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We can recover and grow from limerence.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
Aquilo1049
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Re: My journey and lessons from limerence

Post by Aquilo1049 » Tue Mar 10, 2015 10:13 am

peanutbutter wrote:Well David, I guess I have to thank your LO as well. If you never met her, or experienced limerence, perhaps there would not be this wonderful forum? I am grateful for the help you have provided to my fellow Limerents and myself. There are few people that can understand the depth of emotions experienced through limerence. It is not easy. I am happy you have fought the Limberbeast and are able to guide the rest of us through our journeys. I wish you continued success with this!:)
Nicely said PB. David, your updates are incredibly valuable. As you know I am following your recovery as a steer in the right direction for mine, with the help of my therapist (who does not know about limerence). Having compassion for those who enter affairs and understanding why they do is so important. Telling someone to man up and go nc without any support Is far from helpful. I believe limerence is present in most if not all affairs. Whether one will consummate such a relationship depends on the individual and perhaps indicates certain traits that need to be addressed specifically in therapy etc.

And on that note I'd better go see my therapist!

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Re: My journey and lessons from limerence

Post by David » Wed Mar 11, 2015 5:39 am

peanutbutter wrote:Well David, I guess I have to thank your LO as well. If you never met her, or experienced limerence, perhaps there would not be this wonderful forum?
I have immense gratitude towards LO. She has been my biggest teacher for sure in my middle passage (psychologically, not anatomically although in the turmoil of my own LE I would have preferred the later). As is said "when we are ready, the teacher will appear".

I used to reflect on how our paths crossed. I never had any desire to train as a psychotherapist, just a colleague I employed and was paying for his therapy came back one day and said his therapist ( the same as mine) was so impressed with him she said he should train as one. Being competitive, i called the college and got an interview and was accepted on the same course, but a year ahead due to my medical credentials. It was pure ego on my part so i could turn round and say "fuck you, I am better than you".

LO had a unique and rare combination of attributes that keyed into my own scripts and archaic wounds at such a profound level. This was set against my own perfect storm with my own life crisis when we met. I still wonder about the odds of the confluence of all these events occurring just at the right moment when i was feeling so vulnerable. Same goes for how I met SO 30 years ago. Had i gone to the toilet 5 seconds earlier or later our paths would never have crossed. All part of the human mystery.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Aquilo1049
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Re: My journey and lessons from limerence

Post by Aquilo1049 » Wed Mar 11, 2015 9:27 am

David wrote:LO had a unique and rare combination of attributes that keyed into my own scripts and archaic wounds at such a profound level. This was set against my own perfect storm with my own life crisis when we met. I still wonder about the odds of the confluence of all these events occurring just at the right moment when i was feeling so vulnerable. Same goes for how I met SO 30 years ago. Had i gone to the toilet 5 seconds earlier or later our paths would never have crossed. All part of the human mystery.
I love your honesty in your post David (I am saving your other new posts for later) and the quote above sums things up nicely. What happens when we are vulnerable and how do we act when we are vulnerable is a good one to look at. Confluence I prescribe to. I do believe we all have lessons to learn in life. I might even push the boat out and say that those of us "fortunate" :roll: (I know) to go through a LE are given a great challenge in life indeed. Not all of us will want to take it up. Perhaps it might come back in another life if we reject the opportunity in this one.
David, how you met your wife sounds intriguing :D Funny how things happen that way.

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Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by JohnDeux » Sun Jun 14, 2015 9:57 pm

@Joanna: " It was difficult for me to accept this fact as I am only a woman and wanted to think of our LE romantically. Things have changed now."

Joanna, thank you for this very encouraging post....really glad that you stayed around here to provide this update. It is encouraging to me personally and hopefully to others who are still in the midst of the limerent fog to hear stories from those coming out the other side. I just need to ask what you meant by saying "I am only a woman"..?? Do you mean as compared to your LO who is a psychologist?
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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Re: there is hope

Post by David » Mon Jun 15, 2015 7:30 am

Joanna wrote: What an incredible journey. Hard to believe this has "really" happened to me!!.
Beautiful update and i'm fascinated your LO was a psychologist too.

ditto, i feel blessed for the experience. To know this forum can helps others makes me feel good so yes im still a codependent at heart but a more conscious one :lol: :lol:
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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7 months of NC

Post by David » Wed Jun 24, 2015 7:11 am

7 months of total NC have passed. Something has shifted in me over the past couple of weeks where i feel limerence (and all romantic love) with such clarity - it's just me reenacting my "parental rescue fantasy". All limerent feelings have evaporated. I also feel more secure in my primary relationship.

I think what helped me integrate a knowing into a feeling was some work i did at a workshop on isolation. I reenacted my last conversation with LO with a woman on the workshop. I made an aggressive angry remark. the last conversation with LO was similar, me telling her why we can't be friends by using aggressive angry words. By seeing the impact of my words on someone else helped me see things from a different perspective. It brought up a lot of shame for me and i saw so clearly how i dissociate when confronted (as i did as a child). I was forced to sit through the workshop with these overwhelming feelings and process them. Somehow all this helped integrate something. One of the bigger cogs in my brain turned a little and freed something up.

Ive also been reading more around complex trauma, child abuse and separating from parents and FOO's. This is helping me feel the anger and resentment towards my parents. In the workshop, i read out a letter my mother wrote to me when i reached out to her 15 years ago. It was good to have my hunch validated by others about her behaviour. She was a bully and an abuser. And my dad was equally guilty for not protecting me when he knew what was going on. I haven't seen either parent for a couple of months now and that's helping me see feel more clearly. My infrequent telephone conversations with my dad are all kept at a head level with no revealing of my feelings. My mother's brain has turned into a marshmallow so i don't have to speak with her.

As for the limerence, its gone totally. I don't think of LO at all. I don't get any euphoric recall. I can speak to SO about my limerence without getting any emotional charge. I tell others im a love addict without feeling any shame. The only thing i am curious about is i'm still triggered by the car LO drives. I suspect if LO hasn't developed any consciousness around her need to get narcissistic supply from our "relationship" she may still trigger me so NC will continue.

As an aside, i've had a couple of friends who are caught up in relationships with narcissists that they can't let go of. Neither want to hear that NC is the best way to start on the road to healing. It frustrates me as both have done a ton of self development work. I do think we all need to go through the experience in our own way and our own time. It teaches me comparison to walk alongside them as they make their own mistakes and go through the turmoil we all know so well.

It intrigues me as to how few people get what romantic love is all about. Hollywood and the music industry (and others) has done a good job to dupe an entire planet.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by bhicks » Wed Jun 24, 2015 9:16 pm

Thank you David for the update, I am so happy to hear about your healing at the workshop, and the continued progress, with your LE gone totally. :D My LO was gone on vacation for the last week and a half, and it was a relief, I did not think about her at all, maybe just literally a few times, but thats when I was deliberately thinking about my current life situation. NC, I am totally looking forward too. My LO is apparently no more conscious than 8 years ago, it seems.

I'm also glad to hear that part of the healing revolved around you seeing your part in things. That seems to be the key as well, being present to process and integrate the feelings, which the Presence Process is helping me with.

RE: Mother and FOO, Im currently reading Macklers book, and it is giving me much to think about.

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Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by David » Wed Jul 08, 2015 7:02 am

David wrote: As for the limerence, its gone totally. I don't think of LO at all. I don't get any euphoric recall.
Time for another brief update - i spoke too soon :lol: I staffed on a ManKind Project weekend a couple of weeks ago and my continued NC with my FOO and intentional abstinence from sex is allowing my attachment wounds to become even more apparent. I see this as a good thing as the more i connect with these wounds, the more healing can take place. It comes at a small price though as i've noticed a few thoughts of LO re-enter my mind. No euphoric recall though, just think of her in a fond way. I did consider un blocking her from my FB account, before common sense took over. Its been about 8 months of total NC. I see more and more the direct correlation between my vulnerability, my attachment scabs coming off and my limerence (my got-to addiction of choice). Given love addiction is at the root of all other addictions, it makes sense that my previous addictions of work and money are no longer working for me and limerence for sure is losing its grip. I do think the only way to sort our addictions is to explore the origins, in most cases being the weak attachments. And grief work is the only way to heal these wounds.

