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The Détente.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
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LisaTranscending
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The Détente.

Post by LisaTranscending » Mon Jan 15, 2018 5:14 pm

welllllll.............cough cough (literally my mild coldand my kid's turned into a raging flu)...

who has come to the rescue of this sick household.....not anyone other than ex-SO. so the kid texts dad that we need groceries. (that was Friday)
he comes over Friday. (very enthusiastically greets our dog) a First.

he brings all kinds of remedies. stays for tea.

says he will come back the next day and maybe cook us up a meal. another First.

comes back but we are too sick. has a cup of tea and says will try again tomorrow.

but during these visits....it's like that scene in beauty and the beast....something is happening between the two main characters in the form of a détente.

so much so....I went to bed crying last night thinking of how when he maybe is cooking I can apologize for my part in my erratic behavior and mishandling (yes...I admit I mishandled the whole drama). but...I don't berate myself for it since I felt completely rejected by him emotionally and as a support system when I lost my dearest friend crying and crying and him ignoring me and never even hugging me and just the years of taking each other for granted and not really cherishing our relationship.

that was all on the heels of a few years of massive miscommunication and estrangement on both our parts. that's when my LE kicked in.

reading other posters entries lately...I begin to understand that these resentments are really two-sided. each side feels the pain of rejection and handles it in the way most people handle....with prideful misery.

so this inability to cherish the relationship creates the vacuum for many a marrieds descent into limerence. and then when we have become THAT unconscious....all hope for understanding really goes out the window.

now here I am...on the brink of something that I'm not sure what it is or how I even feel about it. I have been reading Crushed and his SO's account of really burning the whole marriage to the ground to start anew and from the ashes....build a completely new relationship.

I just don't know if it's because I'm feeling sick and just want a hug or if either one of us are really ready for that kind of building.

well, dearest forum...I am afraid. there was hurt from both sides. there was pride from both sides. I also notice a kind of carefulness in each other's presence that was never there before. is this how people begin to understand what is important? I know the separation was so painful and I acknowledge this suffering was undoubtedly felt from both parties.

I burnt the whole thing to the ground. but what did I burn? what was there really to burn? we had long ago stopped appreciating each other. we had stopped understanding what is important about love and I believe we weren't really truly in love. I think we believed like most people that perhaps we were....but true love isn't so selfish as we had both been.

I take up my part of my selfishness. It seems he is willing to take up his. and yet all of this is unspoken. we are terrified to talk intimately about any of this I can see.

I'm afraid...because I don't know how to proceed. is it too soon for any apologies or intimacy. should I just be mellow and allow things to unfold very gently?

edit: one moment that sticks out in my mind...I went to put my hair up in a ponytail as we were talking...and he literally stopped talking and watched me and looked at my hair and smiled.

another edit: when I say "intimacy" I mean the apology. I think the apology itself is a form of intimacy.

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Spinnaker
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Re: The Détente.

Post by Spinnaker » Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:26 pm

Lisa, this made me cry. The part about putting your hair in a ponytail was just like a movie scene in my mind.

You express what you are going through so well. I appreciate hearing the details about it. Sounds like you are figuring this out.

Sending warm hugs and well wishes your way.

:ymhug:

PS Please don't say anything in return.... this thread is about you. On the subject of seeking the truth, please accept my apology for times when I'm snarky. I'm learning to understand my limitations and appreciate your patience. I think that I relate SO much to what you've been going through...feel too weak to move on and fear what the future holds. You are a beautiful soul. Hang in there.

*SO 8 feet away and doesn't even notice my tears. :(( I'll focus on what he does notice today. :-bd
"I'll become what I deserve".

Ben Howard

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LisaTranscending
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Re: The Détente.

Post by LisaTranscending » Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:27 pm

one other thing. I have no less than three cousins who have been unhappily married for years. and also a very good friend who split with her husband for a year (separate not divorced) who all tell me after real upsets and betrayals of trust, they took their husbands back too soon.

one cousin called me recently. that was it...she was done. the marriage is over. he is having another affair.

two weeks later...she is on facebook celebrating their marriage and wonderful relationship.

maybe those relationships really need to be de-toxed seriously with serious breaks for people to understand?


edit: what I'm most afraid of is resuming the old patterns of behavior. my friend after a year (her husband bringing her coffee every day crying and begging to be taken back which she said repulsed her and she thought was unmanly) but did take him back. within 3 months he was back to being very belittling to her again.

L-F
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Re: The Détente.

Post by L-F » Mon Jan 15, 2018 8:06 pm

If you remain conscious I highly doubt you will resume old patterns.

You've swallowed the red pill. There is no going back now.
No one is coming to save you.
This life is 100% your responsibility.

Anna
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Re: The Détente.

Post by Anna » Mon Jan 15, 2018 8:11 pm

I have a feeling that you are very vulnerable at the moment. Just be careful with whatever you do.... wishing you strength in finding the right way to deal with this.

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LisaTranscending
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Re: The Détente.

Post by LisaTranscending » Mon Jan 15, 2018 9:05 pm

Thanks Anna and LF. red pill...ha!

spin snarky? pffft.
Spinnaker wrote:
Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:26 pm
I'll focus on what he does notice today.
that I believe was one of my mistakes. and then if he didn't notice me ...then feeling hurt followed. maybe just notice that we are beautiful beings with so much self-love that radiates from our own sense of self worth that we don't have to look and wait for "what he notices today." and then feel sad or hurt because he didn't. that I think was my mistake too, Spin. it came from a place of neediness. if I can stand in my own skin...on these two feet WHICH I HAVE PROVEN I CAN....and respect myself...hopefully he is kind and smart enough to begin to respect me as well and we can teach each other to respect ourselves through kindness.

