We can recover and grow from limerence.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
JohnDeux
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Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by JohnDeux » Fri Dec 11, 2015 5:46 pm

Re: "Being seen"

Yeah, this is a tough one. For me it seems to come down to motivation although grey areas still exist. For instance, am I going down to the water cooler at work to "socialize" as is a core human trait, or get my ego stroked in a less-than-healthy way. Where is that cut-off and what to do with situations where, retrospectively, I realize it's been the latter? But good question, Whiterose and good topic for discussion.

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David
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the need for hope

Post by David » Sat Jan 21, 2017 7:41 am

Wow - another year gone since i last posted an update on my own journey. :-o Where does the time go?

A few unconnected ramblings follow as a way of a data dump. Apologies for the disconnectedness.

This week marks exactly 6 years since meeting LO and over 2 years of total NC, apart from a couple of snatched FB peeks and google searches (fortunately there is not a lot on there for me to gorge on).

I read my journal yesterday from when L first kicked off. OMG - was i unconscious. :oops: Chock full of projections and unawareness. It helped me appreciate how far ive travelled in the past 6 years.

Most days LO doesnt cross my mind although there have been one or two dreams with her making a guest appearance. I wake up thinking, wow, limerence really is tenacious. The total NC has helped the memory fade although i can still go back to the euphoric recall with certain triggers. Im under no illusion that contact with LO would reignite the furnace, likely always will however much personal development work i do. I think i'll always carry a small flame for her - how could i not given the profundity of this experience.

Growth hasn't been easy - the first few years of limerence were the most turbulent of my life. I know life will throw me more challenges. With increasing age, loss and bereavement is looming on the horizon. I feel I am now better equipped to deal with such events, however painful they may be.

And yet my parental rescue fantasy continues - perhaps it always will and thats OK. I know this part of me well, I have compassion for this part and just observe my pull to the magical other without feeling the need to act out.

And there is something i'm learning around intimacy. Yesterday I shared a beautiful morning with a gay male friend 10 years older than me. He is teaching me much about how to be connected with another human at a heartfelt level without the need for sexual desire to get in the way. Same goes for SO, her understanding of intimacy has many shades, always has done. I am left with the question, is it possible to have an intimate connection with someone where there is a physical attraction however much growth we have done? And what is physical attraction all about? What makes beauty in the eye of the beholder?

Next week I facilitate a session on intimacy at a ManKind elders gathering. I shall share some of my story there as a way of encouraging others to open up and show themselves and allow others to see into them (Intimacy = InToMeSee).

I was chatting with a therapy friend a few days ago and we were talking about how important it is to give clients hope. I hope my story can give some hope to others.

As we say in MKP "The journey continues"

Aho
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

Heart_Open
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Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by Heart_Open » Sat Jan 21, 2017 10:32 am

Thanks so much for this David. Your insight rings so true for me. It has been 8 yrs since I met my LO and phased NC for just over 6 apart from bumping into him in May 2012 and speaking on phone Sept 2013. Then we are still friends on fb but tend to ignore each other (he is usually hidden from my newsfeed). I have been off fb for 22 days but occasionally i can see his profile pic which kicked off this most recent limerent episode in Nov 2016.

I have grieved - like you, the first few years were the worst. I fought my feelings and after leaving work it got even worse. But I got through. I was spiritually aware anyway but this took me deeper and under and round and round and the me I am today is the result of it all and I wouldnt change a thing. I wanted to disclose to my DH from the start but I couldnt understand it to explain it. Now I can but I cant disclose, ever.

I was really interested in what you said about intimacy. I have intimacy with my DH but I am aware of this 'thing' of mine, this secret that I can never share with him. I just can't, it would be selfish on my behalf. BUT there is no way any relationship I did or could have had with my LO would have intimacy. That would be absent.

Anyway, thanks again for all your insight. You have helped and are helping so many on the road to recovery.

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David
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Monday marks 30 years marriage

Post by David » Fri May 05, 2017 8:28 am

I'm sitting here overlooking the bay from our hotel room in Kota Kinabalu as a tropical storm sets in. We've come to Malaysia and Borneo to celebrate 30 years of marriage.

Im not sure where the years have gone. Mostly they have been great years and we've mostly enjoyed each other's company - we still do and get on well most of the time. Sure we've had our differences and limerence magnified those and also rewrote a lot of our history.

Im glad we both stuck out my limerence, we both did our emotional growing up and still continue to do so.

So many positives still come from the experience especially the couples work we do together. So many of the people we work with are in limerence and both our experiences (plus SO's experience of limerence when we first met over an ex) allows us to have more empathy. And its good to know others continue to get help from this site.

I notice how i enjoy life more, living more in the moment. Ive always loved travelling and visiting new places feels even more of an experience now ive learned to be more connected.

To finish - last night's sunset - a stunner.
IMG_2731.jpg
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"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

Lima_Rance
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Re: Monday marks 30 years marriage

Post by Lima_Rance » Sun May 14, 2017 9:52 pm

David wrote:
Fri May 05, 2017 8:28 am
We've come to Malaysia and Borneo to celebrate 30 years of marriage.
Congratulations to you both!

And what a wonderful sunset...

Joanna
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Re: Monday marks 30 years marriage

Post by Joanna » Sun May 14, 2017 10:01 pm

David wrote:
Fri May 05, 2017 8:28 am
I'm sitting here overlooking the bay from our hotel room in Kota Kinabalu as a tropical storm sets in. We've come to Malaysia and Borneo to celebrate 30 years of marriage.

Im not sure where the years have gone. Mostly they have been great years and we've mostly enjoyed each other's company - we still do and get on well most of the time. Sure we've had our differences and limerence magnified those and also rewrote a lot of our history.

Im glad we both stuck out my limerence, we both did our emotional growing up and still continue to do so.

So many positives still come from the experience especially the couples work we do together. So many of the people we work with are in limerence and both our experiences (plus SO's experience of limerence when we first met over an ex) allows us to have more empathy. And its good to know others continue to get help from this site.

I notice how i enjoy life more, living more in the moment. Ive always loved travelling and visiting new places feels even more of an experience now ive learned to be more connected.

To finish - last night's sunset - a stunner.

IMG_2731.jpg
David

This is wonderful to hear! Thank you so much for sharing and many congratulations to you both!

X

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Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by Spinnaker » Sun May 14, 2017 10:33 pm

How did I miss David's Anniversary post ??
Argh! I am sorry for not seeing this and responding sooner. Happy Anniversary!

Hope your trip was wonderful. The picture is truly spectacular!

Spinnaker
Re-examine all that you have been told...
dismiss that which insults your soul.
Walt Whitman

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David
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Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by David » Mon May 15, 2017 10:06 am

thanks for your messages.

We just arrived home after 3 spectacular weeks. Borneo was a dream vacation and a fitting way for us to celebrate.

I spent some of my time going further down the rabbit hole of exploring the history or romantic love - more of which in another post.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

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