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It's finally over

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
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movingon
Posts: 94
Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2016 5:19 am
Gender:
United States of America

It's finally over

Post by movingon » Tue Sep 18, 2018 11:19 am

Dear limerence community,

I am not sure if anyone remembers me, but I really don't want to rehash my entire story. Just a brief summary: Fell in love with a former professor in early 2015. He flirted heavily with me. It became so intense for me that I confessed to him. Well it did bring clarity (namely that he was not really interested or unavailable or whatever) but it was a long and painful way for me to get over him.
I suffered from severe depression in 2016 because of him and spent many days and weeks in bed crying. I had no idea how to stop feeling the way I did and unfortunately I don't have a magical solution to offer you here.
Fastforward:
In summer of 2017 I moved to another state to begin a PhD program. He used to be one of my advisors who helped me with my applications etc. I was really hoping we could at least stay friends so I would have someone to turn to if I haver had a problem with school. Nope. It didn't work. Our relationship was so bad and weird at the time that it was just better to cut all ties. I was also extremely depressed in Fall of 2017 because I was living in a new city where I didn't know anyone, working on a doctoral degree and felt overwhelmed and I had absolutely no one to ask for advice.
It sucked!
Fastforward:
The last time I saw him was at the end of October in 2017, so it's been almost one year now. I saw him at a conference where I also spent a lot of time in my room crying because all the memiers rushed back in. He took his other former student out to dinner but he wouldn't take me. Ouch! We talked a little bit the last night of the conference. Then a young beautiful, black girl showed up at our table. He knew her from a project they had worked on together. They were holding hands and smiling at each other in sheer bliss while I was sitting there watching. She then said to him: "Come find me" and walked away. It took about 2 minutes after she left before he jumped up, said bye to me and went looking for her.

Yeah that was the final stab that I needed. I came back from that conference and was 100% determined to finally move on. And I did. I went into total NC for almost 6 months (was 2 days short) but then heard from my department chair that had met him at a conference and that he's such a nice guy bla bla bla. LO had presented "our project" there. I knew about it but had never replied to any of his emails. So I decided to send a quick congratulations email. His reply was friendly and he even sent me a picture of himself in front of the presentation poster.
Surprisingly I took it cool. I didn't fall back into my old pattern even after his email.
Since then we exchanged about 2 more emails and I even talked to him on the phone once. Our contact will NOT be regular. I still think it's better to go total no contact. I will keep our conctact to a total minimum, which will be maybe 1 email per year. I really don't have any reason to contact him again.
So what has changed and how did I do it?
Like I said there is no magical trick. Time plays a major role. It took me almost 3 years to get over him. That's a long time. Once I moved away I felt a little bit relieved, but I know that most people don't have this option to just move somewhere else. If you do have the chance then I highly recommend it. Avoid seeing him as much as you can.
I also started dating this year, which I think helped me get over LO too, but only because I was ready for it. It wouldn't have helped me in the early stages. I wasn't interested in anyone else.
So I had a very short fling with an older man in my building. It was nothing and I didn't care that it was nothing.
Then I had a pretty serious committed relationship with a guy in spring/summer for two months. Well, I though I was falling in love with this guy although I can also see that we weren't 100% compatible. He broke up with me 2 days after my birthday because he doesn't think I am the right person for him for a long-term relationship. That was a bit shocking because it came out of nowhere for me. I mean there were some warning signs there but I decided to ignore them.
I was sad about the break-up for sure, but I also felt relieved that this was not limerence. Never has been. So what I have learned is that not all relationships have to be limerent. And.... a relationship without this intense feeling of limerence actually feels so much better.

I hope I will never have to go through this again. It hurts so much and makes you feel so helpless because it seems like there is no way out. It's like a drug addiction as we all know. You can break free but it is extremely difficult.
I can't guarantee that I would not fall back into my old feelings if I saw professor again, that's why I am avoiding seeing him in person. Ideally, we cut off all ties and never see the LO again, ever.
I know this must sound horrible for those of you who are still clinging on to their hope, but in the end your healing can only come from total no contact.

I just wanted to share this with you all. I am not in a new relationship right now, but I am actually thankful for the short 2-month long relationship I had this year. It helped me to put things back in perspective.

You will get through this I promise. If I can do it, so can you!
Trust the process. You are exactly where you are supposed to be right now!

Havb
Posts: 561
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am
Saint-Martin (French part)

Re: It's finally over

Post by Havb » Tue Sep 18, 2018 1:09 pm

Congratulations moving on and thank you for sharing! It is hopeful indeed!! :-bd
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

There is always more work to be done.

mamasita
Posts: 726
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Location: USA
Gender:
United States of America

Re: It's finally over

Post by mamasita » Tue Sep 18, 2018 2:48 pm

Thank you for sharing your story!
I have always known instinctively that no contact was really the only way, but it is a hard pill to swallow. I always feel better bit by bit when avoiding LO completely and at all costs.

Acrobatica
Posts: 464
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: It's finally over

Post by Acrobatica » Tue Sep 18, 2018 7:35 pm

Thank you for sharing. It is so helpful to hear others stories.

Pandora
Posts: 189
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: It's finally over

Post by Pandora » Wed Sep 19, 2018 1:25 am

Congratulations! Your story is painful but full of hope. It must be amazing to get an email from him and not revert back into those old patterns and feelings.

I'm so happy for you, and thank you for taking the time to post this.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Natslife
Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: It's finally over

Post by Natslife » Wed Sep 19, 2018 11:08 pm

Thank you for sharing! I wish I was strong enough to go NC. Circumstances make it difficult for me, but also I think if my feelings were not reciprocated I would paradoxically find it easier to move on, but because he does reciprocate it makes it that much harder - the carrot is always being dangled at me. Sigh...! But thanks for the inspiration. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to just walk away and hide!

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