Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

We can recover and grow from limerence.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
Heart_Open
Posts: 697
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:52 pm

Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by Heart_Open » Sat Jan 21, 2017 10:32 am

Thanks so much for this David. Your insight rings so true for me. It has been 8 yrs since I met my LO and phased NC for just over 6 apart from bumping into him in May 2012 and speaking on phone Sept 2013. Then we are still friends on fb but tend to ignore each other (he is usually hidden from my newsfeed). I have been off fb for 22 days but occasionally i can see his profile pic which kicked off this most recent limerent episode in Nov 2016.

I have grieved - like you, the first few years were the worst. I fought my feelings and after leaving work it got even worse. But I got through. I was spiritually aware anyway but this took me deeper and under and round and round and the me I am today is the result of it all and I wouldnt change a thing. I wanted to disclose to my DH from the start but I couldnt understand it to explain it. Now I can but I cant disclose, ever.

I was really interested in what you said about intimacy. I have intimacy with my DH but I am aware of this 'thing' of mine, this secret that I can never share with him. I just can't, it would be selfish on my behalf. BUT there is no way any relationship I did or could have had with my LO would have intimacy. That would be absent.

Anyway, thanks again for all your insight. You have helped and are helping so many on the road to recovery.

User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 2836
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Contact:
Great Britain

Monday marks 30 years marriage

Post by David » Fri May 05, 2017 8:28 am

I'm sitting here overlooking the bay from our hotel room in Kota Kinabalu as a tropical storm sets in. We've come to Malaysia and Borneo to celebrate 30 years of marriage.

Im not sure where the years have gone. Mostly they have been great years and we've mostly enjoyed each other's company - we still do and get on well most of the time. Sure we've had our differences and limerence magnified those and also rewrote a lot of our history.

Im glad we both stuck out my limerence, we both did our emotional growing up and still continue to do so.

So many positives still come from the experience especially the couples work we do together. So many of the people we work with are in limerence and both our experiences (plus SO's experience of limerence when we first met over an ex) allows us to have more empathy. And its good to know others continue to get help from this site.

I notice how i enjoy life more, living more in the moment. Ive always loved travelling and visiting new places feels even more of an experience now ive learned to be more connected.

To finish - last night's sunset - a stunner.
IMG_2731.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

Lima_Rance
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2015 1:26 pm

Re: Monday marks 30 years marriage

Post by Lima_Rance » Sun May 14, 2017 9:52 pm

David wrote:
Fri May 05, 2017 8:28 am
We've come to Malaysia and Borneo to celebrate 30 years of marriage.
Congratulations to you both!

And what a wonderful sunset...

User avatar
Spinnaker
Posts: 1494
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
Gender:
Contact:
United States of America

Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by Spinnaker » Sun May 14, 2017 10:33 pm

How did I miss David's Anniversary post ??
Argh! I am sorry for not seeing this and responding sooner. Happy Anniversary!

Hope your trip was wonderful. The picture is truly spectacular!

Spinnaker
"I'll become what I deserve".

Ben Howard

User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 2836
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Contact:
Great Britain

Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by David » Mon May 15, 2017 10:06 am

thanks for your messages.

We just arrived home after 3 spectacular weeks. Borneo was a dream vacation and a fitting way for us to celebrate.

I spent some of my time going further down the rabbit hole of exploring the history or romantic love - more of which in another post.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 2836
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Contact:
Great Britain

Reflections on my religion

Post by David » Sat Feb 24, 2018 7:04 am

Wow, where is the time going, another 9 months passed since my last update.

Thought id post something here having just returned from the first ever Israeli ManKind Adventure New Warrior weekend. https://www.facebook.com/mkpisrael/ . 16 initiates and 30 staff men. We travelled from the UK, USA, South Africa, France and a few local Israeli men all helped to staff this event. Some Jews, some atheists, some Christians and one courageous Muslim man.

I saw my father just before going. I hadn't seen him since last summer when he tried to triangulate my daughter into his drama and then told me to go fuckmyself after I told him to stop. I took SO as I know he finds it hard to act out with her around. She challenges him on his victimhood, I no longer waste the energy. There was no apology. As usual he was negative and draining. I asked why doesn't he buy a one way ticket to Switzerland to visit the Dignitas clinic and end his life. He replied "dont think I haven't considered it". He remains emotionally a young boy.

Israel was a bittersweet experience for me. Forgive my repetition as some of what I write below has already been articulated in other posts over the years here. I've carried deep shame about being a Jew for most of my conscious memory and I have a lot of ambivalence towards my religion. I was brought up with a form of mind control. One of the many weapons used included the often used line don’t upset your father, he’s suffered enough. His trauma, being deported to Auschwitz from his home in Hungary at the age of 11 along with his parents and 7 brothers and sisters. All his family apart from one brother were murdered in the gas chambers. Breaking free from my toxic family system was incredibly hard, given the power this script held over me.

I've been the family’s torchbearer of the unresolved grief, my parents and 3 sisters not being ready to do their own healing. The men's groups I attend have been the only place I’ve felt safe enough to dive into the well of grief and touch what feels like at times a bottomless pit of pain. Each time i show my vulnerability amongst men i know I can trust, the grief whilst still intense, feels just that little more bearable. I alos notice I bounce back much quicker, not feeling drained for days.

There were other staff men that had also lost family in the holocaust. When we circled up for the last time, those impacted stood in the centre of the circle on the land that became symbolic for the Jewish fight to exist. We chanted the mourner's Kaddish (the Jewish ritual prayer for the dead). It was a powerful moment and one that will stay with me for a long time.

One generous man, trained in EFT (tapping) after witnessing my pain, did some tapping with me. It seems to have helped me let go of the grief i've been holding for too long. I think i may get some training as the effect has been palpable. Recounting events to my SO would normally have reactivate this trauma, this time I could separate out whats mine and what's not. As I type it reminds me of how i fuse feelings to events in a way that has been less than healthy and helpful. I didn't experience the holocaust and yet the burden I carried felt immense. Same goes for limerence. I never had a real relationship with LO and yet the grief of mourning something that never existed also felt huge. Hmmhhh :-? :-? :-? :-? Im not sure of the connection between the two, and yet it does feel related. Normally on ManKind weekends, my attachment wounds are rubbed and my thoughts go to LO. On this staffing, this didn't happen. LO was Jewish and SO wasn't (SO did convert, although my father still wont accept her) is noteworthy.

My feelings towards my religion haven't changed, Im anti circumcision and having a kosher kitchen and watching the more observant men has reinforced my judgements about the rigidity of this religion. Still, each to themselves. And yet I feel an affinity with other Jews.

As for limerence, its feels the distant past. Many of our clients are grappling with this condition and its impact on others. I relate and can empathise. At times its frustrating as they hold onto their fantasy of having met the one. As we know here, it can take many months, if not years for that bubble to be burst. So another gift for me, teaching be to be patient whilst I sit and wait.

Life is taking a new direction as we continue to build our couple's and coaching practices, as our children find their own wings and we settle into a more conscious and loving way of being in our relationship. More challenges will come along, as age and health creeps upon us. I've decided to step up onto the leadership track of the MKP. This means putting my head above the parapet and being seen even more than I do now.

I sometimes reflect on how different my life would be had I not developed limerence?
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

Havb
Posts: 384
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am
United States of America

Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by Havb » Sun Feb 25, 2018 2:36 am

Wonderful and touching post, David. Thanks so much for sharing. I’m glad you experience such healing in those men’s groups. I experience the same in survivors’ groups. Powerful, indeed.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

User avatar
Spinnaker
Posts: 1494
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
Gender:
Contact:
United States of America

Re: We can recover and grow from limerence.

Post by Spinnaker » Sun Feb 25, 2018 6:17 am

Thank you for sharing your experience!
"I'll become what I deserve".

Ben Howard

User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 2836
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Contact:
Great Britain

Shadow work

Post by David » Mon Mar 19, 2018 6:44 am

I went on a ManKind Project shadow /family constellation workshop at the weekend. Ive done similar work before and each time I go, the sludge at the bottom of my pot gets stirred up. And each time, the layer of sludge gets a little thinner and looser.

I did some profound work that accessed stuff in my shadow that had been locked away since the age of 5-6. New realisations of coping strategies I adopted at that age to survive in a family where my mother projected her hatred of the masculine onto me and my father projected all his grief and unmet desires onto me as I was his only son. I saw how my 2 elder sisters were treated very differently. My felt sense was they received tenderness and love from my mother and few expectations apart from becoming Jewish baby making machines from my misogynistic father. The irony is he got none of this - 5 female grandchildren, none of who follow in his religious footsteps and only one grandson who married out of the religion as did his mother - my sister. 3 of his 4 children married out of the religion.

My father's back story I know well and the work allowed me to feel more compassion for a deeply broken man that lives in fear and with contempt for others that he perceives to be weaker than him, which I suspect is pretty much everybody. Its how he keeps himself safe, not having to be vulnerable. My mother's story I'm less clear about. She hated her brother, wanted to kill him and she found her Polish father cold and emotionless. I can't help but wonder what abuse she experienced to hate men so much and to spend so much of her life fuelled by rage.

I find it fascinating how long it takes for some of this unconscious shadow stuff to make itself apparent. Its accompanied by deep grief and tears of catharsis. This is slow deep painful work, there are no shortcuts, no magic bullets, despite what the snake-oil salesman may try and sell you. Finding a group of men I can trust has allowed me to go much deeper in my own work.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

JohnDeux
Posts: 1741
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Shadow work

Post by JohnDeux » Mon Mar 19, 2018 1:21 pm

David wrote:
Mon Mar 19, 2018 6:44 am
.... my mother projected her hatred of the masculine onto me and my father projected all his grief and unmet desires onto me as I was his only son. I saw how my 2 elder sisters were treated very differently.
Thanks for this, David.....a reminder of the long-haul that it is to get to a better place in our lives and the layers that await us along the way. The similar palpable feelings in our FOO were an equally anti-male hostility from our mother that is buried underneath a severe co-dependence on her part with the male gender. Part of that of course comes from the cultural devaluation of the female, but part from her own past. My father was more into the standard male patriarchal figure....."Come to me when you have something of value that reflects well on me....". Now he too is wondering why there are no male grandchildren to carry on the family name. I'm so glad this branch of the family will end here....at least in name. Hope the nieces fare better. Thanks for sharing your own journey, struggles, and victories.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests