Welcome to limerence.net. A website and support forum for those impacted by limerence, unrequited love, love-addiction, obsessive love, romantic infatuation, and affair recovery. Its also a place for those wanting to build healthier relationships and seeking to find themselves.

I set up this site after grappling with my own episode of limerence. Since that time, and having worked through my own healing i came to  realise that limerence, whilst debilitating, was more a catalyst for a period of much needed psychological growth.

My knowledge is also informed by my qualifications as  a counsellor and psychotherapist. It is also based on working with many people in my relationship counselling practice (www.loverelations.co.uk) that I run with my wife, who is also  a qualified therapist.  

With that healing came an awareness that limerence touches many aspects of relationships, be it romantic, with friends, family or work colleagues.  And since then, this website and forum has expanded to cover more than just healing from limerence. It has evolved into helping others understand more about themselves and relationships. 

The limerence.net forum (click here to go the forum) offers a safe place that offers non-judgemental mutual support. You will find genuine and sincere advice for those impacted and seeking recovery. We request you show mutual respect as this site contains people at all stages of limerence, love-addiction and affair recovery. 

We have all been there and know that in the early stages many of us are left feeling overwhelmed, fragile and vulnerable.

What is limerence?

The original definition of limerence, a term coined by Dorothy Tenov, a psychologist in the 1970's as an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated. It is characterised by the following: Intrusive and obsessive thinking about the object of our infatuation - referred to as the Limerent Object (LO) - Replaying and rehearsal of our interactions with the LO - Anxiety and self-consciousness around the LO and an Emotional dependence on our LO. Impaired functioning around our LO.

Some commentators use the term limerence to describe the early stages of that infatuated addictive energy of love that most of us feel in early relationships - so called New Relationship Energy (NRE).  With time and with reciprocation, this often transforms into a more secure and enduring love. Where the progression of a romantic relationship is hindered (often by marriage or other long term relationship) and where the uncertainty remains, enduring limerence often ensues. 

For a more detailed explanation of the symptoms - see here http://www.limerence.net/limerence-faq/limerence-symptoms.html 

What is love addiction?

A love addict’s core fantasy is the expectation that someone else can solve their problems, provide unconditional love, and take care of them. When this unrealistic need isn’t met, love addicts may find themselves feeling resentful, and may create conflict in their relationships with others.

Some love addicts find that when not involved in a love-addicted relationship, they are able to care for themselves quite adequately. However, when they become involved, the love addict quickly finds that their self-care capacity steadily declines.

What is the relationship between limerence and love addiction?

My own belief is limerence is a subset of love addiction. All those that grapple with limerence are at their core, love addicts, although not all love addicts develop limerence. I describe limerence as love addiction on steroids. I personally believe a combination of love addiction, traits of OCD and an addictive personality sets us up for enduring limerence. 

I also see romantic infatuation, unrequited love and obsessive love as all parts of the same condition. Whilst the symptoms may vary, the origins and treatment differ little.  

Why do we get limerence / love addiction?

People generally become love addicts due to a past history of abandonment from their primary caregivers. Adult love addicts usually recognized as children that their most precious needs for validation, love and connection with one or both parents were not met. This affects their self-esteem dramatically in adult life. It results in a fear of abandonment and an underlying fear of intimacy. To a love addict, intensity in a relationship is often mistaken for intimacy. 

 Building healthier relationships and finding ourselves. 

With time, many of the members on the forum here come to realise that limerence is all about them. Their object of desire was just a catalyst. As the saying goes, when we are ready, the teacher will appear. When we have moved beyond the obsessive addictive energy, we realise we are the one with the issues and that we are the ones that have to do the heavy lifting to heal ourselves. The reality is there is no magical other. We are the ones that have to learn how to fill that hole in our soul. With time, we desire moving to healthier more conscious relationships, with ourselves and others. 

 

For a video on my personal experience of limerence and more information click here and scroll to the bottom of the page.

 

 

Comments   

+6 # Veroni 2015-01-22 05:03
How do we know we are limerenced or if what we feel is just a strong crush?
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-1 # Darren 2017-09-18 05:26
I am a love addict.
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+2 # David 2015-01-22 08:59
Veroni, you will get more responses if you post on the main forum http://limerence.net/forum/index.php
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+17 # Arlene 2015-07-12 19:25
I have been trying to figure out what has been wrong with all these years since teenage years I finally have a word for it. All my life I have developed crushes on people who would never return my affections and it is comforting I am not the only one.

Is there any hope for people like myself?

Are there any counselors, psychotherapists in the Boston, MA area that can help?

Limerence seems like something people in English novels would frequently be afflicted with like a "Wuthering Heights" something from the Edwardian/Victorian era.

I am curious to know if certain populations have a greater tendency for Limerence?

Will there be a genetic therapy for this someday? I wouldn't wish this on anyone it is a cruel affliction.

Thanks for having this website.
Sincerely,
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+1 # Sebastian 2016-10-07 14:33
Quoting Arlene:
I have been trying to figure out what has been wrong with all these years since teenage years I finally have a word for it. All my life I have developed crushes on people who would never return my affections and it is comforting I am not the only one.


I cant believe how accurate this is to my situation. "having a word for it" changes everything. How is it posible that I need someone to tell me this kind of knowledge? That I need to say it, to become aware of it when others know it subconsciously.
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+8 # Taylor 2015-08-24 03:12
I'm more than happy to have found this site. I don't want to self diagnose, but I STRONGLY believe im suffering from Limerence. It's happening to me now, and it's happened MANY times in the past, since I was 12. My longest episode lasted for about 2 years, and my LO was a guy that I didn't even have a relationship with to begin with. Right now, it's been about 14 months for me since the start of my Limerent epsiode, and the LO and I "broke up" about a year ago, even though we had an on-and-off FWB relationship.
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+1 # Serie 2017-07-07 18:32
I as well do not want to self diagnose but according to this site I can't help but to feel like this is what I am suffering. You said this has happened since you were 12? I am 17 and feel I am in a episode. My LO moved states away and clearly doesn't have feelings for me. I've known this for 10 months and I still haven't gotten over him. Our "relationship" started 2 years ago. It was a year ago that I realized I had to let go of him but I haven't been able to. Do you have any advice? Do I just let it take it's course? Is there anything I can do to, I don't know, help it?
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+1 # Thai 2015-09-04 20:54
Ive been feeling really strong feelings for a girl in my school ever since i started and now 5 years later those feelings are as stong as ever. She hates because she thought i was stalking her a while back and now i dont know what to do. Every morning and every night i think about her and me together because i know ill never be with her but i try to forgot that by imagining.
What makes it even worse is that i didnt even talk to her before she thought i was stalking her. Now we're both in collage and im in her business studies class, i really wanna talk to her but im scared she or her friend will ignore me or just diss me. I just hate the feeling of not meaning anything to her in life while she means so much to me. Sometimes i even have these days where i cant go to sleep because i can only think about what would happen when we finish collage and we both go our separate ways. I'll never see the love of my life ever again. Please, i need help :cry:
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0 # #hurt 2017-11-19 09:46
So sorry to hear that. I am in the same boat. If you think that there is some chance you two can be together, then confess to her otherwise it's best if you cut off all contact.
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0 # Jon 2015-09-10 17:35
Hi David,

The email listed keeps bouncing. Is there another one to reach you at?

Thanks,

Jon
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0 # David 2015-09-10 17:39
try
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+6 # Barbara Val 2015-09-29 08:56
Hello
thanks for your site. I'm a 45 year old lady from Spain. I have suffered limerence many times in my life and I strongly believe this and other patterns are due to being raised by narcissistic parents. Thanks for helping find me voice :-)
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+1 # Shelly 2016-07-01 22:21
Wow, I have a Narcissitic Mother who I discovered was Narcissitic about a year ago, Its been very hard to handle. Now, for some reason I was checking into obssesions, love addictions, etc.. and I found "Limerence" and I totally believe I am Limerent. So its very interesting to find that a probable cause would be having Narc parents. Thanks for sharing Barbara
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0 # Stella 2017-01-10 15:14
Hi Barbara,
I would agree with this...narcissistic parents. I think it is something that develops because of a lack of parental affection, abandonment, narcissistic parents, etc, etc, etc... Basically not receiving the love, care and attention needed as a child sets one up for life-long struggles and issues down the road. Being aware of these issues at least helps one not to act on the impulses even though it is SO torturous to live with them. I have been experiencing this of late and it has been hell.
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0 # # missLee 2017-07-25 22:16
Spot on!!! I was raised by them also!! I cannot talk truthfully to any of my siblings either. Robots to the Narcs while im thrown under the bus. Anyhow, limerence is So safe!! I guess I dont have the belief in anything real because it has all been squashed by the Narcs!! A real boyfriend or husband is too precious and they will Not validate so I live in limerence!!
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+6 # David 2015-10-01 05:50
Hi Barbara

I agree, narcissistic parents have a lot to answer for. As with all narcs, it seems low contact or even no contact is necessary if we are to separate and individuate.
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0 # Philip 2015-10-04 07:16
This is happening to me.
2 months ago i hooked up with an old crush. She told me she ended her 6 year long relationship,and that she still have some stuff overthere. We hooked up on my initiative,only to find she was actualy still living with the bf and did not broke up with him,even if she claimed she wants to but cant do it now. I got the feeling she was playing with me. I broke up a month later because i could not trust her. I fell for her hard, and opened myself a lot very early into this affair. My ratio and my emotions went different directions.she wanted to keep it secret,no meeting in public. I broke up a month later. And 2 month after i am thinking about her 24/7 and replaying dialogues in my head.
How to stop? I am a wreck....
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+2 # lou 2015-10-08 19:23
Its gotten to the point where my sickness and need for love has desensitized me and am no longer able to function properly. Its highs or lows, nothing in between. I can't remember a time I didn't feel like this but now I feel kind of scared I am gonna hurt myself and I don't want to do that cause I do have family, they love me. Is there anything I can do to just end this already? I'm done crying :oops:
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+1 # Molly 2015-10-14 19:04
I have been in love with the same guy for over four years, though I've known him since 5th grade. He was one of my best friends and I saw him every day during school until I moved to Europe with my husband. Yes, I'm married and I still love him. I've tried everything in my power to forget him but I always find myself getting back in touch with him and falling all over again. I told him 4 years ago that I had fallen for him and he basically said he appreciated me telling him but never said anything else. He is kind of a loner so I don't know if he might have had feelings and just wasn't ready for a relationship. Regardless, I can't stop loving him and it makes me feel awful because I love my husband but it just isn't the same. I truly think that my LO was the "one" and I hate it. I hate feeling like this. But I love him.
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+1 # Weeza 2017-06-12 16:53
Hi,
I just discovered today I'm 100% limerant! OMG. Obviously you are as well. Your LO hasn't reciprocated your feelings. one strategy I use is avoidance of my LO. I was planning on seeing him at an event know Aug I thought he'd go to, but now that I see my illness described, I think I should probably avoid going. My advice to any limerent is to read "He's just not that into you" a fantastic book. It's funny and will help you more quickly realize your LO does NOT reciprocate your feelings. This is the best way to recover as quickly as possible from this ridiculous fantasy state of being! I wish there was a cure. Now that I'm aware, I'll learn everything to rid myself of this.
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+5 # Michelle 2015-10-19 22:41
Oh I have been married for several years in which I often caught my spouse sexting other people so I had an affair. I was angry and bitter and wanted to show him how much it hurt, unfortunately I developed feelings and I am way over my head. This person is not one I would see myself being with but as many times as I have tried to back away, the more I get wrapped up. It has been almost 3 years and I am living in a separate room than my husband but not sure if I really love this other guy. I never thought I would be in this position, I have always tried to do what is right and I have screwed up beyond belief. So who do I choose? A cheating spouse (who says he has changed but I do not trust) or the guy who I may be an LO and will shorty be my remorse for not trying again in my marriage?
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+3 # Kayla 2015-10-22 00:40
I'm so glad for this post...I've always read into transference but this is spot on. I've always felt weird or out of place like no one would accept me in this state except for my best friend who is also limerent. But this is just soo comforting. Anyone wanting to chat about it with me?
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+1 # Jacko333 2015-11-01 20:18
As we all know, Limerence is an illusion that provides the muse for poetry and song. I am reminded of a Paul McCartney song entitled "Just another silly love song." At its core, Limerence is selfish. In his or her own mind the LE forces the LO to comport with their own fantasies and exaggerates the attributes and characteristics of the LO. In reality, this does a disservice to the LO by imprisoning him or her in this painting or portrait that is not really who they are but rather an idealized approximation of the LO. Limerence is a selfish thing in that it demands reciprocity from the LO who is largely a construct of the LE's imagination. If an LE truly cares for the LO's well and that of their own, they would let the LO be free of this burden.
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+3 # Rob 2015-11-18 18:54
Clare 1/2
I quit smoking when my life burnt up into ashes.
I had tried before but it was so easy to just have one and then another. because you think about them. they are on your mind and so is the memory of the feeling of breathing deep into yourself. in actual fact it tastes awful, makes your lungs feel wrecked and spins your head. easily forgotten.
But then everything turned to shit and I decided I couldn’t afford cigarettes. I stop identifying as a smoker, more importantly I stopped identifying as a non-smoker. it wasn’t on my radar at all.

Likewise my final escape* from LO was only because of catastrophe. a massive brutal dose of reality that left no room for idle thought or romantic intention. and in the clarity that followed, I made sure I wasn’t going to just drop back into old habits. here was my chance. the cell door was open, I wasn’t going to loiter.
1/2
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+1 # Crystal 2016-05-05 04:21
Hi Rob!
It's amazing how you quit both! I'm have the same problems and somehow I know that when I quit smoking I will quit him too.

How did you quit her?

Btw, I haven't smoked for a week now and planning to keep strong...
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-1 # Rob 2016-06-14 21:06
Hi Crystal,
The smoking analogy and LO were actually years apart. I brought it up because I felt it was two parts of the same kind of problem. Keep reading comment 2, sadly this wasn't the actual answer. She's gone now, no contact. still thinking of her most days, but its a passing thought and I've got better things to do. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Thank god, absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

Also, really want to edit those previous comments.
Good luck Crystal.
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+6 # Rob 2015-11-18 19:01
Clare 2/2
I marked down all her negative points and reevaluated how she treated me. There were absolute deal breakers I had glossed over for months.
So I rebuilt my image of her, somewhat monstrous. something to avoid and resent. not true, not fair, too bad

Ive had maybe 6 "days off" when she wasn't totally dominating my thinking and each time I felt more like me, more in control, more confident.
Yes the gloss comes off everything and i miss the soft lull of dreaming about somebody else and in weak moments, I mourn the girl that she was and hate the girl that she is. a deliberate choice to divide her into two different people, so I can mentally breakup with that beautiful soul with the eyes that I get lost in fuckfuckfuck.

Quitting drinking helped.
maintain strict discipline whatever you have control of but usually let yourself get slack on

good luck everyone, its worth trying to beat it.
2/2
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0 # Jacklyn 2017-05-07 00:58
Rob
Your story gives me hope
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0 # Weeza 2017-06-12 17:12
I believe I read somewhere there is a link to addiction for limerant people. I believe limerance is a form of addiction. It definitely generates dopamine. I used to think I was an "addictive personality " because over my lifetime I've said I always needed a vice (cigs, weed, alcohol, LO), but now I believe as a result of childhood trauma, my brain did not develop optimally, that I have a dopamine deficiency which produced ADHD symptoms (Scattered: Dr Gabor Mate) and addictions were self medication to get appropriate levels of dopamine. If I have sex with a man, I get a dopamine rush and then immediately become addicted, even if he's not right for me. Maybe not every time but a lot. Makes me feel like I have to avoid relationships altogether!
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0 # David 2017-06-12 21:13
Quoting Weeza:
I believe I read somewhere there is a link to addiction for limerant people. I believe limerance is a form of addiction. It definitely generates dopamine. I used to think I was an "addictive personality " because over my lifetime I've said I always needed a vice (cigs, weed, alcohol, LO), but now I believe as a result of childhood trauma, my brain did not develop optimally, that I have a dopamine deficiency which produced ADHD symptoms (Scattered: Dr Gabor Mate) and addictions were self medication to get appropriate levels of dopamine. If I have sex with a man, I get a dopamine rush and then immediately become addicted, even if he's not right for me. Maybe not every time but a lot. Makes me feel like I have to avoid relationships altogether!


Absolutely re limerence and addiction - we have a whole section on the forum related to addiction - see http://limerence.net/forum/viewforum.php?f=59&sid=b98fc042c0ca491f5d99f8e2409fe60c
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-2 # Mike 2015-11-23 17:25
I had a mutual limerence relationship with a girl for 3 years. It was very destructive for both of us and ended badly. It took me a good two years to get over her, although I never did forgot her

!6 years later I found her and contacted her. She was happy to hear from me and said she never forgot me either. The funny thing is we are both in destructive mutual limerence relationships right now. We talk all the time and try to help each other get through it. It was like we had not talked in a week not 16 years and we grow closer each day
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+1 # Anonymous 2015-12-10 05:38
I recently found out my boyfriend of 5 years had an obsessive crush about a girl he'd been chatting online with. It started as just friendly chat but he found he was having feelings for her, idealizing her, couldn't stop thinking about her. He did the same to me before we started going out but I guess I thought I was special. He said he's stopped talking to her and hates that he can't control his feelings and he knew he had just made up this image of her in his mind. Can I ever trust him not to be limerence with another girl he meets? Or at least cut off contact if he recognizes these feelings again?
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0 # J 2015-12-11 19:11
I am currently in a limerence relationship in which my fiancé is the one struggling with these obsessive thoughts. He has got to jail a couple times because of it. Unfortunately, when I do leave, I feel horrible and only remember the good times. I convince myself that he will change. I think it's important to remember that this is a mental condition and will not simply heal itself. He follows me. Calls me constantly. Asks me such personal questions and questions about the past that are irrelevant. He looks at my flaws and fantasizes about them as perfections. The first time I left him, he damaged my vehicle. The second time, he followed me and kept leaving things at my door. He was later arrested for domestic violence and harassment (originally stalking as well). Just yesterday, only a day after proposing, one of my neighbors down the street called the cops because a suspicious car was outside her house. He was stalking me again. I know we love these people. But we have to let go.
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+1 # David 2016-01-07 08:48
Yes going No Contact is the start.
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0 # Sound 2016-03-03 02:33
I'm 15 years old and usually when I get crushes they're mild and I don't feel limerence, except for one person. I feel like limerence describes my feelings for him perfectly. I got a strong, obsessive crush on them in 6th grade which continued until about the end of 7th grade, though i never really got over him, I guess. We've started talking again recently and though I'm dating someone, I'm falling for this person all over again. I don't want to love them but I do, and I don't know why. These feelings won't go away. I'm terrified and knowing that I'm obsessed with him makes me feel like a freakish stalker. Someone, please, please help me. I have no idea what to do.
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0 # AnonLim 2017-06-05 00:50
There are different things you could do that might help. Self help books, therapy, prayer, meditation, etc.... or maybe just when these thoughts come on, silently be your own limerence coach. Talk yourself off the ledge... I guess I am one to talk though... I have the same issues (see my post- I might be in bigger trouble!!)
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+2 # Hildegarde 2016-03-08 02:45
The last time I tried to break off contact with my LO I heard from mutual friend that LO very depressed about it. He's been through a lot of heartache in life, and I am compassionate (to the extreme), and when he texted that he absolutely had to tell me about some important news, I capitulated. He poured out his heart about he told our friend how depressed he was when I was MIA, and just couldn't understand it. He said "You are my best friend, and I am yours". But that's all it appears to be...friendship with no future! There is a large age difference (I am the older one) and I am quite different from his past two great loves (who both broke his heart into smithereens), . I do realize now that I am a limerent, I have known for a few years that mum has NPD. Why does LO insist on being my best friend? I know I have to try my best at NC and to finally heal (it's been about 4 years) but as we all know, it's agony. He has been kind, generous, helpful and so fun! A great love, but not.
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0 # MJ 2016-03-29 00:28
I have literally been head over heels in love with this girl at my college for seven straight months now. I freeze up and feel butterflies every time I see her. The other night, I couldn't keep my feelings in any more. She's a friend and colleague of mine. We are in the same club. I got invited to party thrown by another fellow club member last week. I got really drunk at the party and I confessed my feelings for her. She was really chill and she understood. She texted me the next day and told me I was a really great person, and although she wasn't interested, she told me I would find someone awesome. So we are chill now. However, I saw her on campus twice today after my class, and felt the butterflies immediately. I do not know what to do about the butterflies. I want it to stop. I do not want to have feelings for this girl any more.
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+1 # Babs 2016-03-29 17:34
Quoting MJ:
I want it to stop. I do not want to have feelings for this girl any more.


Exactly. 16 months here. I see him every work day. I really want it to stop. I also do not want to have feelings for him any longer. I research for ways to stay busy, try to discipline my brain. I try to ignore him - which makes him give me MORE attention. Arrggh! So, I try to act normal and talk to him like normal co-workers. Me changing jobs is not a possibility at this time. I doubt that he is going anywhere, but I keep hoping. In fact, I point out job opportunities to him. Sigh.
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0 # Mandy 2016-05-10 13:48
I'm engaged and I am in love with a very good friend of mine. My rational mind doesn't want to be with him but I can't stop my internal voice from telling me that I'm in love with him every day. I feel like no contact is impossible. No contact would be so extreme and over the top but I just need to stop thinking about being with him. The fantasy is NOT the reality. Even if I was with him it would not be anything close to the fantasy I have. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with him at all. I want a fantasy that doesn't exist and I just put it on him because he's what's there. I could put this fantasy on anyone. Because I'm obsessed with love, fairy tale love, the kind of love that you KNOW isn't real. But why? Why isn't it real? Is it real? If it is, why don't I have it?
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0 # Kyle 2016-05-14 11:49
Oh Mandy, I feel for you, because I know how it feels..like you are being pulled in half. The people I know that are happily married fall into either one of 2 categories..1=Star crossed lovers..they knew from an early age or when they met they should be together, and 2 - divorced and married someone more compatible. I have been married 15+ years, and there are times I question if I got it right. On top of that have 2 kids. It doesn't make sense that someone has come into my life and turned it upside down with these feelings. I have not acted on this, but it is driving me crazy. The feelings go way beyond sex. I think it is great that you recognize your feelings as tied to fantasy because you're right...you can live out a fantasy with anyone. I think the key is "Will the other person enjoy this fantasy long-term?", and not just say anything because they are attracted to you. Also, what other fantasies do you have? Would your partner enjoy playing those out as well?
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+3 # Brandon 2016-05-18 02:31
I can't believe I'm typing this. This is a pattern for me, every year or so I become so completely consumed with a guy. Generally they aren't emotionally available or even gay for that matter. It become this obsession in my mind and my whole day revolves around whether I get attention from this person or not. Right now, they guy has a girlfriend and has told me sleeps with other men and doesn't plan on stopping. I'm so embarrassed that I won't even tell my friends. I realize the healthy thing to do would be to stop talking to him, but the thought brings about such intense anxiety that I will allow myself to keep doing, generally till the person sees how crazy I get and stops talking to me. I've literally passed up wonderful chances to be in relationships with available healthy guys but always have this other person who I unrealisticly beleive will be with me even though I realize it will never happen. It's literally killing me. I guess thanks for reading.
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+3 # Mcflurry 2016-06-03 08:09
Thanks you for this site, after reading all the comments here I feel so much less alone and ridiculous in how I feel and have felt towards women, usually very close friends in the past. I am the typical nice guy, usually single, always pineing for the wrong girl who just think is of me as a friend. I look back on my romantic history and I see a very distinct pattern that keeps plaguing me. I will meet a girl, fall head over heals for her and spend literally years trying to recoup only to fall back into the same pattern again always with the hope that this time will be different. This most recent limerence has left me at all time lows and even though I know she cares for me, she dropped rather hard and quickly ending our fwb before as I hoped it would blossom into much more. I'm a wreck, she enters my mind everyday even though we haven't talked in over a two months. I know if I truly love her I would just let her go but nothing will erase her from my soul, I won't find peace
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+1 # Maria Teresa 2016-06-14 03:53
I constantly experience Limerence. What's horrible is that I've been engaged to the father of my child. I love him and we've been together for 9 years. Once I met a guy online and we had a relationship for 5 months and never even met. He was an escape. He had a great job. He was fun. He had qualities that I liked in my fiancé and others that my fiancé did not, which I also found attractive and intriguing. We talked about my son and I moving to Louisiana (we live farrrrr from there) and how we'd make an amazing life together. After we broke it off, I didn't even miss him. It was so weird. I've also been experiencing Limerence with my third cousin for 17 years. I'm only 34. We have hooked up on and off for a long time. Sometimes we go a few years where we don't talk, but when we finally contact each other again, we can't stop the way we feel. My wedding is in 3 months. My cousin and I have been hooking up every other weekend for the past 3 months. I'm screwed up.
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0 # Shelly 2016-07-03 19:11
Hi all,
I would like to know where to find in the Forum about LE reactions to letdowns from LO, inlcuding extreme jealousy, abandonment feelings, rejection, that somehow do not match the situation in reality. I.e, my LO couldnt talk to me at the hour we set and I took that so bad, didnt have an argument but I felt worse than if I just gone through a break-up, which I logically see its not a natural reaction to what just happened. The feelings in me are: a lot of anger and wishing to get even, like punish him in some way for doing that, in fact I just ignored him after that and he is Limerent too, so I know he wont take that too cool. Perhaps I am reacting to abandonment and neglect from my parents, transferring that to this?
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0 # David 2016-07-03 19:53
limerence.net/forum
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0 # Shelly 2016-07-03 21:57
Thanks David
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0 # Zach 2016-07-05 10:41
Wow I didn't know this had a word. I was 17 and she was 15 when we started dating. I fell head over heels in love with her and she with me. It was the best year of my life.

I moved to college and could only come home weekends. I'm not sure what happened on her end other than she was young and not ready to settle down. People called our love "puppy love," but I knew better (at least on my end). I knew it was the real thing. She was the first girl to ever tell me she loved me.. that really meant something to me. Why would she say it if she didn't feel as strongly as I did I thought to myself.

We broke up and not a single day has gone by that I don't think about her throughout the day and miss her. That was over 12 years ago at this point.

I tried reaching out to her a few years ago to see how she was doing hoping maybe things would work out, but it doesn't look good. Whatever feelings she once had for me are long gone and are never coming back.
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+1 # Mike 2016-07-20 22:10
I am 42 years old and have been limerent with six different girls, The first case began when I was 13 and lasted 9 years. I had a few shorter episodes, each lasting 1 to 3 years, and then another one lasting 9 more years. My current episode is going on 1 year. The worst part of it is, my last two LO's have been significantly younger than me. It's almost as if I am trying to relive the first experience. I am finally ready to start the work I need to do to better myself, but it is going to be painful since I'm not in a position to go no contact.
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0 # Greg 2017-06-09 14:46
Mike - curious about how it's going now. I'm in a similar situation of limerence for someone I work with. Getting a new job is out of the question and it is likely we'll work together for the next 15 years or so until retirement. To make it worse, she has been dating another co-worker of mine for a few years now while keeping it a secret because of workplace romance concerns. It is a daily torture and I'm curious if you ever found relief even while not being able to go no-contact. Thanks.
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+1 # JD 2016-09-09 20:28
I just found out about limerence like an hour ago, and realized I've sufferef from this my entire life. I'm 25 years old kinda a loner whos considered a good looking guy, throughout High School a lot of girls had crushes on me. But I rarely ever had interest in the. Id always develop crushes on one girl and become obsessive, to the point I cant even think logically and it never works out.

3 years ago I became obsessed with a co worker who showed me signs of interest we even went on a date but i didnt work out and I had an almost 6 months long depression obsessing over her.

I thought I learned my lesson but now again I find myself obsessed with a new girl. Shes the most beautiful girl I've ever been with and I'm constantly fantasizing about her. I live in NYC she lives in DC but is originally from NY so shes visits often. We made plans to meet up a week ago but she postponed her trip indefinitely. Its driving me seriously crazy .
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0 # Scott 2016-09-12 14:19
Hi all,
My LO emailed me in June telling me to cease all contact with him and blocked me on Facebook. You would think this had been the result of something major on my part, but honestly, it had only been some feelings of weirdness for a couple of months, on my part, followed by one particularly contentious text conversation that actually ended well. Two days later, I was cut off. It took everything in my power to respect the LO's boundaries, but I have. Didn't see him at all over the summer, which has been an immense help, but now am back to a regular weekly activity in which I will see him all the time. The feelings are flooding back, even though we are not even friends any longer! Anyway, just wanted to ask if anyone has pursued this as being a result of early attachment issues. In my own life, I had a father who passed away when I was 4 and mother who may well have been emotionally unavailable while dealing with this both before and after the death.
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-1 # Sebastian 2016-10-07 15:14
How many Introverts are we? is there a correlation?
Introverts upvote plz!
Extroverts downvote plz!
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0 # Sondra 2016-10-11 04:42
Extrovert here. Not sure if there's a correlation with personality type. I've had intense crushes and overly fantasized about finding a soulmate but have always dealt with breakups well. This last one though may very well be limerence. We dated six months and it wasn't working for him. He's been fairly kind about it, and has proposed we be friends, but my obsession is just getting worse. It's been six months since we stopped seeing each other and I keep getting more obsessed. I can usually leave him alone for about two weeks before I feel the extreme need to make contact. Sometimes he answers and sometimes he doesn't. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I know it's not real love, it can't be. It's one sided. But he's in my thoughts almost every waking moment. It has to stop one day. I just have to keep believing that.
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+3 # Nikki 2016-10-07 18:37
Wow, I stumbled on this site and everything I read makes me say out loud...oh my God! This is me, these are my thoughts, this has a name, I'm not crazy, there are others in the same awful boat...but there is hope
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+2 # #David 2016-10-08 13:21
Its been 5 years since she dumped me and i am living in a lie that "i can forget her". After knowing that she will never c ome back to me i am still waiting . After all these years i still check her msg . I don't know how to stop it , but i want it to stop bothering me.
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+2 # mjalim 2016-10-24 15:31
I had the worse case of Limerance imaginable. I deal with it very well now but I also think my LO will contact me. It's been nearly 2 years with no contact. I still allow the thoughts to be im my head and I also laugh at myself and say "there I go again" when the thoughts do happen. At the end of the day thoughts are thoughts and thats all they are. Learn to live with them and don`t act on them. The deminish with time but will probably always be there.
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0 # Liss 2016-10-26 04:14
So.....I started dating this guy in 2011 and the beginning of our relationship was a fairytale. It was the best relationship I've ever had. We dated from July 2011 to May 2012. Around February I noticed a change in him. He was distancing himself from me. And I've never felt more lonely than when I was in bed with him and he wouldn't hold me or cuddle. Anyway we broke up and almost 5 years later here I am still thinking of him everyday. I don't think it's obsessive but we made plans for a future together. And when we broke up all of our dreams went down the tubes. To this day I still don't have an answer to why he left me. It really hurt because I put a lot into the relationship and I told him things I didn't tell anyone. I miss him and us. Is that limerence or normal.
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0 # David 2016-10-26 04:36
5 years is a long time. You are likely to get more feedback from the main forum Liss.
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0 # Luna 2016-11-01 17:36
1 year together, he dumped me once so I unfriended him so he blocked me. We started again, I dumbed him, he unfriended me. I feel bad to have dumbed him today, but I know that it was the right choice at that time. I think about him 24/7. How sick is this!!!
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+1 # Meredith 2016-11-04 10:38
I had no idea that there were other people who felt this way. The closest connection I had was with a TV character. I hope I can get some help, I need it.
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+3 # Alfred 2016-12-14 22:09
Thank you for creating this website and forum
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0 # Jimmy 2016-12-21 03:31
2 months dating, she sayd to me she miss me, that I am the best... 4 days later, she suddenly cut me off by message, saying she doesn't think she is the girl for me... I felt so frustrated and hurt she took decision for both of us, while in fact I have just fallen for her. Somehow I let her in... and she was there in my heart ! My bad, I am very picky person, I waited 10 years to meet such a girl, and meeting her, I though, finally someone I could marry, have family with, travel the world, she become the key to my happiness, and in a what it seems over-reacting moment from her part, she decided to breakup claiming it was best for me... goodbye to the relationship, became goodbye to my found happiness, crumble dreams ! I am 40 year old, I should know better.... I need to understand... what went wrong ? am not a cat, can't fall down on my 4 feets just like that, just because she think I can easily forget her... need a process, need to see you and talk it though....
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0 # Jimmy 2016-12-21 03:32
But here come the no Contact rule from her !! un-friended F--k! Grrrrr !!!! she just gave me a "sorry" .... now my Limerence is kicking in ! I am down ! It is easier to say goodbye to a relationship who is past then to say goodbye to the person, it is like death, the grieving process takes much longer. why you impose that to me ? I never asked for it ! just starting... we know how it goes... weight loss, projects at work get in trouble, start self abusing and self-destructive behaviors... Why she can't understand ? all that drama could just have been avoided.. we are adult ... in fact : why I CAN NOT GET IT ? am sick .. so stupid... like catch a cold for the body, a cold for emotional state.. where is my vitamin C ? let's rebuild .. at least we learn something out of it.... Next time around a girl break up, I have to impose myself a 4 months no contact, let HER miss me, and realize I am the Alpha the one who know better. NEVER try to convince her...
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0 # Ron 2017-01-08 11:00
I came across an amusing case study on blog spot that I've been following 'Limerence in the age of terror'
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0 # Char 2017-03-18 08:53
I'm actually amazed at how much I have resonated with all of what I am reading from limerance/pnf/narcissistic parental figure. Extrovert here. I'm 34 I put my constant relationships ranging 1-4years down to 'serial monogamy' but the truth is deeper. In the last year, after a four year monogamous but not growing relationship, I have experienced many consensual sexual experiences but still I have this limerance quality where I want crave unconscious or not, to be a reciprocated long term relationship! Even when exploring polyamory!! I mean this is me to a tee, I'm so greatful that this site exists, that I can define it and move forward, and yes though the steps I read are very dramatic re:abstinence from relationships, my gut instinct is telling me in order to change I have no choice but to take that path, good luck everyone x
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0 # Genie 2017-08-09 14:56
I too just found this site and have the exact same experience as you Char. I am also raised by narc mother and since I was 12 I have been a serial monogamist who cheats. Is that possible? I am debating whether I have true Limerance because I have been having an affair for a year with a married man who I am in love with. I relate to having obsessive thoughts and fantasies about him but it is different because he does reciprocate his affection as well. I also have dabbled with being the third partner in a poly relationship. I don't know if it is just an intimacy disorder or what but I relate to you and limerance. The idea of cutting it off cold turkey makes me nauseous to think about... ugh
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0 # Cookie 2017-09-27 13:25
Quoting Char:
I'm actually amazed at how much I have resonated with all of what I am reading from limerance/pnf/narcissistic parental figure.

