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We can recover and grow from limerence.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
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David
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We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by David » Sun Feb 23, 2014 3:34 pm

Just over 3 years on I can say that im pretty much over my limerence. whilst my LO may occasionally enter my mind, the thoughts of her are not intrusive, just pleasant memories. I now think "did that really happen to me?" , "did i really feel those insane feelings for a woman i knew nothing about?" "did i really want my SO dead so i could run off with a fantasy figure?". I do know it wasn't a dream and yes i really did experience limerence.

I'd say its one of the toughest things i had to deal with - im not sure if it was the limerence per se, or the associated depression and grieving that limerence triggered that i found so painful to work through.

Perhaps my healing was just a question of time until the neuro-chemicals subsided or perhaps it was all the heavy lifting I did to strengthen my ego and loosen the bonds of dependency. Likely a combination of both. When it first kicked off, i never thought it would take the best part of 3 years - the upper limit as suggested by Tenov. Perhaps the time taken to heal is a measure of the dysfunction we grew up with?

And yet despite all the pain, i have no regrets developing limerence. Here are some of the positives that have come out from this:
  • It was one massive wake up call for me to reconnect to my feelings
    It created a much needed spiritual awakening
    It forced my SO commit to the MC we had been in when my limerence struck. We've learned to communicate far more healthily and authentically
    Ive healed from my co-dependent traits
    Im closer to my parents than ever before - time is running out for all of us (it has in a way for my mum with her dementia) and making a trip back to Auschwitz with my dad on the March of the Living in a couple of months is something i thought would never happen - thats another necessary huge part of my healing
    The experience has made me a more empathetic therapist. Ill never judge anyone that has an affair
    Its given me a keen interest in relationships and love addiction - something i can take into my clinical practice
    Its helped me understand objectification and reduce the amount I do when it comes to woman - but im still a man and far from perfect.
I sometimes wonder if i may always be prone to developing attachments too quickly with woman i find attractive and have now learned how to remain boundaried around such triggers. No different i suppose than any other addict around their potion of choice. Time will tell.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Re: What's a success story?

Post by Lady GG » Sat May 24, 2014 1:10 am

David--this sounds like an authentic request for her help in ridding the projections, and not fishing to land her as a romantic partner. I hope she does not stonewall you out of fear or annoyance. Best wishes,
Lady GG

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Re: Update

Post by audra » Sat May 24, 2014 8:42 am

David wrote:Ive penned a lengthy reply to her about my ongoing projections onto her and would she consider joining me in a joint session with a college facilitator to help me work on my projections?
Hi David

What are the ongoing projections? How would a LO be able to help with this?

A.
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

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Re: Update

Post by DaveBB » Sat May 24, 2014 11:20 am

audra wrote:
David wrote:Ive penned a lengthy reply to her about my ongoing projections onto her and would she consider joining me in a joint session with a college facilitator to help me work on my projections?
Hi David

What are the ongoing projections? How would a LO be able to help with this?

A.
Hi David, I'm curious to know too. I'd like to know more about projecting, maybe I've misunderstood it these past months? I thought my LO's apparent problems were simply down to me projecting my own onto her, when suddenly this week I've had the blinding realisation that throughout my LE what I've been seeing from her was actually the 'real' her and we do indeed have very similar wounded souls. Do you believe you're projecting your issues onto her? I'll be very interested to know the outcome of your request to her. Good Luck!

Dave

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Re: Radio silence

Post by DaveBB » Sat May 24, 2014 5:21 pm

David wrote: Re the projections, I'm projected onto her exactly how i was in relationship with my mother, never knowing where i stood one moment to the next and trying to seek reassurance that i was loved. I was constantly trying to second guess my mother and we all know limerence is about trying to second guess our LO's.
Ah thank you, I understand now, and what you've been doing is exactly what I've been doing with my LO, although in my case I didn't realise it until I was discussing this with my therapist. Although it was mostly subconscious for me at the time, I realise now that I was forever second-guessing my mother's moods and wondering if she would give me love and validation. It's probably been the same for me with all my LOs, although what will happen now I'm suddenly starting to understand much better my current LO I don't know, but I urgently need to find a cure from my therapist before I start projecting onto someone else.

I can empathise with your feelings now while the 'radio silence' continues, I know I would be ruminating like hell (I'm now very sure my LO is an avoidant too). However I think these days I would be more optimistic, maybe thinking she's just very busy right now and that when the response comes it will be positive. Hope she gets in touch very soon!

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Re: Radio silence

Post by audra » Sat May 24, 2014 10:47 pm

DaveBB wrote:
David wrote: Re the projections, I'm projected onto her exactly how i was in relationship with my mother, never knowing where i stood one moment to the next and trying to seek reassurance that i was loved. I was constantly trying to second guess my mother and we all know limerence is about trying to second guess our LO's.
Ah thank you, I understand now, and what you've been doing is exactly what I've been doing with my LO, although in my case I didn't realise it until I was discussing this with my therapist. Although it was mostly subconscious for me at the time, I realise now that I was forever second-guessing my mother's moods and wondering if she would give me love and validation.
I guess I could say I never seemed to know where I stood with my mother. My father and I were close but my mother was very independent, always busy, either working, doing projects, seeing friends, sewing, reading the newspaper, going out, her life was a whirlwind. My sister and I talk about our childhood, the family played hockey, we had backyard BBQ's with lots of visitors, vege garden complete with raspberry patch, grandparents at the beach, friends and neighbors. With two parents working life was chaotic, even in the midst of battle or freeze out it was basically a happy household but mum was permanently preoccupied. I'd be included in activities but no one on one time with her. Love was a given but I craved attention, if I was making Barbie a new dress I wanted her to look at it and take a little interest. It's the little things that make the difference. I show love by giving attention, my LO gave me attention in the beginning which won me. I guess it contrasted against the lack of attention from my mum and my exSO. I was open to falling in love but not just by any one. For me the story is intertwined with fate and astrology. I am intuitive and strongly felt feelings between LO and myself were mutual, we share Karmic, soulmate and love astrological aspects. I knew he loved me and it felt like we fitted, when he looked me it felt right. What I needed was more personal that that.
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

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Re: What's a success story?

Post by David » Wed Oct 29, 2014 1:12 pm

Since starting this thread a few months ago, a few interesting developments have taken place.

6 months ago LO noticed my absence from a couple of lectures. I broke LC and we had a few brief email exchanges and then a longer chat with her about what was she wanting? Amongst other things she was envious of my close platonic friendship with another woman on our course and couldn't understand why we couldnt have a similar "intimate" friendship. I took this to therapy, my therapist was of the view that LO was playing games (see the drama triangle) and showed little respect for me and my struggle with limerence. T also felt being friends with LO was going to damage my marriage. I emailed back LO saying until we both looked at who was projecting what in a joint therapy session, it was best if we respect each other's boundaries. I think that was one of the toughest emails ive sent.

A month ago LO vented her fury at me in a group setting in not getting her own way - i was expecting her narcissistic rage to erupt at some point so was prepared for the outburst. I spoke with her after (in hindsight i should have just given her a wide berth but was sucked back into her drama) and told her in no uncertain terms that my sexual desires towards her were going to get in the way of any friendship. I also fed back how i saw her narcissistic traits and manipulation as mirroring my own shadow. I again offered that we explore what went on between us in a joint therapy session but she again declined. SO also said there were going to be consequences if i was to see LO outside of our course and being friends with LO was not going to happen.

So there we go. Looks like friendship in this life is just not going to happen anytime soon, despite LO wanting that, me still wanting more and still getting sucked so easily back into LO's drama. Perhaps if LO was prepared to look at her own unconscious processes around her desire to be friends with me, and we could could work through some of the projections and transference / countertransference things could be different - but then again maybe thats my limerbrain getting reactivated?

Letting go of the fantasy with grace, love and compassion is the lesson here for me. We each have to find our own way to the top of the mountain. I quoted this Hindu proverb in my blog and it applies to where im at:

"There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading in the same direction, so it doesn't matter which path you take. The only one wasting time is the one who runs around and around the mountain, telling everyone else that their path is wrong."
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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The final conversation with my LO

Post by David » Wed Nov 19, 2014 9:50 pm

College has finished, Limerence started in the second week of my course and stayed with me throughout my training. I find it hard to believe 4 years have passed.

My peers are holding a celebration party in a few weeks, one last chance to say goodbye. I've decided not to go. I said my most significant goodbye to LO at college last week. I said I hope there were no bad feelings, we chatted about a few things, her still not wanting to explore her "contribution" to my limerence, her anger at a comment i made to her a few weeks back when we had an angry exchange, she then asked about my SO. We then hugged and as she departed she looked around and said "you could have said you wanted to make love to me instead of saying you wanted to fuck me". I think they are good words to finish on as they leave me with so many unanswered questions.

It never mattered what she felt about me, as this was all about me, my growth, my journey through the dark night of the soul. She was my greatest teacher over the past 4 years, words i fed back to her.

I feel lighter since that conversation over a week ago. She's rarely entered my thoughts over the past week and when she does, the euphoric recall has gone. I see her as a damaged soul that never found the ability to have an honest conversation with me. The game playing continued right to her parting comments. SOP (Standard Operating Proceeders) for a narc.

As we've been told many times at college, we get the clients we need or perhaps deserve. Perhaps one day she'll realise how her flirting was getting her transient ego strokes at my expense?

I think ill be a better therapist for my limerence experience and hopefully can pass on my own learnings to others that sit across me in confusion and turmoil.

I sometimes think back and wonder "did that really happen to me?"

And ive just noticed,this is my 300th post since setting up this site.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Re: My journey and lessons from limerence

Post by peanutbutter » Thu Nov 20, 2014 2:33 am

Well David, I guess I have to thank your LO as well. If you never met her, or experienced limerence, perhaps there would not be this wonderful forum? I am grateful for the help you have provided to my fellow Limerents and myself. There are few people that can understand the depth of emotions experienced through limerence. It is not easy. I am happy you have fought the Limberbeast and are able to guide the rest of us through our journeys. I wish you continued success with this!:)

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there is hope

Post by David » Tue Mar 10, 2015 5:16 am

Well 4 months have now passed since i last saw LO. Things are moving on nicely, and i can now reflect back and see what a huge learning experience limerence has been. Whilst LO may enter my thoughts occasionally, there is little to no emotional charge attached to the thoughts, just a "did that really happen to me???" I just returned from a mankind project (MKP) weekend and noticed how i can talk about my limerence with no shame and hope telling my story help others. I used to tell my story as it helped me reconnect with the euphoria, now its just to shows others I struggle just the same as everyone else. I did notice at the weekend that I was with an open heart and feeling my vulnerability. Sitting in a circle of men all sharing their deepest pain creates an amazing safe container and one where i felt connected and accepted by other men. I think its not until men get fully connected to their healthy masculine energy that they can embrace the feminine within them.

I now have a passion for helping others struggling in relationship and am going to do some further training in couples counselling with SO who is shortly finishing her training as a psychotherapist. Im also gravitating towards men's issues and am starting a men's group through MKP.

So i believe Tenov missed a fourth way of resolving limerence - that of going through the eye of the storm. I was hoping that because my LO was a psychotherapy student this would help me understand my own inner journey. I used that as a reason to disclose multiple times. I learnt that this is not necessary, we can do this work on our own and perhaps we have to do this work on our own and don't need our LO's input. They are just the catalyst, the jack hammer to crack open the reinforced concrete us limerents protect our hearts with. So as for disclosure, i dont think its necessary, we have to accept we may never know how our LO's feel about us and thats OK.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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