Welcome to limerence.net. A website and support forum for those impacted by limerence, unrequited love, love-addiction, obsessive love, romantic infatuation, and affair recovery. Its also a place for those wanting to build healthier relationships and seeking to find themselves.
I set up this site after grappling with my own episode of limerence. Since that time, and having worked through my own healing i came to realise that limerence, whilst debilitating, was more a catalyst for a period of much needed psychological growth.
My knowledge is also informed by my qualifications as a counsellor and psychotherapist. It is also based on working with many people in my relationship counselling practice (www.loverelations.co.uk) that I run with my wife, who is also a qualified therapist.
With that healing came an awareness that limerence touches many aspects of relationships, be it romantic, with friends, family or work colleagues. And since then, this website and forum has expanded to cover more than just healing from limerence. It has evolved into helping others understand more about themselves and relationships.
The limerence.net forum (click here to go the forum) offers a safe place that offers non-judgemental mutual support. You will find genuine and sincere advice for those impacted and seeking recovery. We request you show mutual respect as this site contains people at all stages of limerence, love-addiction and affair recovery.
We have all been there and know that in the early stages many of us are left feeling overwhelmed, fragile and vulnerable.
What is limerence?
The original definition of limerence, a term coined by Dorothy Tenov, a psychologist in the 1970's as an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated. It is characterised by the following: Intrusive and obsessive thinking about the object of our infatuation - referred to as the Limerent Object (LO) - Replaying and rehearsal of our interactions with the LO - Anxiety and self-consciousness around the LO and an Emotional dependence on our LO. Impaired functioning around our LO.
Some commentators use the term limerence to describe the early stages of that infatuated addictive energy of love that most of us feel in early relationships - so called New Relationship Energy (NRE). With time and with reciprocation, this often transforms into a more secure and enduring love. Where the progression of a romantic relationship is hindered (often by marriage or other long term relationship) and where the uncertainty remains, enduring limerence often ensues.
For a more detailed explanation of the symptoms - see here http://www.limerence.net/limerence-faq/limerence-symptoms.html
What is love addiction?
A love addict’s core fantasy is the expectation that someone else can solve their problems, provide unconditional love, and take care of them. When this unrealistic need isn’t met, love addicts may find themselves feeling resentful, and may create conflict in their relationships with others.
Some love addicts find that when not involved in a love-addicted relationship, they are able to care for themselves quite adequately. However, when they become involved, the love addict quickly finds that their self-care capacity steadily declines.
What is the relationship between limerence and love addiction?
My own belief is limerence is a subset of love addiction. All those that grapple with limerence are at their core, love addicts, although not all love addicts develop limerence. I describe limerence as love addiction on steroids. I personally believe a combination of love addiction, traits of OCD and an addictive personality sets us up for enduring limerence.
I also see romantic infatuation, unrequited love and obsessive love as all parts of the same condition. Whilst the symptoms may vary, the origins and treatment differ little.
Why do we get limerence / love addiction?
People generally become love addicts due to a past history of abandonment from their primary caregivers. Adult love addicts usually recognized as children that their most precious needs for validation, love and connection with one or both parents were not met. This affects their self-esteem dramatically in adult life. It results in a fear of abandonment and an underlying fear of intimacy. To a love addict, intensity in a relationship is often mistaken for intimacy.
Building healthier relationships and finding ourselves.
With time, many of the members on the forum here come to realise that limerence is all about them. Their object of desire was just a catalyst. As the saying goes, when we are ready, the teacher will appear. When we have moved beyond the obsessive addictive energy, we realise we are the one with the issues and that we are the ones that have to do the heavy lifting to heal ourselves. The reality is there is no magical other. We are the ones that have to learn how to fill that hole in our soul. With time, we desire moving to healthier more conscious relationships, with ourselves and others.
For a video on my personal experience of limerence and more information click here and scroll to the bottom of the page.
