a while.....and I would dispute your comment farther up after the bubble burst that "we don't change". You are changed, Lisa, even now.....you are not the same person that was limerent and ga-ga eyed on Tribe-LE. I think you recognize that. That many of us take longer to make those realizations at times is just a part of the diversity of humanity. That's where acceptance comes in.

And compassion is always inside of there waiting to be resurrected. Diva daughter or not, you can always be there ready to offer that side of things if she begins to question her place in the world. This, too, will be a changed part of you that steps in to give her some help and advice.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

User avatar
LisaTranscending
Posts: 799
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Re: The Détente.

Post by LisaTranscending » Tue Jan 16, 2018 4:03 pm

there's another problem....which may even be the root cause of LE....that thing called: "expectation."

it's like wanting someone to say just the right thing or do just the right thing.....instead of just being themselves and who they actually are, we throw this expectation or dream this expectation of how it should feel great all the time. how the interaction with a certain person should have a certain flavor to it. but think about that....that takes away the joy of being in the moment with people. expectation is the antithesis of being in the moment.

last night I was totally myself too. maybe he accepts me. maybe he doesn't. (I'm pretty sure he does). my kid was being herself (sometimes it's hard to accept her when she gets really overbearing)....I correct it and try to keep her to mind some manner of manners....and being the headstrong teenager she is..doesn't always translate into politeness. but I have the expectation that at least the counseling towards it should alter a bit her behavior. (don't get me wrong overall she's a really great person) the teenage years can be difficult just with all the hormonal imbalances in their brains.


but...looking back at last night...he seemed really happy. and even my headstrong teenager seemed happy. what i was expecting was some Ozzie and Harriet family, closer to a perfection than our family actually is....argumentative...loud at times....opinionated....the glamorous word for it would be passionate. but sometimes it's a bit over the top.

but as a family....that's who we are. we fell more back into that last night. the previous holiday meetups were more stilted...more reserved. last night we went back to being ourselves.

did I like the careful holiday dinners when we were going out of our way to be overly polite more than last night's dinner? no. not really. I can accept who we are as a family and how we interact. I can keep my "expectations" out of it.

and the expectation of what I want to happen or not to happen out of my relationships in general. much of LO (ha John! ga-ga eyed) daydreaming was just that...dreaming. in real life we have bodies that feel aches and pains or coughs or whatever...but we imagine ourselves with LO in these perfect families (like how you described in your last post John that through your LO you have this expectation of merging with the family will bring you ultimate happiness) but families as we all know are rife with the politics of the family dynamic as well whatever any particular family dynamic is. no one escapes the politics of their own particular family.

I accept my ex-SO. I noticed he came dressed to impress. (he's usually a jeans/t-shirt man) last night he had on an expensive Italian black merino wool sweater with dress pants. ha! of course I noticed that the second he walked in the door.

I know even if he buys that farm back in Italy he will be here 9 months of the year to run his business. I know he really wanted to help out with fixing stuff around the house even and helping out with the kid. he was very generous about wanting to help me.

I know we are friends again. Romance...not so certain. the feelings i can't lie are probably underneath everything because I still find him attractive. I'm less afraid this morning than yesterday. but I don't want to ruin our friendship. I always admired him as a friend. my problems with the romance I suppose were those pesky expectations of what a lover should be like. but like David wrote...I have to take 100% responsibility for my lack of being a lover to him when I was daydreaming about LO. I'm afraid to start a romance with any man...(not just the man I divorced on CHRISTMAS DAY!) it's not even half into January and that would be absurd.

but... yes, John. I have changed. I'm just not sure how it translates into sanity!

Peanut
Posts: 49
Joined: Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:40 am

Re: The Détente.

Post by Peanut » Tue Jan 16, 2018 5:38 pm

Being friends is good for the children.

User avatar
LisaTranscending
Posts: 799
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Re: The Détente.

Post by LisaTranscending » Sun Jan 21, 2018 3:26 am

I worked so hard this year for my FREEDOM. I worked so hard for it even to wrangle myself from a godawful long LE that robbed me of myself.

I see your smile. I see your gifts you brought. I see you trying again to get close to me.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo....you can't have me. I love my FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEdom!



mamasita
Posts: 478
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Location: USA
Gender:
United States of America

Re: The Détente.

Post by mamasita » Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:40 pm

Congrats on your well-deserved FREEDOM! Free to do, or be, whoever you so chose, without judgment. :ymhug:

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest