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- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am
(just b/c i always reply to myself doesn't mean i don't value others' input. lol. so feel free to make your personal comparisions etc...)
- being tied to the past, and especially specific moments etc..(replaying etc. basically)
+ voluntary and comprehensive connection/referal to the past with way less sticky zoom in and outs.
- self soothing thru LO- memories, emails, pics etc..
+ self soothing thru rest, music etc.., absorption in abstract/novel thoughts etc...(eg. history/politics, wars, stories etc.),
- chagrin, melancholic etc.. associated w/ LO thoughts.
+ curiousity/ cold- analysis/ indifference and sometimes indignation/*aversion* (when i feel my self-control robbed).
(i can't deny existence of trace quantities of the former but i'll just say i have my eyes on them...)
- i'm afraid gushiness, awkwardness etc.. are behaviours i can not measure b/c of circumstantial NC, owing to lack of constant contact and thus prolific food for thought.. but i must say that while i admit this is a difficult state to be in, it's not really as significant as it seems.
LE actually *thrives* in hunger as long as it's sparingly(the more sparing the better too!) kept alive thru memories, chance meets, etc...
[i had averted my gaze and plugged in my earphones whenever she was around during the full heat LE, and the many nights i forfeited my chance to walk her to her dorm too convince me that determination achieves anything.]
- worship/identifying w/ her.
+ admiration/ self-other definition... now leading to understanding(her)/very strong individuation.
- romantic fantasies of far or (during contact period) very near scenarios of union.
+ platonic fantasies
eg. REALLY discussing various essential subjects and ideals not as background to our romance but maybe with our romance as the subtle, soundtrack for it.
not fivolous bursts of vain talk but really getting in there with reads, personal observations, putting into action etc.. for the crafting of a stronger, intelligent personality based on solid philosophic and practical arguments/proofs.- including religions, physical and mental disciplines, and everything else useful.
.. now leading to sober questioning of selfish-motives if any( esp. why *her*? are there not other men or even girls with approximate characters?), really asking if i have even imposed wrong attributes to her!? etc.. and the clash of two fantasies vis. my selfish goals in life and the temptation to impact another, perhaps as result of growing confidence/energy. can they be reconciled? dispassion vs passion, controlling the sex instinct vs potential continual temptation, freedom vs relation.. the privillages i hold dear such as shocking unconventionality, non worry/inconsiderateness of others, roughness in character/ indulging in periodical unkemptness, freedom to *completely* shut off friends for extended(months to years(!)) periods and others which give me an advantage to experiment with what i need free from eyes, schedules etc...b/c even if not united in the conventional sense of the term, more responsibility will still be required from me unlike my male friends which i often mistreat very badly. this is incontrovertible for the simple reason of her gender.
i thoroughly, completely believe this is a noble idea. the increase of intelligence and strength is blameless. but is it possible at all with her.
[all these were there at my previous recovery from/victory over the same LE#5(and there was even contact then) d/t from now only in its completely intolerant wipe out of anything 'her'(maybe b/c of exclusive buddhist weltanshauung) whereas now i am letting go while deliberately holding onto certain feelings in impoverished states to exact some understanding from them etc..
got a couple of pics and sometimes visit her slumbering page etc.. b/c i see these as essentially manageable/eradicable.
my aim this time around is complete success, *for the future* too if God wills it.]
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