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I never thought I could make it to this stage. There is hope.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
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I never thought I could make it to this stage. There is hope.

Post by Endgame » Mon Feb 08, 2016 8:42 am

So, an update for those who know who I was "before" (longterm poster, name changer and my story now removed from the forum since it all came to an end). For those new and looking for hope, let's just say my story was an intense one...I was one of the limerents who got what they wished for, however briefly, and with all the chaos that ensued. Like so many of us, it was a work-based LE. Constant uncertainty of reciprocation, a lot of mirroring and confusion. Neither of us were available. But none of that matters now - the important part is that it is completely and utterly over.

The key change for me was disclosure - not to my LO, that just made everything worse. But finally to my DH. I understand now what I refused to believe for so long, that you cannot possibly move on without this - the guilt destroys you and the secrecy allows you to remain stuck in an internal fantasy even after the actual LE is gone. Disclosure led to my being forced, quite rightly, to completely cut LO out of my life. Not just play at it with LC. Or even NC....but complete wipe-out, blocked from all social media and told we must have nothing more to do with each other. Until that point, we'd disclosed feelings but at that moment I disclosed limerence too. LO's reaction confirmed to me precisely that I was right to have gone down this path. A year of fantasy and illusion was over.

Success has in no way been instant. My marriage was a mess. The habit of obsessive thinking does not die easily and I had to go through full, painful withdrawal. I told myself to stick it out for the children and because I knew inside that my DH is a good man. But I constantly doubted if I could ever "feel" anything again.

Nearly 3 months later, bit by bit it's coming back, like waking up from a dream. With LO so completely gone, I can't obsessively check up on him or be tempted to make contact. I have no idea what is happening with him. I resist the urge to ask friends who would be honest, I no longer want to know. I don't want the pain anymore. I can see much more clearly that he treated me terribly, but also that I read too much into many situations (though there were others where he was quite clearly as much to blame). I can see how pathetically I changed myself to try and win his affection, without even seeing that's what I was doing - believing he was making me my "truer" self when the reality is, I was probably always more comfortable, confident, safe and with more in common overall with my DH. The limerent mind plays such tricks.

I am starting to look at DH and feel chemistry again. Sometimes I have to force the connection. I love him for how he has stuck by me and how resillient he is, how he keeps trying. I recently learnt to stop romanticising long-term sexuality - that we are taught to see "sex as a chore" as a negative, when in fact it's such a vital part of maintaining a connected, healthy marriage that it SHOULD be a chore in the same sense that it wouldn't be acceptable to go a month without doing any housework just because you weren't in the mood / too tired etc....why is it acceptable to be so complacent with our marriages? I can't say I've perfected this yet. But this attitude shift is helping me. I'm understanding that a long-term life partnership doesn't just magically happen, that you have to work at it. & actually, DH and I have much more physical connection and support for each other than many couples I see around. I'm learning to count my blessings.

It's not always easy. I have down moments (more than days now). Sometimes I reminisce, but it's more like an outside spectator these days and the memories are starting to feel like they happened in another life. I can't believe it was only a year ago that I was so completely lost in limerence.

I found myself doing home improvements, thinking to myself I'd neglected the house for some time. I'm usually so house proud. & that was a sign of my commitment to my family relationship, to being in the moment with them. My focus now is back on them, to living life with them. Am I susceptible to this again? I can of say I hope not. I don't want it. I have never felt so close to losing myself, for all the moments of ecstasy and drama, it wasn't worth that gut wrenching sickness. What I stood to lose was insane.

I look back and think I was so lucky to make it out in one piece. With my family still intact. Having learnt the lessons about myself and relationships that I have. A large part of that was down to people on these boards....I'm not sure how I would have got through without you.

My journey trying to save my marriage isn't over. It never will be, it's an on going progression that must be worked at and complacency is our biggest nemesis. But for the first time in a year, I have hope. I just wanted to say thanks and share that.
There is no way out of the imagined order. When we break down our prison walls and run towards freedom, we are in fact running into the more spacious exercise yard of a bigger prison - Yuval Noah Harari

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Re: I never thought I could make it to this stage. There is hope.

Post by JohnDeux » Mon Feb 08, 2016 5:19 pm

That was very moving, Endgame. Kudos to you for staying true to yourself and your situation. Much thanks for coming back and relaying this story to the forum....there is hope in your own tale that gives hope to others I'm sure. Strength, clarity, and vision to you from here on out.... :ymhug:
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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Re: I never thought I could make it to this stage. There is hope.

Post by David » Mon Feb 08, 2016 6:07 pm

Beautiful post endgame. there are no winners with limerence, just opportunities for profound changes. Thanks for sharing your insights. Marriage takes hard and consistent work. Your post illustrates that well. Sending love to you and your SO and family.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

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Re: I never thought I could make it to this stage. There is hope.

Post by Wyldgirl » Wed Feb 10, 2016 9:27 pm

You can't imagine how happy it makes me to read this update. It's full of hardwon truth and real hope based on a clearer mindset than when we were both in the throes of limerence. Congratulations.

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