Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

Checking in

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
Unsubscribed
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Nov 06, 2015 6:32 am

Checking in

Post by Unsubscribed » Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:17 pm

It is good to revisit the forum. I will search around in a bit to see if there's any old crew still active, from back in the day (2013).

I joined the tribe forum in late 2011, a year into an intense LE. My limerence as a whole has been dormant since early 2016, which is to say- I have the same LO, technically, and haven't transferred the projection to anyone else. But I'm recovered enough that it doesn't intrude on my thoughts more than once a week, and I can separate the thoughts attached to an older image from the actual person.

After four years of no contact, LO contacted me unexpectedly last October. It took five months for me to know that I was okay seeing him, but we did reconnect. In real life, we have become stable friends. The dynamic is unusual, as friendships go, mostly because we're both pretty weird people. But it's platonic and comfortable. Those of his attributes that used to trigger my limerence have a neutral effect now, and- fortunately- they turned out to be the least likeable aspects of his personality anyways.

So, my highly poetic answer to the prímum mystérium for the ages, "Can LO and I ever be friends?" turned out to be : If you are okay with being mildly annoyed by almost everything that initially convinced you that the two of you were soulmates, can fall in like with all the normal, mundane, human stuff that once only served to disappoint your god-like projection of them, and able to listen to their relationship troubles without having any inclination to fall into a religious meditation on the selfless martyrdom of your unreciprocated love, absolutely!

Recovery, otherwise, has been an onion. In that it tastes weird, makes me cry a lot, and the internet says it's good for me. Also, layers. Had you told me in 2013 that overcoming limerence would only be 5% of the mental health battle, I probably would have curled up into a tiny ball and refused to move ever again. My husband (who is wonderful) and I married in 2015. To make a long story short, the poltergeists of childhood trauma that spent my limerent years rattling their chains and making various other unsettling noises ceded, after the realities of making a lifelong commitment to another human being set in, to my very own super-secret, defensive phalanx of personal demons. And those mf'ers are armed. With spikey clubs. On fire.

Shit's been real, y'all:)

After a year of DBT work, though, and with plans to start a program for complex PTSD treatment, I'm finally getting down to the real dirt. And a realistic optimism. Which is such a novelty that sometimes I find myself turning it over in my mind like an indecipherable ancient carving. Then there are days when I would love to just have a hit of really strong, pure dissociation again. That stuff was amazing for my productivity:) But it's all about the process, and it's going forward.

All that said, I'm grateful this forum is still going for others. The journey is long, and having a safe starting place makes all the difference.

JohnDeux
Posts: 1819
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Checking in

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Oct 11, 2017 9:30 pm

LaurenTwo wrote:
Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:17 pm
To make a long story short, the poltergeists of childhood trauma that spent my limerent years rattling their chains and making various other unsettling noises ceded, after the realities of making a lifelong commitment to another human being set in, to my very own super-secret, defensive phalanx of personal demons. And those mf'ers are armed. With spikey clubs. On fire.
WOW!....So great to hear from you Lauren2!!!!!

Of course......I'm intrigued. Who exactly are the " super-secret, defensive phalanx of personal demons."??? Are these to be considered personal demons counter to that (or them?) that was driving the LE? In my own case, recovery has been a slow, steady process that did not seem to be undergirded by minions of protectors. Would you liken them almost to 'alters', DID-style, or something else? Am I misinterpreting these lines altogether?

Great to hear the the LTR is on solid footing at this point and that you have found a way to remain friends with your ex-LO. Congrats!....and fantastic to have your account here to help with "the cause".
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 2993
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Contact:
Great Britain

Re: Checking in

Post by David » Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:37 pm

Great to read your update L2.

Yep, limerence is only a small percentage of our issues - the mother of all distractions.

Im still here, tending the site -otherwise, i suspect my involvement with L would be less - although i see a fair bit of it in our couples work.

As for LO - also an occasional thought of what she might be up to, nothing intrusive though and sometimes wondered how I would be if our paths crossed.

Safe onward travels

David (AKA Chris)
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

AMA210
Posts: 1900
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Checking in

Post by AMA210 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:50 am

@LaurenTwo: "So, my highly poetic answer to the prímum mystérium for the ages, "Can LO and I ever be friends?" turned out to be : If you are okay with being mildly annoyed by almost everything that initially convinced you that the two of you were soulmates, can fall in like with all the normal, mundane, human stuff that once only served to disappoint your god-like projection of them, and able to listen to their relationship troubles without having any inclination to fall into a religious meditation on the selfless martyrdom of your unreciprocated love, absolutely!"

WOW....that would be very cool.
And who is this David (aka Chris)?
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

User avatar
LisaTranscending
Posts: 850
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Re: Checking in

Post by LisaTranscending » Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:08 am

Back in the day in da house! How far we have come these years...and how far to go? Great big hello. Still admire your gift for expressing the inexpressible. Hope you submit more insights on this leg of the journey

User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 2993
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Contact:
Great Britain

Re: Checking in

Post by David » Thu Oct 12, 2017 7:11 am

AMA210 wrote:
Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:50 am
And who is this David (aka Chris)?
Chris was my pseudonym on the old tribe forum. In the days of shame bound hiding.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

AMA210
Posts: 1900
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Checking in

Post by AMA210 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:43 pm

Of course it was. Damn LO. /:)
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

Unsubscribed
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Nov 06, 2015 6:32 am

Re: Checking in

Post by Unsubscribed » Fri Oct 13, 2017 3:33 am

Hi David and Lisa:)

Good to hear from you! Glad you are here. I'm interested to know where all this is going, too. If there's anything that seems helpful, specifically, I'll keep sharing. But now seems like a better time to be an adjunct assistant "guide." I remember very clearly how treacherous the first (mumble, mumble) years of limerence were. Time to pay it forward.

Unsubscribed
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Nov 06, 2015 6:32 am

Re: Checking in

Post by Unsubscribed » Fri Oct 13, 2017 4:10 am

JohnDeux,

Somehow my initial reply to you got lost between hitting submit and the page refreshing. So, I'll summarize. First- it's great to hear from you:) I'm glad you're still helping hold down the fort. And I'm sure many others are, too.

Second, while I would wish everyone in recovery, Oprah-like, their very own band of benevolent demon mercenaries (You get a benevolent demon phalanx! And you get a benevolent demon phalanx!), such was not my experience either.

By poltergeists, I was roughly referring to the awareness, while I was bat-shit crazy, that there was deeper stuff I was not addressing. But the bat-shit crazy stuff was weirding me so much enough at the time that I really didn't think anything that was already "over," could possibly compete with it for difficulty. Ah, the folly of youth.

By demon phalanx with spikey clubs on fire, I meant the stuff that never really got "repressed" per se, but that made emotional lockdown seem like a pretty good idea when I was young, and that I spent most of the ensuing years building an entirely new "false front" emotional life on top of. Like Ercolano over Herculaneum: A well-preserved city wrapped in a pyroclastic flow inside the trenchable earth of an 18th-century land patent. (Sorry, Wikipedia did not help much with the metaphors.)

But building a life worth living means being able to stay vulnerable in friendships and relationships, and doing that means confronting the destruction. Which has been... super not fun. That said- It's gotten and is getting a lot better, bit by bit. At the same time, no one really wants to be the person in yoga class who bursts out crying all the time because she's in her feelings. Or the wife who suddenly gets a mini-panic attack after an intense therapy session when her husband casually puts his hand on her shoulder. I just keep reminding myself that all this, the good and the bad, is the healthiest I've been in about 30 years, and that I know- as I've known very few things- will keep improving from here. :-bd

kenophobia
Posts: 63
Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 3:01 pm

Re: Checking in

Post by kenophobia » Fri Oct 13, 2017 11:40 am

David wrote:
Thu Oct 12, 2017 7:11 am
AMA210 wrote:
Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:50 am
And who is this David (aka Chris)?
Chris was my pseudonym on the old tribe forum. In the days of shame bound hiding.
Well done on your growth!
Last edited by kenophobia on Sat Oct 14, 2017 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest