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I think i am done

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
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AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

I think i am done

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer » Sat Jan 09, 2016 7:32 pm

_last day at parents home...well yes, i think i am done- at least for the past two days. early celebration? possibly. but i post this here b/c of the confidence i feel. however i will not, in the coming weeks, hesitate for a moment to admit if i have indeed celebrated too early; nothing worse than feeling like a fraud(on top of an LE).
the fact of the window of opportunity (to contact LO#5) passing may be nice but it is not a factor for this good news. instead it is the result of personal contortions of thought, emotions and personal investigation which i have passed through just as everyone else here; and perhaps some luck, fate or unseen forces which i am unable to comprehend. but man is a product of seen and unseen forces and yet he likes to take all the credit, which in this instance i will not.
i feel truly humbled, and will even insist that even my exertions to free myself were not only the result of my strength -after all what is *my* - but a part of a complex cause and effect of this world which i can't even begin to imagine. this to say that (intricately)coupled with my personal effort is the will of Karma/God's will/random phenomenon or whatever
you want to call it and i feel i am here for a reason just as i was 'there' for a reason.
but all the metaphysical clutter aside(inorder to keep sanity), i am here. and i wish to stay here.
things i want to add:
1) this is, as is everything else, ****a highly personal**** journey and destination hence i can never say that i know 'the general *step by step* path to salvation'. i have done what comes naturally to me, and my situation is, as anyone who reads my post knows, somewhat unique. but in the final equation, i now feel CONTENT and IN COMMAND.
2) "just as a thorn is drawn out with a thorn"
i have used a final push i.e. hate , to finally neutralize this 'LE hangover'(good word!). i feel this is somewhat important b/c staying truly neutral and waiting for L to die a natural death didn't cut it for me... perhaps b/c i feel it has lost its value as a tool for personal deconstruction.
3) point one^ absolutely granted, i again insist however that the general approach that has worked for me is detoxification of body(toxins equal useless thoughts) by gradually expanding the lungs, eating sattwic foods etc... , and in the mental field: ESTABLISHING AND PURSUING A PERSONAL LIFE OBJECTIVE that i feel is my one true love and which i will crush my bones as an offering to acheive it. and FORGING A PERSONAL BALANCE ALL THE WHILE by satisfying my cravings in more wholesome ways.

--this is it for now.--
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

slow mo recovery

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer » Mon Jan 18, 2016 1:46 am

_it's been nine days since last post and i am getting better. slowly but surely.
it was a sort of a (fun) gamble posting here, but it's come out alright. i posted that right at the turn of events(my psyche) when i was feeling that i was going to attain the upper hand, the COMMAND, and things are going tolerably good; but with LOTS of room for improvement.
this is what i consider to be my edge: i have already once seen the other side, and so i know that even this command i have over my impulses is still not IT. i could still become better.
anyone could translate this as they want but i always say: limerence is(*was*) for me an excellent experience. i have always loved the happiness gained therefrom. it is it's (ultimate) unsatisfactoriness, unsustainability etc... that prompts me to want to completely destroy it. and the funny thing: this THING i passed through for the past few months -some before i disclosed, and some months after - is not limerence. it was more of a personal crisis, me wanting to save her(literally, and self admittedly) from her situation in life and this impulse directly contradicting with my long held resolution to first master myself before(if ever) i enter into a relationship with a female(platonic or romantic).
but it is obvious that i don't mind so much attempting this relationship of mentor/mentoree or any other type of interaction involving exchanging of information/experiences (of course dependent on my personal energy left) for the objective of gaining the highest mutual benefit- i.e. PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT. infact this personal rule/policy/deportment could be said to be the one central theme defining almost all my interactions with people of my surrounding. my sister, male friends, even my parents, and yes, even this board (what with all my mini observations and my "what worked for me" thread which i am aware some people may find too arrogant).
i have for too long 'taken it easy', and just chilled with everyone around but i had decided some years ago that this is enough. it is definitely against the way of the world(of today) that is all about "everything is awesome"(oh how i bitterly hate this). but i have for long decided that this approach of complacence is nothing less than Evil itself, and always at the risk of seeming too awkward, i have approached people on the slanted angle of (healthily) challenging them, providing my views directly and with no beating around the bushes and no cheap emotions of taking or giving offense and also with a keen eye to drawing whatever sort of wisdom they may possess. other than this what is the meaning and purpose of interaction?? other than blabbering till the mouth turns dry???
in all of this comes ex or whatever LO, my issue is, and has always been that she is, as are most people, in this habitat that is completely unnatural. yet this unnatural world view and atmosphere is being daily hammered into the people of today, to the point that one person couldn't even start thinking of helping, criticizing, or even FORCING another person to do the right things, the sensible things without being immediately ambushed from all sides with accusations of hypocrisy, personal complexes and what nots. and he even tied his own hands and legs with self defeating rhetorics like a hand in sock(puppet), his mind reciting vague, defeatist, false rationalizations that his own thoughts are wrong etc...
i come from years of personal zen/koan practice that ties up hands and legs and tongue and folds words back upon themselves till the person has no option but to sit with himself, completely realizing the futility of 'helping' other, and hence directing and focusing the rays of his mind upon himself. but this is for a greater cause!
this tying of hands and legs of today times is quite for another purpose, and the purpose is not noble but evil. it is for the purpose of drawing the initiative out of people(yes it's possible) till they become nothing more than slaves and mouth pieces for their masters.
i utterly understand the necessity of keeping to self (recommended by way of culture, or the psychological sciences) but there are always limits. and there are always exceptions. and there must always be rooms for error. when a person is robbed(by this way or that, by internal or external defeatism) his initiative he then starts dying while living. which is the greatest curse and bond.
*not everyone is helpless at helping others*. even the person with innumerable issues can help another person, exchange tips and help eachother without the dark cloud of shame and helplessness hovering above their heads.
But as i said this personal crisis i went through, it wasn't limerence. it was an internal conflict between between my intention to save her and my original sort of vow to keep to myself for the sake of the greater objective that is my personal spiritual advancement. and i am not ashamed to say, this dillema is still not at all solved. and the fact of me being unable to interact with her just b/c she is a female really bothers me.
but the matter is far from here. the matter is for me about CONTROL.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

cont'd

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer » Tue Jan 19, 2016 12:39 am

_so.. where was i going with this^?
just saying that this whole situation is one part of a whole change in my personal health(P&M) in the past few years- my decadence.
God willing, i will be graduating this year but i feel not a bit of delight in thinking of the money i will earn or the life i will have as a result. i only think of the freedom i will have from schooling inorder to return back to the SUN.
i don't know if it's b/c i am a young person, with vivid memory of what it is like to be really(even if not completely) happy and powerful(over my self) or because i was so present during that period of my life, so intensely present thanks to my excellent upbringing that makes me emotionally saturated every moment , or if it's b/c of my inborn nature or some other reason i don't know but i miss that state every minute of everyday ***in the most literal sense***.
this state, even if now tolerably alleviated, is so foreign to me, so alien. this is truly weird for me. i am used to being happy and in control of myself that this dreary state of slow sinking is just an image of hell on earth itself.
the amazing thing is that this age has given me a front row seat to watch this personal decadence take place in ALL of my friends(peers) and myself too. when we entered this campus as fresh men, we were exactly so, FRESH. and now those who have graduated before me and those who are with me right now are a sad spectacle to behold, a true scene of the fight between good and evil, life and death. and my heart bleeds everytime i ascertain that most will lose. yet the loss, far from a merciful capitulation/death, is a slow, confusing tortuous one and so everytime i manage to zoom in on the various culprits of this evil (once every few years) i lash out mind and body and words and i become a shaking, raging mess, flaming wrath and fire.
once it was mental ignorance(buddhism), then it was physical decadence(hatha yoga), and now it is an evil world order bent on turning the people of the world into a rubble of ignorant slaves.
physical decadence mostly sets in around this age(youth) making the person less taut and flabby in body hence in mind, and so it becomes a good reason for this change i see in my peers, thoroughly abusing themselves with bad habits, but this intentional squashing peoples(of all ages) around the world with confusion, poisoning, and promoting all kinds of things that are exactly causes for the lowering of a person's living standard.. it means that even the adults are deteriorating faster than they should in mind and health so that i see this change not only in young people but also the older adults.
limerence, and all the like, as diseases are like a cold(flu). their effects are felt according to the immunity the person posseses. this is what i meant about it being an excellent source of happiness for me in the past and my now sharp emphasis on the need to perfect Control. in the past when i went through these LE's i was on top of my self, i had excellent control and used my LO's for personal rejuvination in a sensible manner(b/c i was born with it as an inclination and i wasn't yet mentally developed enough to search for and use other means of self relaxation).
i honestly say this is very foreign to me. and since i, unlike many others, can't help but daily recite this in my mind, i am a forever aroused struggler, dreaming and scheming of ways to get back to my natural position, my native land that is sattwic youth. and in this struggle, bitter beyond expression, i have managed to learn of ways to keep in the fight and one day go back to the old state. i have gambled, burnt my bridges continously only for this objective with the hope that this MUST pay off. if it doesn't today, it must tomorrow or ten years later; because i have openly declared my opposition with the proposed (false) promise, i have no option but to fight. otherwise i know i will never be happy. otherwise i know i would rather gladly kill myself a thousad times than sink in this mire of unhappiness/powerlessness(over self).
it is with this context that LO must be seen. i could never be happy married to her or whatever. i could be very happy, but i would still be a happy adult, not a happy youth with clear bright mind and noble body... and she too may be happy, b/c if together i know i will wine and dine for her always looking for the tiniest expressions on her face, but again she will never be truly happy- the magnificent girl of freshman year with a gaze like a lion a brisk , agile mind that is simply a wonder.
these things, no matter how we pamper eachother, will be eroded with time. and hence the best thing i could give her is the wisdom i learned of how to preserve that youth and capitalize upon it, and swim against the wave of Time itself. for there are such teachings, for free. and needing only dissatisfaction with life, maybe some luck, and an innermost belligerence forever flaming to achieve one's objectives.
limerence is just a little toy, a flu. a symptom how one has lost grip on self. and once i firmly put my thumb on it, i WILL turn back, reside on it, ferret it out, enjoy it if it comes to be so (though i highly doubt this since i'm fed up), analyse whtaever is needed out of it and move on.
my 'dillema' wrt her is of insignificant importance. which ever way i may lean (in mind or action- yes action-if situations are still feasible), all will be for good. the imprortant thing is my health. then isn't even poison nectar for the strong?!
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: I think i am done

