This could apply to me as well. Maybe it's too soon, but I have no guilt or regret that I told him what I did. LO's problem was that he didn't say no. I had to tell him to say no to me. He knowingly and willingly crossed lines. I wonder if he even knew that he was in affair. I like to give him credit for calling the cops, but I think it was the principal, not wanting to witness another school family torn apart by infidelity.movingon wrote: ↑Sat May 06, 2017 8:19 pmThat's great Spinnaker.
I do think you shouldn't feel guilty for pushing your feelings onto him and trying to get this "faithful" man to become unfaithful.
He is a grown-up man. He makes his own decisions. He can say "no" to an affair if he doesn't want it what he obviously did.
So don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. You were just limerent and couldn't help your feelings and actions.
Be proud of yourself that you have come such a long way.
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LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home
"Always moving forward"
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getting sucked in by the same LO, or finding a new one, isn't that still getting sucked in by an LO? it's still an outside event (relative to a linear time factor) seemingly causing the inside event of suffering. the suffering is the same outcome, be it a new LO, an old LO, or a future LO. and the suffering is always about wanting something that we don't have. (or wanting to get rid of what we do have that we don't like.)
we seem convinced that the LO is the responsible factor for all this wanting and not wanting, when it's these untrustworthy emotions that convince us to go seeking in the first place. but why would I ever beat myself up about that if I'm hardwired to behave this way. the best I can do is figure out a way to live with these hijackings in the most humane way possible with myself. Spinnaker would never condemn a single person in here for a hijacking, why should Spinnaker condemn Spinnaker?
the whole point I am trying to make rather dreadfully and stubbornly even, is what we keep getting sucked into is our desire for emotion. that is the underlying root cause of all our seeking and wanting. I am no different than anyone here, I'm just as vulnerable to these behaviors as anyone else. If I'm fully aware about this tendency however, I should be equipped to never have an LO again. and if this is true, I should be just as equipped to eradicate any hijacking of emotions with any current LO. shouldn't that be a fixed truth about controlling self-defeating behaviors once I recognize the habit and pattern of my emotional self-defeating behaviors?
well if that were true, no one would ever gain weight after going on a strict diet.
so why should I trust my own mind when it's proven to ignore what's good and beneficial for me and will at times reach for stuff that makes me suffer? no amount of healing in the world will stop this hardwired tendency of human beings to fall down and make mistakes with regards to our desires.
I dunno... I think we have to own up to those parts of ourselves to heal. that doesn't mean we can't have compassion for ourselves when we do fall down. but what can we do mentally to prevent these moments of weakness? is there anything even?
science says walking away from the pull of desire weakens our mental resolve. that's why when people do those weird diets, the second they get off them they eat all the things they couldn't when they were on them. how does a person who battles that sort of pull ever stay at a healthy weight when everywhere you turn are temptations?
everyone has a certain turn to temptation to self medicate. ours happens to be the fantasy that another human being can make life painless.
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