Wow...the narcissistic parent connection is undeniable to me now. Mine was also alcoholic, so was even further distracted (read: absent, unattached). In fact, I was the LO of a narcissist in my last "round" of this insanity. I was actually going to leave my husband and my life to find a way to be with this guy. He love-bombed me in the beginning, dumped me, came crawling back, then I dumped him -- finally for good. What fun. My latest LO was very sweet...but was also alcoholic. And then would disappear. In the end, none of this is healthy. It could be 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years, or more, but the LO is often experiencing as many struggles or more as you are. They just present differently.
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+2 # Betty 2017-03-21 02:54
Thank For i've found this website!
I'm suffering of limerence and I thought that I was the only one, because I don't know anybody else passing through tais as well! My friends think I'm crazy, and also do I. I am 28 years old and I am in love with a co-woker since two years ago, it's completely unrequited! But 1 month ago he moved away to another city! Now my friends keep telling me that is time to move on, and I rationally understand this, but emotionally I can't stop thinking about him every waking hour, I lost my religion, I'm sick, I can't eat, or sleep, or even work! How can I move on? Thank you very much!
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0 # Valencia 2017-05-02 17:14
It seems like im one of the few on this site on the other end of limerence. I think i must be a limerent object. Ive been searching for some way to explain my affect on this other person. He thinks im a magical witch. It was love at first sight for him. He says we are twin flames. It has been 8 years and he remains obsessed.
The strangest part is, he has finally dragged me in, too. We recently cut ties, and now I am obsessed with him. I search his name on google, i leave messages for him on social media (ones i know only he will understand), i feel paralyzed by intrusive fantasies. I am in the most wonderful, committed, balanced relationship of my life, and i still feel this connection to this another guy. I do not admire him. In fact, i feel disgusted and ashamed. I never want to see him again. I want to reach out to him and pique his interest. I want to mail him anonymous letters. I want to manipulate his life for better and for worse. I feel insane.
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0 # AnonLim 2017-06-05 00:42
Hi,

This must be difficult.... Well try to play your fantasies out in your mind- think of how bad and unsatisfying they would probably be....or how hurt people could get. It might help you kill the obsession before it gets totally out of control. Keep us posted! Good luck...
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0 # Weeza 2017-06-13 18:48
You aren't insane. So you were his LO, now he is yours. Remember it's not about them, it's about us. Possibly once he sucked you in he realized you weren't the magical other he objectified you to be. You changed the dynamics after 8 years. He reacted by withdrawing? Finding another LO?

Now you are suffering. You are lucky to have a healthy, balanced, relationship. Hang onto that. In time this ridiculous obsession will cease. It's not about him. You already know he's not right for you. Even if he was over the top crazy about you for 8 years, and you weren't interested, you still likely enjoyed the admiration, the attention, reliability, the friendship. Now that he has withdrawn completely, it's normal you would miss it and wonder why? Remember, when you had him,you didn't want him. So likely you don't want him now either. You just felt special being an LO.

It's possible you are limerent but not sure.
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+5 # Thomas 2017-05-18 18:23
My feelings for her were explosive, the result of deep admiration, attraction, and concern over the terribly unfair situation her husband put her in. I believed that I saw her only as a friend, and then it happened. She's all I think about. The only way I can go to sleep is to either drink myself there, or to gaze inside my mind at her image until I drift off. All the other shiny things in my life are dull, muted by the dread that she'll never love me. And if she did it would ruin so many lives, so many families, so many reputations. The result of any relationship between us would be poison, yet I want a double dose just to feel the satisfaction and the joy, if only for a moment. I didn't ask for this. I'm fifty years old and I've never felt this way. I'm sick with desire and sickened by my desire. God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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+1 # Kumar 2017-07-22 16:31
# Thomas. I deeply empathise with your situation and admire your insights. I am in early fifties and in a somewhat similar situation with a co-worker 15 years junior. It started with this deep empathy for her. Then several things converged. But I dont intend to see it as a neurotic condition. It makes me touch the far corners of my spirit, deep recesses of my soul. She makes me sense the nature of my truth - Existence, Consciousness, Bliss. Dorothy Tennov might exclaim - "I told you so, Limerence !' . But naming something does not explain it. Life is much too complex. Ecstacy and despair might be two sides of a coin. Like light and darkness. One pays for the other. With all its pain, in the end I regard it as a gift. I only wish happiness for her. It aches as much as for anyone here. But I know I will never act and wreck lives of my children. It helps that that situation may never present itself. I am not happy to call her LO. It may be an object in a scientific paper.
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+1 # AnonLim 2017-06-05 00:37
I'm in love with a happily married co-worker. Or is it limerence? Not sure. All I know is I can not stop thinking about her. I fantasize about her a lot...and mostly they are not sexual...mostly they consist me helping/saving her or impressing her in some way... Anyway, I really admire her husband and 2 children. I'd never dream of disrupting her marriage (as if I had a chance at that anyway- she's way out of my league)...but having said that, I feel like we are getting closer slowly... she shares intimate family issues with me and I with her. We text sometimes me recently she suggested about doing some innocuous activity outside of work some time. I think she really feels relaxed with me be trusts me.... and she's safe with me....but if she only knew how much I love and obsess over her, she'd probably freak out....
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0 # Rob 2017-07-07 21:42
I've been obsessed (not in love!) with this guy for 5 years since I was at school school who I didn't really even knw, yet I haven't seen him for almost 4 years as he moved abroad. I have on-off episodes when I can think about nothing but him lasting several months, when I constantly search for him on facebook, google etc. (I know I should just stop, but after all this time, and my pathetic willpower, that seems pointless). Its got to the point that I can't 'fall in love' with anyone else, no matter how much I've tried. I've even tried to force myself to fancy others, and whilst transference works for a bit its not sustainable L-T. The fear of him being with/kissing/sleeping with anyone tears me apart, making me scour social media for 'evidence' to calm my nerves. I hate that I can't get over him, and fear that I'll never 'love' someone else to the same intensity, but properly, because I'll always negatively compare them to him. Pls help if you can.
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0 # Kumar 2017-07-24 05:20
I am in mid fifties and in a somewhat similar situation with a co-worker 15 years junior. It started with this deep empathy for her. Then several things converged. But I dont intend to see it as a neurotic condition. It makes me touch the far corners of my spirit, deep recesses of my soul. She makes me sense the nature of my truth - Existence, Consciousness, Bliss. Dorothy Tennov might explain it away as Limerence. But I think very often we assume we know just by naming something. Life may be much too complex Ecstasy and despair might be two sides of a coin. Like light and darkness. One pays for the other. With all its pain, in the end I regard it as a gift. I only wish happiness for her. It aches as much as for anyone here. But I know I will never act and wreck lives of my children. It helps that the question may never present itself. I am not happy to call her 'Limerent Object'. It may be an object in a scientific paper. For me she might be the Subject itself.
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+1 # Anonfree 2017-08-02 01:23
I have been limerent since I was 7 or 8 years old and from there the cycle has never ended. I never knew what I was suffering until I stumbled upon the term: limerence. It has been liberating to know that what I feel has a name. I have never been in a relationship which I feel is aggravating my limerence. Right now the cycle is just ending where my LO hasn't reciprocated my feelings and on top of that is a friend. I am feeling depressed but I am sure that I will be over it soon, as it is a cycle. But this time I am committed to not have a new LO. Sorry if this seems disjointed, just got a lot of thoughts in my head :)
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+1 # John 2017-08-29 15:22
It will destroy your life eventually if u can't get control it...will take over your life ..simply; it drew me into an affair for many years all I could think about 24/7 was her... I lost years with my children because all I could think about was the next romantic fix... it is worse than a drug addiction it corrupts your mind body and soul and the person y once were is gone ..cheesy; on some level I was once anakin skywalker to darth Vader .. Corrupted by this I destroyed my marriage, friends family all gone ... I do not want anyone's pity or will make choices ... however unless you experience luminance one can't understand how it takes you over from the inside out slowly ....and now my marriage, my life as I once new it all gone as I still battle it everyday longing for my lover, knowing it's limerence getting the best of me; again!
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0 # Windy1 2017-09-09 15:32
Just discovered this term, and am starting to realize that I have spent nearly my entire life in limerence. I am married w/ 2 teenagers. Over the last 6 months I have fallen for a married colleague. She has moved to a new job a month ago and the feelings are just starting to subside. In my craziness I started doing online searches about my feelings and stumbled upon this group. I have tried to explain my obsessive thoughts to close friends over the years , they are sympathetic but cannot empathize. My current LO may have an idea about my feelings, but nothing overtly physical was ever said or done. Just me living in a selfish fantasy world. I have not attempted to make contact with her since she left and after reading many of the posts, I certainly won't. Thanks to all of you!!
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0 # Cookie 2017-09-27 10:30
So glad to have found this site. I recently learned about limerence after a heart-wrenching experience with the 5th LO in my adult life. He said I was the girl of his dreams, then essentially disappeared. It has been a destructive pattern that I've kept hidden for years. I am 50, married, with 3 almost grown children. A good life -- perfect from the outside -- but for me, there must always be a limerent affair in the shadows for me to enjoy intimacy with my husband. Trying to unravel the real WHY of it. My guess is early childhood attachment disorder. John is exactly right: it will destroy you. But you must forgive yourself first before you can move on. And it is an addiction, as well as a compulsion.
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0 # Sticks 2017-10-16 02:10
well...i think my case of limerence is quite...unbelievable, but true. Although it's like I'm just obsessing over him. And the worst part is, ME HAVING FEELINGS FOR HIM IS WRONG ON ALL LEVELS... there is a certain level of limerence for my case but I don't think it's just limerence. there must be something else wrong with me...
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+1 # J 2017-10-29 08:13
Good to give it a name. I've been with my wife over 15 years. I had fallen deeply for my first serious girlfriend before that and that had been it. I love my wife, I truly do. I would put her happiness and her life before my own. However it's been over a year now and my work 'crush' is only getting stronger / worse (take your pick). I know it's not real. I know it's just a fantasy with all the good and minus all the reality. But it doesn't matter. I can't seem to reason myself out of this. This girl is amazing, intelligent, lovely and to die for gorgeous, in every way. Of course, she is not single either, how could a girl like her ever be. Never mind, even if she were, she is laughably out of my league. Just writing it down, knowin other people out there feel the same way, makes me feel a bit better. Which is handy, because right now I feel like a total bastard. I just want it to stop. I want to find the switch & turn this off. Please let me find the strength to be the man I want to be
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0 # F 2017-11-22 22:59
Whoa... Right after I found this site I was about to write about what is happening to me, then I read *your* comment. I'm in exactly the same spot, almost to the letter, and is driving me crazy!! If you find that damn switch please let me know where is it.
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0 # Ellie 2017-11-12 20:39
I have a work crush. It's INSANE. I have had obsessive crushes ever since i was about 5 and it's so hard for anyone to understand because most people can somehow manage their emotions. I cry stupid amounts and it is a very physical pain of longing. It's very upsetting that I have let this happen yet again but no amount of saying "i always do this so the person means nothing, they're interchangeable" makes it stop. I feel I want to lose myself in him but this time it's a step too far and I am struggling to pull myself back out. It hasn't given me the good feelings most of the prior addictions have given me. It hasn't given me a new lease of life. It has just made me feel awful. There is also another girl he looks at and I watch them and it makes me feel like my stomach is in knots. It's an awful feeling. I want to be over this but part of me wants to sink.
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0 # Sue 2017-11-16 09:52
We were friendly acquaintances. Our paths would cross every few weeks and we would spend a short while talking. We got on well. There was an underlying attraction, soon forgotten after the event. Then, after about a year, there was a sudden shift for me. One day I was with him and I experienced this overwhelming sense of magnetic attraction and belonging. The indescribable joy and lightness lasted for a couple of weeks. Then it was overshadowed by a dark dawning that we were both unavailable. Months of limerent highs and lows ensued. I'd never experienced it before and it was seriously affecting my life. As no contact was impractical due to our circumstances, I initiated a disclosure of sorts. Mutual rejection stopped the limerence but the disclosure has left a trail of destruction. I have hurt him, his partner and my own. Friendships are torn. I restored my wellbeing but at the expense of others' and I feel very responsible and sorry. Some feelings remain, but no limerence thankfully.
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