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer » Tue Jan 26, 2016 1:04 pm

honey,..........................
YOUR TIME HAS COME!!!!!
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: I think i am done

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer » Wed Jan 27, 2016 6:52 am

:this is the eighteenth day anniversary to my original post.
i have betted at that time and i will bet now again too.
i bet that since yesterday afternoon, i have attained(started employing) the means to the last indisputable technique to absolute rulership on any of my scattered, repetetive thoughts regarding this LE/personal dilemma/confusion.
i think i have already posted the link to this specific means already(if not i will)- and it is about concentrating on the last, uppermost chakra- the Crown Chakra, on the mantra of the silence after OM.
i think this is the last knot above pranayama, above jhalandhar bandha, and even above the breathing meditation. all three increasing in refinement of control over thoughts and emotions.
i have never rested, and i will never rest until i have attained complete absolute authority over any last straggling thoughts of rescue, romance and anything that focuses ex-LO#5 out of the general population of the world.
my issue is not with limerence. my issue is about me losing my authority over it.
limerence is just like any other undertaking: alcoholism, drug,tv,company,sex,love etc.. addiction. they are all means of deriving pleasure from this world and the key is about conducting them with absolute authority till BETTER,SUBTLER, MORE SATTWIC means of deriving pleasure is attained at which point simply the superiority of the new found means of pleasure outmodes the old.
it is not even about the reality/importance of the thoughts. it is about priority and i want to decide *when and how* i deal with that issue, definitely not the other way around.
it doesn't matter that my dilemma is still not resolved. it is of absolutely no consequence.
a healthy person is not one who has resolved all his issues-this is the enlightened person. a healthy person is one who has the last say about when and how he will resolve those issues.
and at this time, my simple attitude towards her is that she is somehow a familiar soul, and that every little interaction with her forms a big electrical shock/vibration leading to my, i don't know of her's, jolting into transformation way beyond romance. a Uranian chemistry in the most literal sense. and it is upto me to decide if i need this interaction for continous mutual transformation *for both of us* or not. and this will be after i have attained enough self control to deal with those powerful shocks.
if not i could survive and flourish pretty well on my own as i am myself an intensely uranian personality; always inspired and transforming- both qualities most essential to the realization of my goals in life and the general way i deal with life- not entangled with its muddy garbage.
as for her, i know she will have at least a materially successful future. she is industrious, well balanced and healthy.
as for her spirituality, i know that she will in the coming few years tighten her bond with God with some form of worship- most probably Christiansim as despite the current confusion etc.. owing to her age and company she is a pretty sensible and solid person.
the last, and only vision i had in mind, that of completely shaking her world to reduce wealth, connections and even family only to their barest essences to absolutely direct all her energies to the aggressively spiritualistic and not as a balanced living... this is the only dillema, the core of my internal inharmony which i will deal with in a composed and indifferent manner.
because *even if*(?) everything goes smoothly, the path of united effort could prove devastating, or else.
the only thing that matters, and the only precious thing in this world is me. and from me all else blooms or withers. --this is the succinct summary of everything that matters.
regardless of everything, i may reside on L INTENTIONALLY in the future, or not, since i have found much better means of self relaxation a long while ago; but just for the heck of it i will spend a big session in it, and bathing in it as soon as i am completely immune to its influences-rulership vs control.
this is a truly slow motion recovery and even this post, same as the original post, is a heralding of the start of a new phase which i will strive to mature.
i hope i keep succeeding.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: I think i am done

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer » Tue Mar 01, 2016 1:26 pm

_facing some obstacles and drawbacks these days.... an inclination to want to adore again, not to this last LO- that ship has sunk- but in a general way.
no worries, i've got some tricks up my sleeves.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: I think i am done

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer » Fri Mar 11, 2016 3:42 pm

_well i feel i'm at the end of everything. she's dead to me now. i don't feel much about her. and that's pretty much it.
i did my best to "ferret the issue out" as i had planned and i was doing so for the past week or i don't know how long. i've put her and "our history" under all sorts of lenses and derived all i needed to understand. maybe i'll post something about this in the future.
hhhehhh.... it's just...nothing.
i wonder what it would have been if i hadn't pulled the rug from under her carefully and with intent. but now i feel empty of her but in a good way. or a lukewarm way b/c it has taken a long, slow time and i've been expectantly buzzing around it like a fly with unbelievable speed and alacrity comapred to the SLOW progress. and i've watched every step with microscopic detail so that this state of indifference is not so surprising but rather "about freaking time!".
curiosity still here. and also the ever present inclination to be dedicated, to bore deep inside something with my mind. to go into my object of thought and live amongst its cells and be one with it. but i am and have for a long time past been aware that this is just energy and could perfectly well be directed somewhere else. and i have not been lazy.
so that's that. just a mid-thought conclusion i guess.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

mantra: Understand

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer » Thu Aug 18, 2016 3:42 am