Comments
Is there any hope for people like myself?
Are there any counselors, psychotherapists in the Boston, MA area that can help?
Limerence seems like something people in English novels would frequently be afflicted with like a "Wuthering Heights" something from the Edwardian/Victorian era.
I am curious to know if certain populations have a greater tendency for Limerence?
Will there be a genetic therapy for this someday? I wouldn't wish this on anyone it is a cruel affliction.
Thanks for having this website.
Sincerely,
I cant believe how accurate this is to my situation. "having a word for it" changes everything. How is it posible that I need someone to tell me this kind of knowledge? That I need to say it, to become aware of it when others know it subconsciously.
What makes it even worse is that i didnt even talk to her before she thought i was stalking her. Now we're both in collage and im in her business studies class, i really wanna talk to her but im scared she or her friend will ignore me or just diss me. I just hate the feeling of not meaning anything to her in life while she means so much to me. Sometimes i even have these days where i cant go to sleep because i can only think about what would happen when we finish collage and we both go our separate ways. I'll never see the love of my life ever again. Please, i need help
The email listed keeps bouncing. Is there another one to reach you at?
Thanks,
Jon
thanks for your site. I'm a 45 year old lady from Spain. I have suffered limerence many times in my life and I strongly believe this and other patterns are due to being raised by narcissistic parents. Thanks for helping find me voice
I would agree with this...narcissistic parents. I think it is something that develops because of a lack of parental affection, abandonment, narcissistic parents, etc, etc, etc... Basically not receiving the love, care and attention needed as a child sets one up for life-long struggles and issues down the road. Being aware of these issues at least helps one not to act on the impulses even though it is SO torturous to live with them. I have been experiencing this of late and it has been hell.
I agree, narcissistic parents have a lot to answer for. As with all narcs, it seems low contact or even no contact is necessary if we are to separate and individuate.
2 months ago i hooked up with an old crush. She told me she ended her 6 year long relationship,and that she still have some stuff overthere. We hooked up on my initiative,only to find she was actualy still living with the bf and did not broke up with him,even if she claimed she wants to but cant do it now. I got the feeling she was playing with me. I broke up a month later because i could not trust her. I fell for her hard, and opened myself a lot very early into this affair. My ratio and my emotions went different directions.she wanted to keep it secret,no meeting in public. I broke up a month later. And 2 month after i am thinking about her 24/7 and replaying dialogues in my head.
How to stop? I am a wreck....
I just discovered today I'm 100% limerant! OMG. Obviously you are as well. Your LO hasn't reciprocated your feelings. one strategy I use is avoidance of my LO. I was planning on seeing him at an event know Aug I thought he'd go to, but now that I see my illness described, I think I should probably avoid going. My advice to any limerent is to read "He's just not that into you" a fantastic book. It's funny and will help you more quickly realize your LO does NOT reciprocate your feelings. This is the best way to recover as quickly as possible from this ridiculous fantasy state of being! I wish there was a cure. Now that I'm aware, I'll learn everything to rid myself of this.
My response was to keep our relationship in friendship mode and not encourage romantic involvement. This was not effective in preventing his illusions, either, I found. I married someone else and moved out of state. This did not help. My marriage was abusive. My husband, jealous of him, threatened to kill us both. After sixteen years, I left. The songwriter kept trying to get in touch with me for three more years, never comprehending the danger he put me. himself, or my children in. Then he died in a car accident.
I quit smoking when my life burnt up into ashes.
I had tried before but it was so easy to just have one and then another. because you think about them. they are on your mind and so is the memory of the feeling of breathing deep into yourself. in actual fact it tastes awful, makes your lungs feel wrecked and spins your head. easily forgotten.
But then everything turned to shit and I decided I couldn’t afford cigarettes. I stop identifying as a smoker, more importantly I stopped identifying as a non-smoker. it wasn’t on my radar at all.