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Re: The Détente.

Post by JohnDeux » Mon Jan 15, 2018 10:03 pm

@L-F: "If you remain conscious I highly doubt you will resume old patterns."

@Anna: "I have a feeling that you are very vulnerable at the moment. Just be careful with whatever you do...."

@Spinnaker: "The part about putting your hair in a ponytail was just like a movie scene in my mind."

Both of the top comments I feel at operating here.... take it slow and measured and, just like learned in post-LE, if you fall down, dust self off and onward!

One note here with regard to the now famed "Ponytail scene" :D ........ Be careful here, because you don't know what his smile **means**. Until you were to actually ask him what he is thinking, it could at one end mean "Ah.....Lisa looks very nice and youthful today!". But alternatively the same smile could mean "Ah!....I see Lisa is trying on a new look....she must be meeting someone later!....". I'm not trying to be cutting or a party-pooper here....just pointing out a possible pitfall that may be a vulnerability to work on. And that vulnerability is to *assume* that you know what SO's/LO's intentions are with the glittering eyes and ear-to-ear smile. So I'm personally all for re-unifications....but with eyes at least wider open than before if possible. Hoping this leads to better interactions with you and ex-SO as you navigate that stage of your relationship, Lisa..... :)
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

L-F
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Re: The Détente.

Post by L-F » Mon Jan 15, 2018 10:50 pm

LisaTranscending wrote:
Mon Jan 15, 2018 9:05 pm

that I believe was one of my mistakes. and then if he didn't notice me ...then feeling hurt followed. maybe just notice that we are beautiful beings with so much self-love that radiates from our own sense of self worth that we don't have to look and wait for "what he notices today." and then feel sad or hurt because he didn't. that I think was my mistake too, Spin. it came from a place of neediness. if I can stand in my own skin...on these two feet WHICH I HAVE PROVEN I CAN....and respect myself...hopefully he is kind and smart enough to begin to respect me as well and we can teach each other to respect ourselves through kindness.
THIS!

It reminds me of a post I shared about a recent hike I did with SO. During that hike I had an aha moment..........

It is true 'be careful where you focus your attention'

Be AWARE of what you focus on.

Be AWARE of your awareness.

Be an observer of how you choose to see the world and your focus will sharpen while taking a broader view.

My focus could be on the negative traits or the positive. But wherever it was, was all I saw. I saw firsthand my focus point from afar. The same human being, nothing had changed, except I could see my focus. And what resulted was a completely different view.

Your words Lisa are known to me even though I have not lived them. They are like familiar pieces of cloth that was part of a cloak that covered me. Nothing feels new.

Perhaps I have heard these words before and vicariously lived them. Learnt from the experience of others. Nothing feels new. Not saying I know everything. I don't. But feel new? No. It reminds me of reading from the same book over and over again. Bizarre.

Hope that flu bug goes asap.
No one is coming to save you.
This life is 100% your responsibility.

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David
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Re: The Détente.

Post by David » Tue Jan 16, 2018 12:44 am

Our egos get in the way of ourselves. Perhaps its part of the spectrum most of us LE’s and other addicts exhibit, an inability to let go of our pride and take 100% responsibility for our role in fucking up the relationship?

I am learning it helps the more I acknowledge to SO my own victim playing, persecution and rescuing that I meeted out towards her.

Maybe time apart is allowing your SO space to reflect and appreciate whats hes loosing? No one can tell you how much time apart is needed, however If things are to have a chance one of you needs to break the impasse.

Cyberhugs to you Lisa, you deserve it.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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LisaTranscending
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Re: The Détente.

Post by LisaTranscending » Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:29 am

it's almost as if I don't know what to expect. of course the risotto was exquisite. (artichoke/mushroom) to perfection. there's no denying the skills of an Italian in the realm of cooking. =p~

and our daughter is actually an opera singer and much of the dinner revolved around HER ego and what SHE wanted. and I'm practically a slave to her and appreciative of her dedication (like having an Olympiad in your house at 5 am doing scales and voice exercises) as a musician I so admire her dedication...well...I put up with a lot of shit....too much in fact. i try to remind her about it....but...well...she's a teenager. my mom says it's more important to raise a kind and complicit kind of person....but...this diva...has that...but it's buried way deep in her ego and love of her own talent and voice. so what can I do? (please don't answer that) we should have a section on raising SANE children. (whilst in the midst of the insanity that is our own confusion) like divorce....and then reconciliation that feels too much like reconciliation on replay.

we drank too much. it wasn't romantic. I felt off my whatever it was i was trying to achieve in a relationship. and then I stopped myself and said, you know what.....you are parents in the end and you have this really strong-willed talented kid that will not just kill me...but I invited my ex-SO to help me in raising this DIVA!!!!!!! why should I die alone with this testa dura?

he seemed congenial enough about that. we fell into old patterns (even though I'm on the mend I had too much wine) that's how good the risotto was.
and he left...I don't know...comfortable. saying, "I'm going to return to Italy and buy a farm."

so that's that. the whole thing was anti-climatic. there wasn't any real connection in the sense that we were any different. isn't that funny....we can't be different...even after all the pain of separation...we fall so back into the patterns. (the kid was the biggest culprit in putting us there if I were to be totally honest)

feeling......not limerent about ex-SO. lol

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