I've been reading up on Adult children of alcoholics and addicts. I never thought of my parents as addicts but they are. My mother was a rageaholic and my dad a functional alcoholic. I've been in denial about this till recently. Every trait of an ACoA applies to me. I blame my parents for my limerence and other struggles. Ive a long way to go to reach acceptance and find compassion for them. Its held me back in my relationships and my businesses. Ive talked to SO about how i feel, she gets it and supports my continued NC with my FOO. My dad and sisters are sickenly enmeshed.

Interestingly SO has just got a voluntary placement at an addiction clinic. She's more fearful of starting here than the hospice work she does as a soul midwife / psychopomp. I pointed out she has the best experience, living with an addict for the best part of 30 years.

As i let go of control and trust things will work out, so they are. That's an interesting experience.

Is this an easy path i choose to walk? No and yet i feel its worth it. I feel like im finally growing up and moving into my balanced masculine. My FOO hate my growth as it exposes the sham my family is. I still have loads more work to do, always will do.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by Dazza » Wed Jul 08, 2015 10:53 am

David wrote:
David wrote: As for the limerence, its gone totally. I don't think of LO at all. I don't get any euphoric recall.
Time for another brief update - i spoke too soon :lol: I staffed on a ManKind Project weekend a couple of weeks ago and my continued NC with my FOO and intentional abstinence from sex is allowing my attachment wounds to become even more apparent. I see this as a good thing as the more i connect with these wounds, the more healing can take place. It comes at a small price though as i've noticed a few thoughts of LO re-enter my mind. No euphoric recall though, just think of her in a fond way. I did consider un blocking her from my FB account, before common sense took over. Its been about 8 months of total NC. I see more and more the direct correlation between my vulnerability, my attachment scabs coming off and my limerence (my got-to addiction of choice). Given love addiction is at the root of all other addictions, it makes sense that my previous addictions of work and money are no longer working for me and limerence for sure is losing its grip. I do think the only way to sort our addictions is to explore the origins, in most cases being the weak attachments. And grief work is the only way to heal these wounds.

I've been reading up on Adult children of alcoholics and addicts. I never thought of my parents as addicts but they are. My mother was a rageaholic and my dad a functional alcoholic. I've been in denial about this till recently. Every trait of an ACoA applies to me. I blame my parents for my limerence and other struggles. Ive a long way to go to reach acceptance and find compassion for them. Its held me back in my relationships and my businesses. Ive talked to SO about how i feel, she gets it and supports my continued NC with my FOO. My dad and sisters are sickenly enmeshed.

Interestingly SO has just got a voluntary placement at an addiction clinic. She's more fearful of starting here than the hospice work she does as a soul midwife / psychopomp. I pointed out she has the best experience, living with an addict for the best part of 30 years.

As i let go of control and trust things will work out, so they are. That's an interesting experience.

Is this an easy path i choose to walk? No and yet i feel its worth it. I feel like im finally growing up and moving into my balanced masculine. My FOO hate my growth as it exposes the sham my family is. I still have loads more work to do, always will do.
Nice one David - your growth can, I think, be an inspiration to many of us.

WIll get cracking on one of my own limerence tales later on and would appreciate your feedback greatly.

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Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by bhicks » Sat Jul 18, 2015 4:15 am

Just catching up on the posts here due to an absence.

Great stuff David. Keep us posted! Great that your SO does psychopomp too :-) Im finally getting my PIT training through my igroup , which is making me realize what I have been missing!

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