Likewise my final escape* from LO was only because of catastrophe. a massive brutal dose of reality that left no room for idle thought or romantic intention. and in the clarity that followed, I made sure I wasn’t going to just drop back into old habits. here was my chance. the cell door was open, I wasn’t going to loiter.
1/2
It's amazing how you quit both! I'm have the same problems and somehow I know that when I quit smoking I will quit him too.
How did you quit her?
Btw, I haven't smoked for a week now and planning to keep strong...
The smoking analogy and LO were actually years apart. I brought it up because I felt it was two parts of the same kind of problem. Keep reading comment 2, sadly this wasn't the actual answer. She's gone now, no contact. still thinking of her most days, but its a passing thought and I've got better things to do. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Thank god, absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Also, really want to edit those previous comments.
Good luck Crystal.
I marked down all her negative points and reevaluated how she treated me. There were absolute deal breakers I had glossed over for months.
So I rebuilt my image of her, somewhat monstrous. something to avoid and resent. not true, not fair, too bad
Ive had maybe 6 "days off" when she wasn't totally dominating my thinking and each time I felt more like me, more in control, more confident.
Yes the gloss comes off everything and i miss the soft lull of dreaming about somebody else and in weak moments, I mourn the girl that she was and hate the girl that she is. a deliberate choice to divide her into two different people, so I can mentally breakup with that beautiful soul with the eyes that I get lost in fuckfuckfuck.
Quitting drinking helped.
maintain strict discipline whatever you have control of but usually let yourself get slack on
good luck everyone, its worth trying to beat it.
2/2
Your story gives me hope
Absolutely re limerence and addiction - we have a whole section on the forum related to addiction - see http://limerence.net/forum/viewforum.php?f=59&sid=b98fc042c0ca491f5d99f8e2409fe60c
!6 years later I found her and contacted her. She was happy to hear from me and said she never forgot me either. The funny thing is we are both in destructive mutual limerence relationships right now. We talk all the time and try to help each other get through it. It was like we had not talked in a week not 16 years and we grow closer each day
Exactly. 16 months here. I see him every work day. I really want it to stop. I also do not want to have feelings for him any longer. I research for ways to stay busy, try to discipline my brain. I try to ignore him - which makes him give me MORE attention. Arrggh! So, I try to act normal and talk to him like normal co-workers. Me changing jobs is not a possibility at this time. I doubt that he is going anywhere, but I keep hoping. In fact, I point out job opportunities to him. Sigh.
I would like to know where to find in the Forum about LE reactions to letdowns from LO, inlcuding extreme jealousy, abandonment feelings, rejection, that somehow do not match the situation in reality. I.e, my LO couldnt talk to me at the hour we set and I took that so bad, didnt have an argument but I felt worse than if I just gone through a break-up, which I logically see its not a natural reaction to what just happened. The feelings in me are: a lot of anger and wishing to get even, like punish him in some way for doing that, in fact I just ignored him after that and he is Limerent too, so I know he wont take that too cool. Perhaps I am reacting to abandonment and neglect from my parents, transferring that to this?
I moved to college and could only come home weekends. I'm not sure what happened on her end other than she was young and not ready to settle down. People called our love "puppy love," but I knew better (at least on my end). I knew it was the real thing. She was the first girl to ever tell me she loved me.. that really meant something to me. Why would she say it if she didn't feel as strongly as I did I thought to myself.
We broke up and not a single day has gone by that I don't think about her throughout the day and miss her. That was over 12 years ago at this point.
I tried reaching out to her a few years ago to see how she was doing hoping maybe things would work out, but it doesn't look good. Whatever feelings she once had for me are long gone and are never coming back.
3 years ago I became obsessed with a co worker who showed me signs of interest we even went on a date but i didnt work out and I had an almost 6 months long depression obsessing over her.
I thought I learned my lesson but now again I find myself obsessed with a new girl. Shes the most beautiful girl I've ever been with and I'm constantly fantasizing about her. I live in NYC she lives in DC but is originally from NY so shes visits often. We made plans to meet up a week ago but she postponed her trip indefinitely. Its driving me seriously crazy .
My LO emailed me in June telling me to cease all contact with him and blocked me on Facebook. You would think this had been the result of something major on my part, but honestly, it had only been some feelings of weirdness for a couple of months, on my part, followed by one particularly contentious text conversation that actually ended well. Two days later, I was cut off. It took everything in my power to respect the LO's boundaries, but I have. Didn't see him at all over the summer, which has been an immense help, but now am back to a regular weekly activity in which I will see him all the time. The feelings are flooding back, even though we are not even friends any longer! Anyway, just wanted to ask if anyone has pursued this as being a result of early attachment issues. In my own life, I had a father who passed away when I was 4 and mother who may well have been emotionally unavailable while dealing with this both before and after the death.
Introverts upvote plz!
Extroverts downvote plz!
Wow...the narcissistic parent connection is undeniable to me now. Mine was also alcoholic, so was even further distracted (read: absent, unattached). In fact, I was the LO of a narcissist in my last "round" of this insanity. I was actually going to leave my husband and my life to find a way to be with this guy. He love-bombed me in the beginning, dumped me, came crawling back, then I dumped him -- finally for good. What fun. My latest LO was very sweet...but was also alcoholic. And then would disappear. In the end, none of this is healthy. It could be 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years, or more, but the LO is often experiencing as many struggles or more as you are. They just present differently.
I'm suffering of limerence and I thought that I was the only one, because I don't know anybody else passing through tais as well! My friends think I'm crazy, and also do I. I am 28 years old and I am in love with a co-woker since two years ago, it's completely unrequited! But 1 month ago he moved away to another city! Now my friends keep telling me that is time to move on, and I rationally understand this, but emotionally I can't stop thinking about him every waking hour, I lost my religion, I'm sick, I can't eat, or sleep, or even work! How can I move on? Thank you very much!
The strangest part is, he has finally dragged me in, too. We recently cut ties, and now I am obsessed with him. I search his name on google, i leave messages for him on social media (ones i know only he will understand), i feel paralyzed by intrusive fantasies. I am in the most wonderful, committed, balanced relationship of my life, and i still feel this connection to this another guy. I do not admire him. In fact, i feel disgusted and ashamed. I never want to see him again. I want to reach out to him and pique his interest. I want to mail him anonymous letters. I want to manipulate his life for better and for worse. I feel insane.
This must be difficult.... Well try to play your fantasies out in your mind- think of how bad and unsatisfying they would probably be....or how hurt people could get. It might help you kill the obsession before it gets totally out of control. Keep us posted! Good luck...
Now you are suffering. You are lucky to have a healthy, balanced, relationship. Hang onto that. In time this ridiculous obsession will cease. It's not about him. You already know he's not right for you. Even if he was over the top crazy about you for 8 years, and you weren't interested, you still likely enjoyed the admiration, the attention, reliability, the friendship. Now that he has withdrawn completely, it's normal you would miss it and wonder why? Remember, when you had him,you didn't want him. So likely you don't want him now either. You just felt special being an LO.
It's possible you are limerent but not sure.
It's been 8 months, she never texts or calls first. I'm the only one chasing her. I cannot get her off my mind. I know a relationship between us wiuld be doomed but I'm still holding on. I'm trying no contact and trying to meet other women. I'm miserable with these obsessive thoughts about her.
we only had 2 dates, and separated by half the country. it came down to after college, was i going to move back to my hometown and make my dreams come true with this woman and live there forever, never going anywhere? or was i going to make my other dreams come true in california and learn to surf.
well, after inquiring proposing a date of sorts, i was met with the weakest response on her part, (updating her facebook photo to something relevant about us?) i received no response and then confessed about my near-obsession (angrily) and just scared her off. it was bad.
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