_nose tip, nose tip, nose tip... LO, who or what is LO???... nose tip, nose tip..
i have to resurrect her from the catacombs of my mind anew everytime. i have defeated my obsessive thoughts, i can be at peace anytime i please...
i have defeated limerence.
but the beast is not dead, he is fast chained... and so i build a large wall around him, so wide that he, and even me sometimes, can't see it and so he starts believing he is free... and shows me his face!! and i learn his ancestry, i study his habitual paths, i note down his very excuse for existence...
i want to make it count... i want to make this... this...this..MAGIC girl to count. she apeared at this time of my life, and at this point in my learning curve and she truly has once, even now too, soaked my being w/ her brilliance.
i made her count before: seeing that i can't kiss her bones, worship her soul, can't eat, drink, work, live day to day w/ her-- with a unique personality that only she is, that only SHE can be-- constantly before my eyes, continously in my mind.. two *literally* embraced rapt(moment by moment) people, loyality absolute, ever young, ever in love.. or A person.. or rather an entity forged of two persons constantly gazing into eachothers' faces.. that she was nowhere when i suffered from pain--physical, mental, existential(!)-- till i brought her up and even then was a sorry excuse for solace and happiness...
that i truly loved her but that i can't have her even if i had her... was a lesson i took in the subject course of desire, and she was one instrument Fate had arranged to teach me with. and what an instrument.
now again she has come into my mind and (essentially) robbed of (*possessive* not appreciative) love, she now haunts an unexplored corner in my mind.. and again i think.think.think.
she haunts me, but i don't want to be rid of it... i want to control it, build a wall around it.. but i don't want to kill it. i don't want to stuff it under the rug, i don't think i can even... we have some talking to do... and i want to hear all he has to say, as much as he can, so he can rest- and me too.
what is the lesson here? is it Lesson One unfinished? an excrescence of the original possessive, deluded love masquerading as compassion? or is it pure compassion, yet needing to be defeated like love--"everyone carries his cross"? which one is the right path? a mature, conscious friendship or "me recycling into myself" as always?.... she may have changed as a close confidant once pointed out, she may not have been the 'right'-the one i have in my mind- person to begin with... she may have moved on like i finally recommended, she may not care about my intention-proposition and just wants to get married to some guy and have children all before she's thirty so she can realize early the overrated future of a content, happy wife... i may not even get off my ass to look for her. her world doesn't matter, her views, abilities etc.. too. those are her's to do as she pleases-- w/ or w/out me-- the correct view is that it's not truly about her. my love/my true LE wasn't about her, but me. then me moving out of my possessive infatuation-- LESSON ONE-- wasn't about her.. it was about me learning about my pleasure-nature. the buddhist lessons were not specifically about love-clinging, my learning about clinging wasn't specifically about her, there is no confusion about that. she didn't trigger anything, i was already on a path of complete self destruction for appx two years before she even appeared on the scene, and it's safe to say not much would have changed if she wasn't around me. she didn't change my life, she was there when my life was changing. i had many issues, questions and complaints and as they were finally being answered she wasn't the main topic of analysis. rather put accurately, she was a symbolic representation of all pleasure in (my) life. how, though not exactly evil meaning, sad actors in a tragedy nonethless b/c they cannot be grasped and enjoyed deeply and lastingly WITHOUT THE STABILITY OF THE SUBJECT.
i had enjoyed her, but i could have enjoyed her more. i could have met with her everyday, could have spent full days as she hinted and suggested, i could have kissed her, could have carressed her skin and listened to her speak. could have, would have.. IF I WAS STABLE, but i was not. and if i had done so regardless i would have renounced the path to stability and burned out in a year or two never to live- enjoy- again.
it wasn't about her b/c i *know* that all i said here applies to any girl/woman in my future. she is/was a truly special person head to toe, inside to outside and yet it is obvious there are other wonders out there and i am sure to stumble upon any one of them and begin anew the process... but now i won't. and its not just about females b/c there are things i love, inside and outside in the world that could at any time suck me into their sugary, false- b/c they seem like Truth- worlds but now they won't. i have learned to appreciate my value and understand them as *effects* of my level of health.
now again too this dillema of mine is not her-specific, but she's again taken the center stage.. and when i come out the other end, the lesson i learn will not have anything specific to do w/ her. it'd be me settling the current dillema of how i revel in (self made, self dependent) bliss and non confusion as many others are mired in the opposite. it doesn't even matter if she's not unhappy/afraid/confused etc..
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

cont'd

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer » Thu Aug 18, 2016 4:11 am

_all that matters is that there are such people out there and that i am thinking about it and that once i settle this issue that is the core driving principle behind this pseudo-limerence.. i will have settled a personal policy-- a part of a greater weltanshauung-- to adress these future guilts/concerns directed at other people than LO, which i am very certain will be a big issue of the coming years.
if we develop the right attitude, we can use any of the ordinary experiences/conflicts/struggles-- let alone the ones that seem to bother us with tenacity-- to learn greater lessons about life, about ourselves and that will not be time wasted b/c the fruits of the work done will be sustenance for a very long time to come.

mantra: Understand.

P.S.: looking up at this thread i see i've jumbled up (unconsciously in the heat of the battle) what enabled me to turn the corner. i always had the life objectives, my beliefs were strongly anti- infatuation.. what i had lost and needed perfecting was control of repetetive thoughts(as a result of a recent physical injury i had developed difficulties w/ control of repetetive thoughts)-- sth i'm sure many normal limerents can identify w/-- and when i gradually selected and deployed the means i was able to see that LE also quickly subsided!(why i concluded that LE is effectively defeated when one manages to ignore the LO).
though part of a greater struggle against a more demanding problem, the measures taken turned out to be the physical component of the fight against obsession/repetition which LE represented, in addition to the mental disengagement("ignoring") which i was already good at.[i've replaced the more practical bhrumadhya dhrishti/"middle of the eyebrows gaze" in place of the mdtn on the crown chakra as the highest i.e. most refined means of control, but apart from that all the others- pranayama, jalandhara bandha, and breathing meditation still remain in my tool kit as very effective methods for greater and more calmness, focus etc...]
i wrote,"but the matter is far from here, the matter is for me about CONTROL".... well now i move on. another field, another front, another time and another fight... with yet other solutions and resolutions and all this for a better future.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

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